Confused... still seeing an ex after 4 years

[lizzylu]

Ok, so I really could use some guy advice on this one. I have stayed in contact with an ex of mine ever since I broke up with him over 4 years ago. We had been together for about 3 years, but there were a lot of issues, things I was not happy about and I ended up pretty much pushing him away. I started dating someone new right away and I know my ex obv. had a hard time with it... felt like I left him for someone else.

A year after we broke up, we got together, hung out, ended up sleeping together and he thought I wanted to get back with him. At the time, I didn't. Really long story short, we have been back and forth with emails, he always contacts me on my birthday... was always telling me when he was dating someone new or breaking up with someone. He would suggest getting together for dinner or drinks... we would have a great time together, would end up sleeping together and then it would all change. I started to think maybe there was something more to it.. but every time I brought it up, he said he let me go along time ago... we have fun, history, but he can't see himself jumping into something with me. Time passes and it all happens again. While we are together, he always mentions we would still be together if I did not break up with him and makes so many comments about being with me. Recently, we were seeing each other more frequently, just hanging out and then it just stopped. WTF is going on?

Keep in mind this has happened while he was with someone, in between relationships, etc. and same for me. So what is his deal? I am really exhausted with all of this, but don't know if I should try and talk to him about it. Is this just a sure thing booty call or is there something more to it? Help, please... I need to figure this out.

[confusedsoul]

fb.. it sometimes stands for facebook too, but u know am not talking bout that

thats the answer to what it is, in one word.. ok two!

If you want more psychobabble here it is: You guys have been together, you go back a long way, he can be comfortable with you (i suppose likewise for u). He can tell you what girl he is dating, why they broke up, why life sucks at times and blah blah. Also it helps that he doesnt hate you for breaking up (and viceversa) or anything. So there is some connection + all that comfort, makes it easy for both of you to get in bed oncewhile. And absolutely nothing wrong with it. Dont try to overanalyze it, you say this going on for 4 years, so its not just him, if you wanted to do something more concrete with this person you would stopped him and had the conversation, atleast maybe year and half ago. So you both know on some level, that the chances for something bigger are slim. I think more than talking to this guy (which supposed you have tried, but maybe not hard enough. And you should know, when a girl wants to TALK, she gets it no matter what!) you can have little time to yourself and reflect if you want this to happen over and over again or you want to move on. There are greener pastures all around But its all upto u and nothing wrong with what you decide!

[lizzylu]

Thanks for your insight... I guess what you said is kind of what I have known all along... but something in me wanted to stay blind to it... looking for other reasons. I needed to hear it from someone else. I have been trying to make it into something it is not and is not gong to be. I know he likes the fact we can talk, hang, out, etc. so more or less it is a comfort thing for him and yes, for me because I do like it too. It is so hard to stay detached in this especially when we have a history. So FB with history is not ideal and I have learned that.

I am queen of overanalyzing, but what girl isn't. When I think about the times I have tried to talk to him about it... well, it pretty much played out the same way and I never could get much from him. The conversations would always make me feel pathetic... he always would act like I was begging him to get back with me or crazy for thinking there was more there. So just the fact that he does not want to take the conversation farther gives me my answer on his motives.

Where I am now,is I don't want to continue this... it does not feel right to me. I thought I could handle it, but I end up feeling crapy after despite having a good time with him. The aftermath tells me I need to cut it off.

The hardest part is I know he will come back into the picture at some point, reappear and I don't want to find myself tempted to indulge. Do you think it would be a positive to at least tell him that this is not for me anymore? I think in order for me to move on (really move on in every sense)... the sleep overs, the contact all has to stop and he needs to know that too. But maybe silence would speak louder than words.

Sorry for rambling, but thanks again!

[Primo]

You're just taking the back 'n forth game to an even greater length and less productive level than everyone else.

He's using you and you're weak. I'm guessing it'll go on and on until he falls in love with someone and doesn't find it amusing to tempt you anymore. It'll happen.

