How to encourage?

[Aeradalia]

I talked to my boyfriend yesterday and in our conversation he had flattered me quite a bit. I told him that he was the greatest man I've ever known... which I feel to be true. He responded by saying there was nothing great about him, and tried to pass off sadness for modesty.

What are some things I can say or do to help his confidence? What is it that men need to hear... want to hear ...from someone they care about?

[boobaa]

We want to hear truth. Actually, we don't want to hear much from women, just cook us dinner and give sex, then it is obvious.

[vaneigem]

I don't think there's anything specific you can say to increase his confidence, it's more about an accumulation of little things showing you appreciate him for who he is.

He probably does think there are things about him that are great, but saying generic nice things often sounds hollow. Try and recognise what his self perception is and what things he likes about himself that usually go unacknowledged, and acknowledge them. Those are the nicest sorts of compliments.

[TheTooya]

Telling someone they are the greatest is nice to hear, but hearing what backs up that statement means so much more than phrases....

You can say the typical compliments, hes handsome, hes smart, motivated, nice personality, etc... or you can go a step further and tell him how he makes you feel when your around him.

Its always nicer to hear the why rather than the generic what... If you think he has an amazing personality, what in his personality shines through? If you think he is handsome, what is it about his looks that makes you sigh?

Saying more than just the statements will go a long way in making him know you are being sincere. Hope that helped

[damn2008]

I don't know about the sadness...but your b/f sounds like me and I am a very modest and humble guy...but I compliment it with confidence and a HINT of cockiness. And I always tell people I appreciate their compliments and thank them for them...sometimes adding a "are you talking about me or some other guy?" in there as well.

Is he overall a humble/modest person?...I feel we're not getting the whole story if you want to boost his confidence over him being modest about him being the greatest man you've ever known.

[Male Man]

I talked to my boyfriend yesterday and in our conversation he had flattered me quite a bit. I told him that he was the greatest man I've ever known... which I feel to be true. He responded by saying there was nothing great about him, and tried to pass off sadness for modesty.

'Talk' and 'Conversation' should be kept to a minumum. Men are not generally fond of those. Action would (IMO) be more appropriate. ACT as though he were the 'greatest man' you have ever met.

What are some things I can say or do to help his confidence? What is it that men need to hear... want to hear ...from someone they care about?

Hopefully you have chosen a good man...If that is the case then SHOW him....Be sexy, flirtatous, and generally make him FEEL like a man....Almost forgot...Talking....About his sexual prowess is acceptable.

[Aeradalia]

I don't know about the sadness...but your b/f sounds like me and I am a very modest and humble guy...but I compliment it with confidence and a HINT of cockiness. And I always tell people I appreciate their compliments and thank them for them...sometimes adding a "are you talking about me or some other guy?" in there as well.

Is he overall a humble/modest person?...I feel we're not getting the whole story if you want to boost his confidence over him being modest about him being the greatest man you've ever known.

He is a very humble and modest person, but at times he can be cynical... though it seems that he is wrestling to keep that under control. We both have similar pasts and in some ways we are the same, but in other ways we are not. In our relationship we are open and honest... free to express how we feel and even encouraged to not keep anything from the other (anything considered important.. mind you).

We can both be very thoughtful and still straight to the point when need be. Though we may differ in many ways, I've noticed that the more stress he feels the more difficulties he has with controlling his emotions, almost has if he leaves his heart on his sleeve without realizing it. This may have led to his more cynical side. I on the other hand, lose touch with my emotions when I feel stressed. Often appearing cold and distant, but really not meaning to be.

When we are talking, he desires to express how he feels (though asks if I am ok with where the conversation is going... never had anyone take that approach with me) whereas I am more inclined to pause, arrange my thoughts before speaking my mind.

I feel like the blind leading the blind, in that I'm not sure how to go about this, especially since I've never encountered someone like him before. In my life affection was given sparingly and very difficult to earn... and he gives it so freely. I feel both overwhelmed and eager to indulge all at the same time.

It saddens me when he offers so much for me, but rarely leaves anything for himself... I sense the deficit and want to help. All I know to do is say how I feel, tell the truth as I see it, and show my appreciation through actions and kind gestures.

So essentially, I am nervous and not sure what to do...


Edited to include:

He tends to tie emotional attachment with sex... which was strongly influenced by his past. I've had to learn to integrate the two together, and at times I sometimes still feel uneasy about sex. Just like most males, he is still very sexual and does try to express how he feels with physical show of affection (kissing, touching... suggestion.. etc). Though I have made no requests or even any hints, he seems to have slowed this part of himself considerably. So, we have yet to be completely sexual... but have went about as far as you can before eventually doing so.

[Male Man]

He tends to tie emotional attachment with sex... which was strongly influenced by his past.

