'Nice' guy in need of advice

[JohnW]

As the title says, I am indeed a nice guy and always have been. I don't have much dating experience and have been single most of my life. I've only been in one relationship, which ended rather abruptly a couple of years ago and have been single since.

This last summer I met an awesome girl who I just completely fell for and we became good friends. The problem as I have said, is that I am a nice guy and a quite shy one might I add.

Well this girl and I became the best of friends. I knew what I was doing was wrong and that I should have told her sooner, but my shyness got the best of me. It's really hard for me to talk about my feelings, much less ask a girl out. So for a few months, yes FEW, I was just a friend. It wasn't until recently I just couldn't handle it anymore and I asked her.

It didn't go so well, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. We both had a mutual worry that this might ruin our friendship, but we talked about it and we are still friends, I might even go as far as saying we have become better and best friends because of it.

She had told me that she has had bad experiences with dating good friends in the past and that she doesn't want to go there again. So hearing this, I knew that any chances with her were nonexistent, but my undying hope just doesn't give up.

I thought I was getting over her but she said that she fell for someone and now I'm just a complete mess. I couldn't sleep at all and I found myself walking aimlessly around the block in the wee hours of the night.

I'm just tired of doing this to myself, so that's why I came here to ask for advice. In my last relationship, it turned out that we were two different people and that I really didn't know her to begin with. I guess I feared that and that's why did what I did with the girl I currently like.

So please I ask you for any advice, constructive criticism... anything that might help me see things and/or gain confidence in myself to ask sooner or how to give up, anything would be helpful.

Thanks in advance, John.

[chump4u]

As the title says, I am indeed a nice guy and always have been.

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Damn, fellow, I wish I could have caught you before you posted this. A warning might have done you some good. Too late now, though.

Confessing to "nice-guyness" in front of the crowd that posts here is about as smart as painting a bulls-eye on your scrotum, then handing out pointy-toed shoes to a bunch of drunken thugs.

Oh, well...maybe I can come by and hand you a bandaid or two later on.

[girl68]

You've got to stay away from her for a good period of time. It would seem that you are too invested to get over her WHILE being friends. So I think you need to take a big step back in order to get her out of your mind. Then you need to find a new girl.

[qwertz]

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Damn, fellow, I wish I could have caught you before you posted this. A warning might have done you some good. Too late now, though.

Confessing to "nice-guyness" in front of the crowd that posts here is about as smart as painting a bulls-eye on your scrotum, then handing out pointy-toed shoes to a bunch of drunken thugs.

Oh, well...maybe I can come by and hand you a bandaid or two later on.

Hey!!!!
Some of us arent that bad!

To the OP. I think you need to really move on from her, go out, socialise, meet new people. We cant tell you how to be confident, you have to do that for yourself.

[JohnW]

You've got to stay away from her for a good period of time. It would seem that you are too invested to get over her WHILE being friends. So I think you need to take a big step back in order to get her out of your mind. Then you need to find a new girl.

Yeah, I think you are right. I don't know how I'm going to do that but I'll have to find a way.

[girl68]

and at that point I doubt you will ever be able to be this close with this gal again. it's alright though, she's not the only girl on the face of the earth that you can be great friends with.

[starbuck]

John, you fell into the dreaded friend zone too soon. Once you're in the FZ, it's really hard to get out.

To help you get over her, I suggest, staying away from her. You've clearly got a crush that isn't going to be reciprocated.

In the future, if you find yourself attracted to someone, don't try to be her friend at first. Flirt with her or ask her out on a date. Even if you get rejected right away, you won't fall into the friend zone. The best way to get good at asking girls out is to practice asking out girls you meet and fancy. The worst she can say is no, right?

[all alone]

minimize contact with her for a while.. its for the best, trust me, ive done it both ways after getting into the friend zone, much harder when she is constantly around. That being said, once you feel comfortable, you can slowly attempted to 're friend her'. But do some carefully.

Oh and when u think ur rdy, dont go yet, and wait another 2 extra months. Even if u think i may be good, the moment u see her ull sick right back in if u not carefull and wait the proper amount of time.

Hopefully u play it well and stay friends in the end (assuming shes worth it, friendship wise.. if not get the hell away NOW).

[thrillaveza]

you are just like me. i was always the 'nice' guy not knowing that being the 'nice' guy was also my kryptonite. i fell for a close friend, with months of being there for her and showing my gestures that i was interested, i got friend-zOWNED and found out she had been seeing someone. the feeling of that whole rejection ruined my summer and i'm still recovering from it. i told her i'd rather have her in my life than not at all ( told her this in the summer) but i chose to just cut her off for a while. she sometimes messages me on facebook but i don't respond. right now, i feel not to rekindle things with her (maybe once a blue moon i might give like a one-line thing to say to her like 'merry christmas' of the like), cause if i do go back and get attached, then i will go backwards.

i was told that i was too nice, though i don't want to condone in being a douchebag or anything cause that's not me. but the thing is, you have to have your own priorities. perhaps you got friendzone on the count that you were always there; she may have gotten bored or just it grown to her that you would only be suitable as that guy friend. i know it sucks but you just got to keep to what you do and try to move on. if it's meant to be then she'll come around but for now do your best to move on

[Peter Pry]

Yep, it's time to move on, as hard as that is. You can wallow in self-pity for a little while... but only a little while. Then brush yourself off and move on to the next one.

