Gonna give it a go...

[davidjones]

I've had a few posts on here about my ex girlfriend and things have got a little strange now and I'm not sure how she's feeling. It was quite obvious a few weeks ago she didn't want me back, I broke off all contact and left the ball in her court. The last week or so I feel she's dropping me hints that she's changed or changing her mind and I've decided I'll have a go at trying to get her back this weekend.

However I'm not sure on the best approach.

I think the main reason we broke up is she felt we didn't want the same things in the future. Children and such. She's only 21 and I always made light of it because I didn't think it was a huge deal at her age, however I think she wanted reassurances that's what I wanted in the future (not right now) and I never gave her them...although we never really sat down and talked about it seriously. I'm open to having children but I don't think I'd be hugely disappointed if it didn't happen.

Should I dive straight in to trying to give her reassurances about things obviously very important to her?

Or should I just tell her how I feel, see how she feels and then try and work though that later?

Or should I make some romantic gesture?

I think I'm right in thinking she'd be open to trying to work things out, but I could be miss reading her so I want to be delicate. Trouble is the way things are at the moment I think I might be in danger of losing her in the "friend zone". Somewhere I can't handle being.

[michelle23]

I dont think you should mention anything about marriage or kids right now. That would be weird coz your not together. I also dont think you should make the first move to get her back. She ended it so she should be the one making that move. Dont allow yourself to be there for her, texting her, ringing her, meeting for coffee etc unless she tells you that she wants you back.

You still need to be aloof and distant. You could get someone to drop a hint to her saying "he still loves you" but I wouldn't do anything else right now if I were you.

Also I dont think thats the reason she ended it. Shes 21, still in college, she probably wants to know that you see a future with her but I dont think shed end it coz you have never mentioned children. Your both young

[davidjones]

I am still unsure of the reasons she ended it, but that makes more sense than other things she said - if she thought we didn't want the same things in the future than that's a fairly good reason. I've always known she's wanted children, it's something she had said quite a lot but we had never really discussed it and I don't tend to look to far past the next couple of years. I also have a tendency to be a bit light hearted and jokey when serious things do pop up! I agree it might be a bit weird to mention it as we're not together, but if it was the problem and she thinks I don't want children ever would she even consider sorting things out if she still thought there was no chance of a future?!

I did think she should make the first move, but then I thought is her making contact after a period of no contact her making the first move? Or should I wait for her to bring it up the conversation. I haven't been the one to ring or text her for a long time, any conversations have been initiated by her, but I have been replying to texts and returning calls the last couple of weeks. We've met up a couple of times and that's what's left me with these doubts over what she wants now.

It is easier being aloof and distant as I don't think about it but now it feels like there's a chance it will be hard to do it again, but you've helped me a lot so I will wait and see what she does next.

[michelle23]

There could be lots of reasons.

1/. The infatuation could have worn off which confused and scared her
2/. You were depressed for awhile when your dad died (which wasn't your fault) but it probably sucked some of the romance away (again not your fault)
3/. She may have just missed being single
4/. Maybe she was having doubts about the future as you said (marriage, kids, whether you love her enough, whether your 100% committed etc)

There could be 100 reasons for the breakup and only she can answer that for you. You should ask her to explain. If nothing else comes out of it-at least you will have some closure. And it will give you a chance to talk about any issues you were unaware of and give you a chance to explain things from your side.

That is probably the best thing you could do. Ask her to meet you somewhere private that you can talk and ask her to explain the reasons why she ended it and how she is feeling now. Dont tell her how you feel or answer her questions until she does.

Either way at least you will know where you stand and you will know whether to just move on with your life or to stick around.

[lamobatsman]

doesnt work michelle. she will never tell him the truth, wats teh point in even meeting her up and asking?!

[michelle23]

doesnt work michelle. she will never tell him the truth, wats teh point in even meeting her up and asking?!

I think after being together for a long time-she owes him the truth and I cant see any reason why she would lie

[lamobatsman]

what she shud owe and what she does owe are two different things. he will never hear the real truth from her cmon we both know that. she might have met another guy

[davidjones]

There could be lots of reasons.

1/. The infatuation could have worn off which confused and scared her
2/. You were depressed for awhile when your dad died (which wasn't your fault) but it probably sucked some of the romance away (again not your fault)
3/. She may have just missed being single
4/. Maybe she was having doubts about the future as you said (marriage, kids, whether you love her enough, whether your 100% committed etc)

1 - It could have done, we were together almost 3 years but I don't think that was the case. It didn't feel that way although it seems I have been fairly inept at reading her.
2 - I think this could be a big part of it and I think I might have pushed her away a bit following his death, I didn't really know I was doing it and didn't mean to, but looking back I know I did. It also had put quite a strain on us, we weren't spending as much time together. My feeling is that this lead to her doubting the future even more.
3 - Possibly, she said she thought I wanted to be single but it kind of felt afterwards that it was more her wanting to be single the way she reacted. But when we were catching up it didn't sound like she'd been enjoying it and sounded more like her friends had been pushing her to go out, which I assumed was them trying to cheer her up?

I have asked her to explain before but it never feels complete like it doesn't add up, I'm not sure if she's trying to be gentle with me or whether she just doesn't really understand herself. I don't think she's lied to me, I just don't think she's told me everything.

I very much doubt she met someone else, it's possible she did but I would be very surprised if she had, that just doesn't really fit. I would be less surprised if she had done something silly however and was feeling guilty, but I don't think there's anything serious going on with anyone else.

She got upset the last time we met up and I don't know what to make of that still. I wondered if she was feeling guilty, or whether she felt she'd made a mistake or whether there's something else going on that's nothing to do with me?! She didn't want to explain and I didn't want to push her while she was upset.

I'll wait to hear from her now, I haven't heard anything for a couple of days so maybe I am reading her wrong again. For a long while I could read her so well, we used to talk about it, maybe we did just drift apart or maybe she changed and I didn't notice.

[michelle23]

I told you already-when something big like that happens (the death of a loved one) it will either bring you closer or drive you apart. If it drives you a part it means you wernt that strong a team to begin with. Its really hard when something like that happens-you shut down emotionally and feel numb and its difficult to smile half the time but if she really loved you, really saw a future-she would have been patient and allowed you to grieve while just being a shoulder for you to lean on.

If you spent a lifetime together-there would be more deaths, more rough patches, all sorts of crappy situations and youd both have to be strong and stick together. If shes ran out of steam after the first battle in your relationship-she is probably not ready to deal with lifes crap and just wants to have fun. Maybe shell understand when she loses someone.

[davidjones]

I'm sure you're right - it's just difficult to accept. Maybe I'm just naive but I thought we were stronger than that, but I guess everyone says that.

[lamobatsman]

shes not worth it man

[michelle23]

I'm sure you're right - it's just difficult to accept. Maybe I'm just naive but I thought we were stronger than that, but I guess everyone says that.

Maybe shes just not ready for all the responsibility that comes with a serious relationship. Shes in college-having fun with her friends. Its not your fault. Its just the way it is. Maybe she will get bored of the partying and single life and come running back. Most people think they want that at some stage and then they realize after a few months-its really not all that its cracked up to be.