Then all us men have the same 'past'

I've had to learn to integrate the two together, and at times I sometimes still feel uneasy about sex.

Nothing makes a man clam-up more than if his woman is 'uneasy' about sex.

Just like most males, he is still very sexual and does try to express how he feels with physical show of affection (kissing, touching... suggestion.. etc).

And how is that received by you?

Though I have made no requests or even any hints, he seems to have slowed this part of himself considerably.

Small wonder...After you just shared how you feel 'uneasy' about sex. Apparently he is at least trying to be sensitive to your feelings.

So, we have yet to be completely sexual... but have went about as far as you can before eventually doing so.

I am presuming you are both adults????? (hopefully)

[georgehutton]

Try to compliment him on his actions. And then tell him how he makes you feel. And when you tell him how he makes you feel, touch in a special way as you are expressing your feelings.

That way when he DOES something, he'll feel good that you noticed it, and when you tell him he makes you feel GOOD (or whatever) and then stroke his arm or back or something and give him a quick luvvy duvvy look.

He'll get the message. Guys like to do things, accomplish things. That way he'll be able to , in his mind, tie in your compliment with how he can create good feelings in you by doing things.

Like, for example, if he holds the door open for an old lady, it goes like this:

Wow, I like it when you do nice things like that for people. I feel really good to have such cool boyfriend (stroke stroke stroke).

I gaurantee THAT will make him feel good.

[Aeradalia]

Quote:
He tends to tie emotional attachment with sex... which was strongly influenced by his past.

Then all us men have the same 'past'

I have been with men in the past (though few), who were in it for themselves. With him, how I feel is of great importance and even arousing to him. I understand that men need to feel connected somehow... he just happens to be the first man I've ever met that needed to feel this close to someone.

Quote:
I've had to learn to integrate the two together, and at times I sometimes still feel uneasy about sex.

Nothing makes a man clam-up more than if his woman is 'uneasy' about sex.

I am very eager to please another sexually. Though I'm not an expert, I have become proficient with helping a man indulge in pleasures of all kinds and have enjoyed it immensely. It is one of my most favorite things to do. The uneasiness I feel during sex at times is fleeting and has rarely been noticed by others in the past. With him, I feel at ease, loved, and even respected.

Quote:
Just like most males, he is still very sexual and does try to express how he feels with physical show of affection (kissing, touching... suggestion.. etc).

And how is that received by you?

I tend to demonstrate affection in more physical ways (despite my seeming wordiness). I am very happy to be kissed and touched by him, and want to return the gestures as well. However, he is the only one I feel comfortable enough to both show such affection and want to receive such affection... normally I don't like to be touched by anyone.. or even hugged by friends.


Quote:
Though I have made no requests or even any hints, he seems to have slowed this part of himself considerably.

Small wonder...After you just shared how you feel 'uneasy' about sex. Apparently he is at least trying to be sensitive to your feelings.

We did discuss our past experiences and this may be reason enough for his slower approach. I am grateful for the sensitivity he shows me. It has helped considerably.

Quote:
So, we have yet to be completely sexual... but have went about as far as you can before eventually doing so.

I am presuming you are both adults????? (hopefully)

Yes, we are both adults... I am 24 and he is 35. The slower sexual progression may once again be related to the divulging of my past... in past relationships I was much quicker (but not too quick) in becoming physical, and though I really liked pleasing them... I always felt there was something lacking. In this relationship, I feel wanting of sex and comfortable with the idea as well.

[tutoo3895]

We want to hear truth. Actually, we don't want to hear much from women, just cook us dinner and give sex, then it is obvious.

there may be somethig more important than this

[Gigabitch]

Jeeze. My husband eats up compliments with a spoon and wants more. I think it's because he believes me. maybe your boyfriend just doesn't really believe you.

Maybe you could compliment him on smaller things and build up to "greatest man ever". Tell him the jeans he's wearing are inspiring you to take them off of him. Tell him that the toast he made was yummy. Tell him he has the most kissable lips you've ever seen. Stuff like that.

[Aeradalia]

Jeeze. My husband eats up compliments with a spoon and wants more. I think it's because he believes me. maybe your boyfriend just doesn't really believe you.

Maybe you could compliment him on smaller things and build up to "greatest man ever". Tell him the jeans he's wearing are inspiring you to take them off of him. Tell him that the toast he made was yummy. Tell him he has the most kissable lips you've ever seen. Stuff like that.

I do.. I do.. I can't help but to wonder if we're both the kind of people that feel like they can never give enough and are too modest or feel unworthy of accepting anything in return?

In either case... I have been 'showing' him how appreciative I am, and when I do compliment him I include the 'why' and not just the 'what.' He seems to like this new approach... so hopefully whatever doubts he may have had have been dispelled.