Caught my GF in bed with someone else.

[Musicman]

Hi Guys,

I'm a healthy 26 years old man & I've just gone through the worst Xmas & New Years of his life; followed by the most painful breakup ever!!

This is quiet long, but I'd REALLY, REALLY appreciate any advice to help me move on?

Here's my story :
My GF & I were together for 4 months & we really seemed to have something special. We enjoyed each others company, we had great time together & there didn't seem to be any complaints about what happened in the bedroom. We also made quiet a few plans for the coming year & I trusted her. We did have one or two heated arguments were I felt I was having to contribute more financially to the relationship, but other than that all seemed happy.

Anyway, the week before Xmas, my GF went to her work party. While she was there I sent her a text asking her if she needed a lift home after the party, as she had no money for a taxi. I received a reply an hour or so later that seemed distant saying it was "ok, she'd walk" but I was concerned because I didn't want her to walk home as it could be dangerous at night.

Anyhow, later on (around 3am) I rang her & she hung up the phone, I went over to her house to see if she got back ok. She wasn't there so I waited around for about 30 mins. She then arrived back very drunk at 5am.

I said nothing & helped her into bed. The next day I sensed something had happened the night before because she was acting strange.

I asked her straight "Did you sleep with someone last night?" - No, she replied. "Did you kiss anyone last night?" - She said "Yes". I was in shock & told her I'd have to leave her because I couldn't trust her anymore & I began packing my things ( I told her previously how much I despised cheaters)

As I was beginning to move my things, she begged me not to break up with her & apologised saying she made a mistake. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. We talked & she told me the guy she was with in work was only 22, it was just a kiss & she told him nothing would happen. She told me she was with him when she hung up the phone on me. She also gave me his name.

I asked her to stay clear of him & I would forget about what happened. She agreed & seemed genuinely guilty.

Over the following days I noticed her behaviour had changed she was a bit distant when I went to kiss her & she was easily annoyed - arguing with me at the slightest opportunity. I put this down to feeling a bit guilty.

About two days after we had talked about this, we went to the pub & she complained I was "selfish in bed". This was a shock because up until this point she had always said things were great. After she said this I was extremely annoyed.

The next day I went over to her house & gave her some of her Xmas presents but she had not got me anything. I invited her over to my house for dinner on Xmas eve with my parents & she accepted. (This was her first time to meet my parents.)

On Christmas Eve, she didn't seem bothered about coming over to my house. I had to practicaly drag her over, but she seemed to have a good night when we were there. We had a meal & a few drinks. Everything seemed fine.

Two days later I saw her again but the weirdness really started, then. She said she needed "a break" a few days to think about things. I was pissed-off but agreed. Over the next few days I did text her didn't see her. I was very worried & suspicious about her e behavior change. After two days she told me she wanted to break-up. I went to her place & she was literally laughing at me while breaking up with me & she wouldn't deny seeing this guy from work.

The day before new Years eve (Two days later). She texted me saying she wanted to fix things. I went around. She said she wanted to sort everything out &
I did too. I invited her to my friends New-years eve party & she accepted.

On New-Years eve she came around to the house after work & seemed ok up until the count down. As all of us did the count down 5-4-3-2-1 HAPPY NEW YEAR!, my GF suddenly went off in a huff. She said I was "ignoring" her.
None of my friends understood what she was talking about. This made me suspicious again & I questioned what was "really" going on. For two hours she would neither confirm / deny seeing someone from work, but I knew something was going. Then, out of the blue she said "I'll sleep with who I want to!" I was disgusted by this remark & coupled with her recent change in behaviour it confirmed my mind that she was sleeping with someone else. I asked her to leave. She left.

The next day I went to her house. I knew she was off work, she didn't know I was too. She had an apartment, in a house. Normally I'd have to ring the front door bell & she'd come down to open the door but as lock would have it the main door was open on this day. I walked up to her room.

When I got to her room (This was at 2:30pm) I knocked & she said "Who is it?" I said it was me & she said "Go away!" I stood there for five minutes, kocking on the door and asking if I could speak to her. She refused. I could tell there was someone else in the room. I decided to leave but as I went down the stairs I realised someone had locked the front door so I couldn't get out - she had to open the front door for me. I went back upstairs & told her. She still refused to open the door. I said "Look if there's someone on there with you, best of luck to him ; if you treat him the same way you treated me he's in for one hell of a time!!". I asked her to open the door & she told me to go downstairs & she would. I did. She eventually came down in pyjamas. I asked her if there was someone in the room she said yes.

Guys, I've been through break-ups before & they're all hard but this one is really killing me!!!