[YT4lyfe]

he wants you and doesn't want to admit to it due to fear of sounding pathetic. so he turns the tables and tries to make you sound like the pathetic one that wants him.

he's not too good at handling defeat is he?

i think you should try to sit him down and have a last attempt to have a serious conversation about his true motives. if he still pulls the usual cards, **** him. sorry to be so blunt but being nice is not always the nicest thing to be. (in the long term)

[lizzylu]

Well, he certainly has done a good job at turning the tables and making me feel pathetic. His pride, ego, whatever you want to call it plays a big role. The classic I left him so now he enjoys the idea of me still being attracted to him... liking him... then I bring it up and he shoves it in my face. I can see (like what Primo said) that he does find it amusing or redeming in some way.

I am just tired of going around in circles with him especially for as long as we have been. Yet, I still get pulled back in. I guess I can try talking to him, if nothing else I will be able to get out what I need to.

[Primo]

lizzy, go out and find a hot guy !!! There's more than 1 you know :-)

[lizzylu]

Very, very true! I have to stop torturing myself and get out there! Thanks for the pep talk!

[Bumble_bee]

You're just taking the back 'n forth game to an even greater length and less productive level than everyone else.

He's using you and you're weak. I'm guessing it'll go on and on until he falls in love with someone and doesn't find it amusing to tempt you anymore. It'll happen.

now now Primo, it takes 2 to tango...

you guys havn't been 'exclusive' for 4 yrs...so you couldn't have expected this to last, the exclusive one between you both didn't.....

[Canine]

he wants you and doesn't want to admit to it due to fear of sounding pathetic. so he turns the tables and tries to make you sound like the pathetic one that wants him.

he's not too good at handling defeat is he?

i think you should try to sit him down and have a last attempt to have a serious conversation about his true motives. if he still pulls the usual cards, **** him. sorry to be so blunt but being nice is not always the nicest thing to be. (in the long term)

This is my first post!! lol..^^^^ i think your wrong. Why? because the majority of these cases prove so, thats why its called..."one night stands," "booty calls," and etc.. The way to judge a man or anyone for that matter is based on character, actions, and motives. It's clear that all this guy wants from this relationship is sex. Sure you may hang out a few times during the week, go out to the bar for a couple of drinks, and have a few good conversations, but when it comes to building something that is permanent or actually is suppose to hold some type of substance.. he shies away. By these actions alone it shows that you being the person he calls his own.. "girlfriend, Love, wife, or baby," is not in the picture. The solution is clear. Bag him, and trash him. He is not worth the time, breath, or thought of mind. If he is not willing to commit to a relationship that is more than just physical pleasures then you don't need a man like that nor want, because it will only lead to lifetime of pain and regret.

[Primo]

Very, very true! I have to stop torturing myself and get out there! Thanks for the pep talk!

No problem hun, nice font selection by the way :-)

[lizzylu]

thanks, my personal favorite.

[lizzylu]

Well, Canine thanks for making me your first post. Sometimes as clear as things may seem to others, when you are in the situation it is hard to see the reality of it... even if it is staring you in the face time after time. This has been like a bad habit, not good for me and hard to quit. Thanks for your input... I know I have to start thinking of "me" and let him go... for good.

[lizzylu]

Well, just an update to my situation. I decided to try and leave things alone, but the other night something happened. My ex stopped by and I let him in. We were hanging out... he was being his usual charming self. I knew I had to say something to him but I never seem to be able to be assertive like I should so I downed a little liquid courage aka absolute and sprite. He eventually made his move to kiss me, etc. I lost it... I could not take it anymore. I told him how all of this made me feel and how I could not do it anymore. In the middle, he leaves... well, I was running on pure adrenaline at that point so I asked him to come back. I was calm about it and not yelling. I just wanted to talk. He pretty much stood there and kept saying we could talk another time b/c it was late and he had to get up early. Well, it was my time to get it all out so I kept going. All I got from him was him saying we should not have sex for a while and it what I was saying was a lot to take in and think about. He then walked out on me. So, thanks for all your advice... you were right and I should have trusted my instincts rather than giving him the benefit of the doubt for all these years.

[Primo]

Good for you lizz...baby steps. You'll get there, now go out this weekend and flirt a little bit, maybe snag a number or 2