loving, healthy relationship...except for...

[chinchilla]

my boyfriend and i have been together for over a year. we are both 28. we are extremely close and almost everything about this relationship is amazing! we live together and are planning on getting engaged and married within the next year or two. we both dont want to have kids, ever. we get along fantastically and love each other very much. however, there is one thing wrong in this picture.*
in the 15 months we've been together, we barely have sex. i literally have to beg him. not to be snobby, but i am an attractive girl. i get turned down about 80% of the time. i say on average we do it about 2 or 3 times a month with me initiating it. and when we do, it is the best i have ever had and he says the same. he is also not affectionate as far as kissing or touching. yet he tells me he loves me often, that he loves his life with me and that im pretty or that i look cute.
i have confronted him only 3 times with my frustrations on the subject and he usually just blows it off or repeatedly apologizes and says he will try harder. last night we fought terribly (we NEVER fight, he is very reasonable and we talk everything out) i dont want to embarrass him or pressure him. his past is a very sexual one. hes had many partners since he was 15 and unfortunately contracted hsv2 about 5 years ago. this doesnt change my mind about him, nor does it bother me, because before we started dating or had sex, he was very honest. he has never told anyone but me and the girl that gave it to him that he has it. which sounds horrible, but he would never sleep with anyone during an outbreak, therefore he wouldn't really NEED to tell them. =\ we talk very openly about our pasts.
he watches porn occasionally, and i do not mind at all. in fact sometimes i will watch it with him and it does turn into sex. i am a very sexual being. i could do it every day, 2 times a day.*
he is not gay, and i know he would never cheat on me. i am very confident about our relationship and trusting him.*
i think this lies deeper. he will not go down on me because "he loves me and respects me". he says doesn't want our relationship to be only based on sex. he has never truly been in love before and i think this is all new to him. he claims he doesn't know how to make love. my argument is when you love somebody, it should come naturally. sex is a very personal and deep experience for me. ive only ever slept with boyfriends. ive only been in long term relationships, my shortest one 9 months and my longest 6 years. he has been in a handful of relationships, his longest one lasting a year and a half but with a breakup in between. he feels like sex is sex and that's it. he has cheated on not all but almost every girlfriend he had, and says that cheating made him feel a certain way, in which he wanted to have sex all the time with his past girlfriends. a guilt or a sense of excitement and risk?*
i have taught him to be more patient, affectionate and giving during sex. i made him pace himself and come with me at the same time once and it blew his mind. he had never experienced that before.*
breaking up is not an option. i love and adore this man and everything that comes with him with all that i have. i do not believe in divorce, and so we will work through this in our relationship like i would if it were our marriage.*
i am patient and willing to help him with his issues. but where do i begin? how can i help him? he works a shift from 3-11 and works an hour from home, so he always says he's too tired. he also quit smoking pot recently, hoping that would motivate him more. it's a start, but it's only been a week.*

realistic advice? similar experience? what would you ladies do in this case?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Leave now. You can't expect him to change, and getting married with such a huge hole in the relationship is a bad idea, and you'll keep feeling worse and worse. Marriage will not fix this, but exacerbate it. The earlier you leave, the easier it will be.

[Boisdevie]

Yep. Your life together is just fantastic - apart from that huge great big enormous problem that has no solution. You want sex. He doesn't. Would you like to live the rest of your life like this? I wouldn't for one bloody minute. Leave him or buy a vibrator and a lifetime supply of batteries.

[smackie9]

You are not compatable so what the hell are you doing wasting your bloody time with him? Get your head out of your ass and see it for what it is. We can't make him want more sex, so your only other choice is to dump his ass and find a guy that want you romp your rack every night, and likes to kiss you and hold hand in public. If you marry this guy you will end up cheating on him anyways so why not just put this relationship out of it's misery. For all you know he could be a closet gay.

[smackie9]

The only alternative is for you to get him to seek out a sex therapist and see if things improve, but until then DO NOT GET MARRIED! Not until this gets 100% fixed.

[TeeJay19]

Yeah, I agree with the others. It seems like kind of a shame to end a relationship when everything else about it is so great, but this is obviously something that's bothering you and if he's not willing to do anything to fix it then you'll probably be happier with someone you're more sexually compatible with.

That being said, I would try counseling or get him to see a sex therapist first before you just break it off. However, based on what you've said I don't like the chances of things improving so you should prepare yourself for a potential break-up

[haxan]

You're probably just not his type sexually (doesn't matter so much how you look), but he enjoys other things with you. A relationship is a variety of things that you can hit it off, or not hit it off, in. You're not going to have a satisfying sex life, it's up to you if you can live long term with that or not. There's no advice anyone can give you.

[HeartIsAching]

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say the other responders aren't necessarily wrong (in fact they're probably right) but if you really want to make a go of it, you have some thinking to do:

First, realize that you CANNOT change his libido, nor he yours. Nagging or whining at him about it will only make it worse.

If the rest of the relationship is as fantastic as you say, you need to decide if you can live with infrequent sex. If you can't, then it's time to walk away... and by that I mean it's time to walk away right now, because the longer you stay, the harder the break will be.

The worst thing you can do is decide that you CAN live with it, and then change your mind. If you change your mind and walk sometime in the future, it'll hurt both of you more... if you change your mind and cheat in the future, no matter how good the relationship is, it'll get ugly.

The libido thing you simply can't change - but you might be able to work out a compromise on the hand-holding/public affection thing. Have you actually talked to him about it, or have you just hinted around and expected him to know what you're talking about?

About the HSV2 - it's a myth that it can't be transmitted when there's no outbreak. The virus is present in his body 100% of the time... and there's about an 80% likelihood that it's present in yours or anybody else's, as well.