Can anyone help? Has anyone experienced anything similar?

I feel absolutley betrayed, saddened, angry, shocked & empty. I never would have thought she could do this to me. I told her in the past that if she ever wanted to see someone else to just end it with me immediately & not go behind my back. It's as if she's been torturing me for some sick twisted amusement. I did everything to help this girl - I gave her lends of money to pay rent. I even found her this job!

I need some advice, how do I end my self-doubt & get on with my life?

[xxwildchildxx]

I feel for you man. This is an extremely sticky situation. The problem, I think, is both of you are indecisive. She doesn't know if she wants to be with you and it seems like you weren't sure if you wanted to keep her or not (you seemed like you wanted to dump her the first time she said she kissed another guy, but didn't). Let me just say this, as I've experienced a lot I've known it to always be true: Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Dump the girl, don't talk to her anymore and find someone else who will treat you better.

[Musicman]

Thanks for the advice wildchild! I feel better after reading that.

I have to agree, I have to move on. Besides, I'd never trust her again if we got back together & I couldn't live like that.

What's driving me crazy is how anyone could just cynicaly do this behind someone's back?!?

I made it clear to her that out of respect for me I wanted her to break-up with me rather than be unfaithful but she continued the relationship behind my back.

[NewYoung]

Musicman, seriously support you and your decision.
Actually from the very beginning, I can see that you already wanted to dump your girl, otherwise how you start your PMs on this block?

Here are some reasons you could use to get rid of this girl and get yourself a new one:-
1.You treated her well while she did you wrong--unfaithful;
2.There are many other girls outside, not only her herself;
3.The relationship was, is and will not be amendable and it needs ending for a new establishment.

[alice]

dear musicman,

i know how you feel. i've had a guy treat me without respect or regard for my feelings for more than two years now – he dumped me, had a new girlfriend the next day (he had been seeing her before our break-up already, but won't admit this right to this day, even though it was more than obvious).

i was very hurt but couldn't get over him, so i got back together with him after 10 months (he discovered that the new girl wasn't what he wanted, after all, so he tried to get me back, which he eventually did). i took him back even though i couldn't really forgive him what he'd done to me, but i loved him so much, that i thought i'd give him a second chance, people change … well, he didn't. he moved in with me and dumped me after a year in exactly the same manner as he did the first time – ridiculously exactly the same, down to the smallest detail.

the most astonishing thing is, that he seems to be thinking he can go on playing his stupid game with me forever – he started his call-her-in-the-middle-of-the-night-and-tell-her-how-you-love-her routine (again, exactly the same as before) about a month ago (new girl not so good after all?) – but: no, man, IF U WANT 2 PLAY WITH ME, U BETTER LEARN THE RULES!

so much for getting back together with someone who really hurt you once – just don't.

[Musicman]

Thanks Alice and NewYoung. There's one thing that's driving me mad - I feel so taken advantage of by this girl that I'm starving for revenge. It's like there's been a total imbalance here - I have to deal with all the crap of being single again & having lost my GF & she can move on safe in the knowledge she has someone else to occupy her.

What do you guys think about revenge in a situation like this, is it justified? Will it help me heal? I was considering sending a mail into her work that described what had happened over the last few weeks so her, her new guy & the rest of the office could see it?

I know that's petty but I feel desperate to retaliate in some small, but significant way, to show I wont accept this treatment sitting down. What do you reckon?

[Hugo Pickle]

No, do not seek revenge. Why? Foremost if you are a Christian or jew than seeking revenge is against the bible. Revenge is mine so sayith the lord. God loves us all and knows that revenge does no one any good at all. You may think now that you will feel better but you will not. What will happen is that you will simply look like an ass to everyone else and you will lose respect.

You may think that they don't respect you anyway, but not true. They don't know you, all they know is what she has told them. Trust me, they don't see her as some queen perfect girl.

What you need to do is work on you. Work out, get your life together, go out and make more friends. put effort into you and getting another girl. do not put anymore effort into this past woman. Guess what, read the before post that the girl made about getting back with her ex. yeah she shouldn't have done it, but because she kept her cool, the dumb ass called her back not but a few months later. She should have played him bad and got whatever she wanted from him and then said sorry Charlie.

