Who's hurting who?

[danica]

I don't think I'm looking for advice or how to solve this ... it feels hopeless. I need to know I'm not crazy. This is the deepest relationship I've ever had and the only one in years.

I've been in love with a guy for coming up on four years soon ...we live 90 minutes away, previously he was a neighbor before our move. He calls me every night and I adore/need to hear from him .. He's NOT a player ... he's hard working guy in his mid 30's, very funny, ... comedian type ... doesn't party, a homebody like me ... not a womanizer ... in fact I'm the only serious relationship he's ever had. He's seen me through a lot of bad .. helped me through a lot in the past, financially and otherwise. I stayed with him a month nine months ago ... he took care of me for my surgery and was very sad when I left ... intensely sad and depressed for several weeks ... I've spent the last nine months going through a lot of problems. I've needed him a lot and missed him. When I bring it up and say I miss him he just teasingly says "oh brother" and cuts me off. It hurts my heart very bad but if I say it does he says I'm hurting him or just dismisses me like it's annoying that I miss him.

I had an opportunity come up for my online school to attend the actual school for two weeks this summer, which is near him. It's been the ONE really positive thing going on for me ... anyway so a few weeks ago I asked him if I could stay with him and .... he said no .. it would be too hard with my kids (even though I had told him my sister offered to let them stay there as before) and my mom (who's already a problem everyday as it is). I got so hurt, I got off the phone quickly and it felt like my entire finally happy world came tumbling down. I'd have to rent a hotel near that school and can't afford that .. and I've been missing him deeply ... I tell him this and he just dismisses it like it's trivial. Not in an angry way but more or less in a "let's laugh about this instead" way. It's just not funny to me.

The only time a month ago he had asked if I would come down (before my school thing) was to take care of him when he has oral surgery. Since the night my heart got shattered with his answer .. I've kept a lot in cuz it's just not discussed. Last night he tells me his surgery is scheduled for Thursday ... and my heart sank to my feet. His friend will be driving him and tending to him. I got so hurt that I told him I can't keep loving him .. that there's NO point loving him if even 9 months later I'm not "allowed" to see him. He tells me I'm hurting him. I only wanted to love him ... share life with him ... and this is btw ... just once every month or so. That's ALL I asked ... ever ... not to live with him or marry him ... just to spend some time together once in a while ... he says I hurt him. I'm the one rejected and banished from his life ... how can *I* be hurting him?

It's so hard to describe this relationship. From the outside it looks like he's just nothing but mean ... I wish that were the case cuz this would be easier ... He's just not like any other guy I've ever met ... There is this bond between us that defies logic at times ... And I know I'm gonna sound weak when I say "he doesn't mean it" ... he seriously does NOT see this at all as him hurting me ... In all other ways I'm a very strong willed feisty person ... He's close to my girls (10 and 18) but not in a father way, which is fine by me and them too. I've raised them on my own and they both appreciate that ... wouldn't know what to do with a father. They love him but in their own way. So none of this is about us being some happy family all together. That's not what they want and not what I want, so I wanted to make that part clear. I literally only wanted to see him sometimes. That's ALL.

Example of how much he doesn't see this ... The other day he was very compassionate about things going on here (with my verbally abusive mother we ended up with after I lost my job and dealt with the onset of a medical problem 2 years ago) ... He was upset that I was in pain and asking me how bad my mom was being. He then said "You need to get out of there ... even if you take your kids to your sister's and you go to a homeless shelter." ... I'll add no more than that ... don't wanna lead anybody. He MEANT it kindly in his head but to me it's like an elephant in your living room to not see how that would be perceived ...

He does NOT see this. at ALL. To me this is like the most obvious thing in the world but I feel like it must be me. Please tell me if I have a valid hurt here.

[Gigabitch]

There's either something very wrong with this guy or something very wrong with this relationship. I understand he's probably trying to maintain boundaries or something, but suggesting that you go to a homeless shelter is just...weird.

[danica]

Yeah I took it that way ... Even from the beginning he's always been kinda afraid of his feelings ... and yet went into a depression when I moved away and we've maintained what we have. It's hard for me to compute in my head this is the same guy who was intensely happy in an "omg so THIS is what love feels like" way when I was there ...

He's incredibly smart .. almost genius level ... so I just can't understand how he doesn't immediately see how it would feel to know I'm loved and yet kept afar. He's a little eccentric ... admittedly ...

I looked all through this forum and don't even SEE anybody else with my problem lol ... hard to deal with cuz I really do love the guy.

[Lineofsight]

Obviously you both are hurting eachother for trying to make this relationship something beautiful which doesn't work taking all the above complications in account.

Do you see yourself living with him and your kids, somehow, some way? If not, then I totally understand he gets hurt everytime you mention missing him. He either 1. doesn't want to fully get into the relationship or 2. would really like to but understands/thinks it's impossible.

[danica]

He thinks it's ridiculous that I miss him is the thing ... Like there's no validity to it ... "we just saw each other" (nine months ago) ...

I'd love to marry the man someday .. he knows that ... I've always been super open about my love for him ... telling him how much I love him, miss him, need him ... He loves hearing it but it's obvious it still scares him almost four years later.

I'm the only woman he's ever said "I love you" to ... if that helps understand any better ... he's afraid .. I don't push though. I've only asked to see him.