Since you've asked for criticism, the reason being the nice guy doesn't work is that you approach her in a friendly way, and so she responds to you in a friendly way. And once you're friends, the chances of growing a relationship with her diminish immediately, because now she has something to lose (your friendship) if it doesn't work out. By surprising her with a declaration of love months after you've gotten to be friends with her, you've done even worse by communicating that you've been lying to her all this time because you lack the sexiest attribute of all (confidence), and you've put her in a terrible situation that loses your friendship whatever she decides, so she is going to resent you for it and never see you again.

You were dishonest with her. Stop that.

If you want a romance with her, don't approach her as if she's your friend. Don't get to know her first. That is what dating is for. Ask her out immediately, so that everyone knows where you see the relationship going.

As a side note, you also have more to lose when you pussyfoot around. You're amplifying your own pain by behaving this way. Had you been rejected the very first day, you would have felt exactly 2.7 pangs of hurt, and then it would all be over. But being rejected after knowing her for months is a wrenching, heartbreaking experience that will take months or years to fully get over. Don't do it to yourself again. Be honest with her about your interest (well, about *everything*) from the outset.

[JohnW]

Yep, it's time to move on, as hard as that is. You can wallow in self-pity for a little while... but only a little while. Then brush yourself off and move on to the next one.

Since you've asked for criticism, the reason being the nice guy doesn't work is that you approach her in a friendly way, and so she responds to you in a friendly way. And once you're friends, the chances of growing a relationship with her diminish immediately, because now she has something to lose (your friendship) if it doesn't work out. By surprising her with a declaration of love months after you've gotten to be friends with her, you've done even worse by communicating that you've been lying to her all this time because you lack the sexiest attribute of all (confidence), and you've put her in a terrible situation that loses your friendship whatever she decides, so she is going to resent you for it and never see you again.

You were dishonest with her. Stop that.

If you want a romance with her, don't approach her as if she's your friend. Don't get to know her first. That is what dating is for. Ask her out immediately, so that everyone knows where you see the relationship going.

As a side note, you also have more to lose when you pussyfoot around. You're amplifying your own pain by behaving this way. Had you been rejected the very first day, you would have felt exactly 2.7 pangs of hurt, and then it would all be over. But being rejected after knowing her for months is a wrenching, heartbreaking experience that will take months or years to fully get over. Don't do it to yourself again. Be honest with her about your interest (well, about *everything*) from the outset.

yeah, i was dishonest with her. never saw it that way. thank you good sir and everyone who posted.

[TheWizard]

I had the nice-shy-guy confidence problem for awhile and here's what I did to help fix it.

1) Talk to strangers. Talk to girls at the supermarket, the gas station, on the sidewalk. SAY HI. Smile, and maybe make a small chit chat about how the cereal she's holding in her hand tastes like cardboard and you recommend something else.

THIS accomplishes one important thing. You no longer concern yourself with talking to women, it starts to flow easier and be more natural. When this happens they see you are relaxed and thus confident and will be happy to smile and exchange a little small talk.

2) This one seems weird, but do it anyway. Make eye contact with every girl you pass. Do it with every guy you pass too. The trick here is to not do it in a creepy staring way, but to do it in such a way that says "I'm not afraid of the fact that you know I'm looking at you right now". Sounds silly, but you'll begin to notice a lot of women will avert their eyes first - or even better look away and then look back wit a smile - time to go talk about the weather!

This one really helped me, it's the kind of thing you can do everywhere you go - don't do it to the guy with skull tattoos and a leather jacket, be reasonable. But you definitely get the sense that they are subconsciously aware of your dominant and confident presence.

Ask any girl if they prefer
A) a guy they caught checking them out and then made shady, eye darting movements that clearly shows they are trying to hide the fact they were looking at them, or
B) a guy they caught checking them out, then they lock eyes and he gives a very inviting soft smile while maintaining eye contact.

3) Lift weights. I'm serious! Don't have to do it to look like he-man, but the lessons that iron can teach you about yourself will make you feel healthier, and better about yourself. This in turn will reflect in your projection of yourself and boost your confidence. We are men after all.

4) When you start to chat with a girl that you like, and want to actually try and date, you have to communicate to them with more than words. Humans as a species require touch for intimacy... if you never touch her she will never have that dating association with you. The key is to make it seem natural, if it's awkward when you do it, she will know, and the entire thing will get awkward as a result. Be warm and friendly, and don't linger like a creep. A light touch of the arm when making a point, or gentle hold of the shoulder for a moment are safe places that will help to establish some "I am interested in you" rapport with a woman. Don't be a douche and smack her ass, or play with her hair etc when you just said hi. This will get you smacked and not achieve what you are looking for. Also judge her reaction to the touch - you'll know instinctively after the touch if she is not ok with it or if she is ok with it. DON'T BE A DOUCHE about this. Always be respectful.

Think of it like this. You're out on a date with a girl and you never touched the entire night, not even brushed against each other accidentally. You kept your distance from each other, and had conversations you thought went well. What do you think will happen if you go in for a kiss at the end of the night? Yeah, it'll be bad news.

You can and should work on 1, 2, and 4 immediately. The "Eye game" as I call it I still play all the time, and it's a very interesting thing as well. Do it next time you go out! Learning how to take these ideas and make it COMFORTABLE for a woman is what's key. Don't go groping in the dark and staring her down that will be worse than being sheepish.

All of these things take some time to develop, and you need to understand that rejection is part of this horrible dating game. Everyone has bad days so don't take it personally when someone doesn't respond well to you trying to start conversation.

Best of luck!