That’s what you need to do. You need to keep your composure and cool do not seek revenge. Work on you and getting another woman. If you just better yourself then it is common for a cheating whore like that to call you back sometime wanting more of your attention. If she does, then try to get whatever you want. Totally disrespect her and treat her like trash. but don't get pissed, act like you will give her a second chance but be totally demanding of things. Not where she goes or what she does you shouldn’t care about that, just of things like what you want whenever you want them. Order her around and tell her to get you things all the time and get pissed when she doesn't do it fast enough. Be a domineering ass that tries to get whatever you want from her and give her nothing at all back. Then after about 2 months of that, tell her your just tired of her. Tell her that her tits are too small, she is a shitty lay, she can't suck a dick for crap, and you are tired of all her whinny shit. This is all if you keep your cool and she stupidly calls you back in a few months. Otherwise forget her and work on you.

As far as women cheating on you (and guys cheating too) it is way common. I read a book not too long ago where the author thinks that all break ups where the woman leaves a man involves another man whether you know it or not. I know that’s not totally true but you get the point. it is very common.

Good luck

[ngwasuma]

What do you guys think about revenge in a situation like this, is it justified?

Revenge is not justified under any circumstance. Try to relax and focus on other things like other friends. G/Fs are not the only thing in life. Take your time on other things and then revisit your situation later when time has passed. You will be able to think much better then.

[Musicman]

Guys, your dead right. Revenge, would be just lowering myself to her level. "Hugo-Pickle" I'll keep in mind your advise regarding if she wants to get back, but at this point ; I don't think I could ever look her in the eye again without going beserk!

I was physicaly sick after catching her in bed with some other guy, in the same room we'd shared many intimate days/nights.

It's like she desecrated all the beliefs I held about her as a person. She had no problem with looking me in the eyes, and doing the baby-sweet-talk while constantly filling me with bull about how much she loved me etc. She even did this just after midnight on new-years eve (in the middle of our argument)- when she was screwing this other guy behind my back!!!!

I think at the end of the day, I was just unlucky & managed to hook up with a rotten apple. I suppose now I'm feeling an element of relief to be away from her.
I'm sure her behaviour wont change & she'll do the same to some other poor mug probably to this guy she's seeing now. So I'm gonna concentrate on me. I've hit the gym again, Quit smoking & start lifting weights again. Time to get in shape for the *REAL* one!!

[TAVS]

4 Months? 4 Months? Get Over it man!

[alice]

Revenge is not justified under any circumstance. Try to relax and focus on other things like other friends. G/Fs are not the only thing in life. Take your time on other things and then revisit your situation later when time has passed. You will be able to think much better then.

sorry, i don't think so. of course, it's all very rational and "grown-up" but when it comes to feelings, forget about rationality.

I know that's petty but I feel desperate to retaliate in some small, but significant way, to show I wont accept this treatment sitting down

i felt exactly the same – and still do – and i took my revenge. nothing harmful, of course, just a little sting, delivered by one of his best friends, that showed him, not only myself (that's what he kept telling me, it's only me who's got a problem with his character, erverybody else thinks he's a good guy) but his closest friends as well don't approve of his ways.

it wasn't a big thing, but it was the meanest, most malicious thing i've ever done to anyone. actually, it was a question of lowering myself onto his level of manipulating people, which i truly and deeply despise – but it really was the only way for me to get through to him, because nothing i tried to tell or show him in a more civilized manner ever did.

i didn't help me get over the pain – on the contrary, at times it got even worse, because it made me think a lot about him, but i still believe it was the right thing to do. and i feel some kind of relief too, knowing this one message has come through (even if he doesn't know who it's come from).

if you need inspiration for your own revenge, i can tell you what i did to him via email – it's too long a story and would bore the others, i'm afraid.

we'll be the MASTERS OF PAYBACK!

[Musicman]

I know how it sounds, TAVS - 4 months sounds like I'm totally over-reacting. Trust me - I'm not. I've been in long-term relationships before this ; one was for 4 years - and it wasn't as intense. This girl genuinely had me believing we were made for each other. She talked about us marrying, we'd even planned out were we'd have our wedding!

I wouldn't normally consider myself naive or gullible, in fact I'm usual a bit weary of people. This girl gave off such an impression of unquestionable honesty & integrity that when I saw the other side to her personality; the sneaky, slutty, cruel & deceptive side, it was like she had split personality disorder or something! - Come to think of it maybe she does?!?

[alice]

shit, i've just seen, i took too long writing my message – you've already changed your mind, splitter! (my jokes might sound slightly rough sometimes – i hope i do not offend anyone, i just can't help it)

[alice]

@ TAVS

4 Months? 4 Months? Get Over it man!

how long would you suggest it take him?

[TAVS]

@ TAVS

how long would you suggest it take him?

I dunno a week? I've been with my girlfriend for 3 months, I think we have a great future together, she just moved in. If we broke up next month, it would really suck; but it wouldn't cause me too much stress; nothing ventured, nothing gained.