I don't really see us all living as some happy family together. He's not the father type ... teases them and interacts with them but in their own unique way. He's had long talks with my oldest about her life and all that ... but it would terrify the hell out of him to be a stepdad I think ... My fantasy is to have my kids in my own life, which is what they want too ... and just share his sometimes.

So no the "hurting him" isn't about my denying him anything.

Typical:
Me: I miss you...
Him: oh pssha ... stop, that again?
Me: It's been forever.
Him: You're huuurting me.

Like it's all funny ...

[alovehangoverr]

I don't see how this relationship can continue.

He doesn't validate your feelings.. and has an obvious fear of serious emotion/committment even after 4 years.

I'm not sure where you see this going-- yes, you've said you'd like to marry him, but are there any steps being taken in that direction? Apparently he thinks it's normal to only see each other every 9 months.

Sure, it may hurt him to have you there and then leave.. but.. what's the point of a relationship with someone you could see.. yet.. he won't allow it?

[IndiReloaded]

He doesn't validate your feelings.. and has an obvious fear of serious emotion/committment even after 4 years.

This is pretty much was I was thinking^. Your post is just full of red flags.

Not sure why you are still with this guy, much less spending the energy to post about him. You are wasting your time with this guy. Find a nice guy who will treat you like a fellow human being. You have a crab. Crabs should be crushed & eaten or thrown back if they are very underdeveloped.

[Mish]

It sounds like he doesn't want to invest himself further in this relationship, he doesn't want it to get more serious.

He is hurting you because you want from him more than he wants to give. I think it's his way of saying "back off, I will not give you any more than I already did". The humour is the sugar coating to make it sound less mean.

[danica]

He doesn't validate your feelings.. and has an obvious fear of serious emotion/committment even after 4 years.

That's correct yes ... though the hard part for me is he did used to ... he had this wonderful way of seeing these things and I'd not even have to bring it up ... I don't understand how that stopped after spending all that time together.

I'm not sure where you see this going-- yes, you've said you'd like to marry him, but are there any steps being taken in that direction? Apparently he thinks it's normal to only see each other every 9 months.

Well it's been nine months .. in my view it could be a year or more now .. since seeing him at this time isn't even possible ... I don't have to marry him ... However I DO have to see him and also feel wanted around. And yes he thinks it's normal ...

I get hurt twice, three times actually. First I miss him and that hurts. Then I hear the reaction and that hurts. Then I hear I'm hurting him ... Hurt all over and it's killing me he doesn't see something this obvious.

he always jokes about "focus grouping" this and that ... as if he's right ... not this necessarily but other also obvious things ...

Your post is just full of red flags.

By "red flags" what do you mean?

I guess I'm just angry that I'm having to consider walking away from somebody who otherwise makes me VERY happy .. not because he's cheated, lied, drugs, alcohol, beating me etc .. but because he won't see me? We got along beeeeautifully when I was there ... he didn't want me to leave ... it's SO confusing for me ... but at least admit it ... if nothing else if he would just admit it so I don't feel insane for being what I think is really normal to feel in this.

Mishanya thank you ... hurts a lot to read but yeah I agree and think that's probably about right.

I told him last night I can't go on like this and we could save our friendship ... but that I had to start letting him go as the man in my heart ... he loves me but from afar and it breaks my heart in half. It's the opposite of what I want ... we've gone through so much together this seems mindless and senseless. I'm also the person he trusts the most on this planet ... This isn't a guy who's easy to get close to ... I know him better than anybody probably ever will ...

Does anybody else even have this problem??? *sigh*

[Mish]

Does anybody else even have this problem??? *sigh*

Caring more about a partner than they care about you? Being in a relationship where the person doesn't want to be involved deeper? I think almost everyone have been in that kind of a situation. You are not alone.

[danica]

Yeah I guess when you put it that way ... it's common. I guess I get confused by the devoted calls and take those for more than they are ... He loves me .. but I guess just not enough ...

[danica]

I told him two nights ago that it would probably be best to not call me every night anymore because it's time for me to work on myself and not so focused on him since we're hopeless ... Of course he takes that as my hurting him. Right, like this is what I *want*.

He called me at 1:30am last night all nervous about his oral surgery today. Did the usual joking about if he dies, what's the routine etc (morbid sense of humor this guy) ... and then referred to me as his girlfriend again. I had to say "That's not what I am okay? Girlfriends are not kept away." He just pouted and didn't make much of it ...

He just now called me to let me know he's home from surgery. Tells me what great care the older neighbor lady took of him. Wonderful, great, GOOD for her. I know this is selfish of me but I'm SO hurt and angry that I'm not there that it's like I don't want to hear about it. I'm glad to know he's okay and need to know that ... but having a hard time not coming across like an uncaring bitch. Nobody cares about the guy like I do.

But I know this is just gonna all be ignored like I never said a thing.

*Frustrated*

[Mish]

He just now called me to let me know he's home from surgery. Tells me what great care the older neighbor lady took of him. Wonderful, great, GOOD for her.

Read: See how much even strangers love me not like you? I can find someone else so easily just like that. You better get your act together or you will lose me. I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you.

[danica]

Well .. she's 77 years old lol but I DO agree with the concept yes ... makes sense.

[Gigabitch]

Dani, I think he's wasting your time.