What to do?

[Aeradalia]

As time goes on the effects of the medication continue to change me. It's difficult to explain, but life seems to have more clarity than it once did. I'm far more quiet and inclined to listen than to talk, especially when I sense I may not have nearly as much to contribute as I think. Problems that once entangled and overwhelmed me now seem so trivial and at times, insignificant. Overall, I feel more balanced than I did before.

However, I am troubled as my feelings toward my boyfriend have changed as well. I see him as he really is, insecure and completely brutal in regards to his own self-image. I also see a man broken by his own perceived failures and cycles of self-fulfilling prophecies. His level of disrepair exceeds any kind words or show of encouragements I could offer.

I love him, but wonder if I can really help him, or if he'd be willing to help himself. I don't want to be yet another failure for him, but judging from his current way of thinking, he'll continue to push me aside or reduce to self-loathing until he chases me away. I don't want that... he really is a sweet man, and he has been so supportive of me and my endeavors. I'm so unsure of what to do.

I really can't change him... as nobody can be changed unless they will the change on their own. I can't change who I am in an effort to fit... I've learned that just breeds resentment overtime. I feel I am at an impasse.

[Aeradalia]

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[lahnnabell]

I've been there my dear. Plenty of my exes were men that hadn't made that shift into "growing up". It took me finally gaining some self-respect to realize that I would not put up with anymore BS. After talking to several of them recently, they've admitted to having made big changes after the split with me. Break-ups can be really pivotal, life-changing events. It forces people to truly look at themselves. You're forced to be alone to figure out your issues instead of passing them off to someone else (as many often do when in relationships). A "you hurt the ones closest to you" type of thing.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Sounds like your boyfriend feels just as lost as you are. I'm not saying you have to break up with him, but he seems to be lacking some sort of driving force in his life. Sadly, it is not your responsibility to be this force for him. He's gotta locate the desire from within.

You say he pushes you aside? As in he shrugs off your concerns as though they are not valid? This kind of behavior is very damaging on you and the relationship. If he's not willing to work together with you on this... what else can you do?

[Aeradalia]

You say he pushes you aside? As in he shrugs off your concerns as though they are not valid? This kind of behavior is very damaging on you and the relationship. If he's not willing to work together with you on this... what else can you do?

He tends to disregard or negate much of what I say pertaining to him. If I say I think he looks handsome, he'll either change the subject or say something to the affect of him being unsightly. If I tell him I think he's a good man, he'll once more disregard or say something negative about himself. He talks less and less about himself, which leaves me feeling left out.

He is supportive towards me, but I want to feel that I can help him too.

[bah]

What type of medication are you on?

[LailaK]

If you get off from being a nursemaid and a martyr then by all means keep doing what you're doing. If not, maybe you should take a step back and evaluate your life. If he's not good for you and you feel he's dragging you down it doesn't matter what your heart says you have to leave.

I'm not talking out of my ass. I had a bf that got progressively emotionally and at times physically abusive as I started to graduate from college and get job offers. I was planning to move into a nice neighborhood and start off adult life with a great start and he couldn't handle it. With everyone of my successes he felt the need to do something to pull me back down to his level. I'm not saying your boyfriend is like that, I'm just pointing out that sometimes when we set out to better ourselves there can be people around us who aren't interested in bettering themselves and who can't take the positive changes that they see. And remember that a person can only be helped if they want to help themselves.

If he's supportive, great. If what I said has nothing to do with your relationship that's even better and I'm sorry for butting in.

[Aeradalia]

What type of medication are you on?

I'm on anti-depressants and mood stabilizers...

[Aeradalia]

If you get off from being a nursemaid and a martyr then by all means keep doing what you're doing. If not, maybe you should take a step back and evaluate your life. If he's not good for you and you feel he's dragging you down it doesn't matter what your heart says you have to leave.

I'm not talking out of my ass. I had a bf that got progressively emotionally and at times physically abusive as I started to graduate from college and get job offers. I was planning to move into a nice neighborhood and start off adult life with a great start and he couldn't handle it. With everyone of my successes he felt the need to do something to pull me back down to his level. I'm not saying your boyfriend is like that, I'm just pointing out that sometimes when we set out to better ourselves there can be people around us who aren't interested in bettering themselves and who can't take the positive changes that they see. And remember that a person can only be helped if they want to help themselves.

If he's supportive, great. If what I said has nothing to do with your relationship that's even better and I'm sorry for butting in.

You have managed to describe me ex... well at least in part. It is my intention to avoid a similar situation if I can.

However, he seems to greatly support me, especially with all that has happened, but it greatly troubles me that he still continues to see himself in a poor light. I feel like he's shutting out a part of himself, and that makes me worried.

[lahnnabell]

He tends to disregard or negate much of what I say pertaining to him. If I say I think he looks handsome, he'll either change the subject or say something to the affect of him being unsightly. If I tell him I think he's a good man, he'll once more disregard or say something negative about himself. He talks less and less about himself, which leaves me feeling left out.

He is supportive towards me, but I want to feel that I can help him too.

My boyfriend gets this way a little. Not to the degree that your guy is going, but it's similar behavior. I can tell that when I compliment my guy he doesn't always believe it. Not because I sound insincere, but because he personally doesn't feel that way about himself. It'd be very hard to fake my attraction to him anyway because it's so genuine.

I think part of what makes my boyfriend accept my compliments is the incredulous reaction with which I deliver them. He literally astounds me, and I can't find any other way to convey my message. However, sometimes words can simply be too much. I get embarrassed sometimes when my boyfriend compliments me. I'll turn red and smile shyly. Maybe this is a similar feeling he's going through. He's not used to someone being so generous.