is it wrong to hate my fiancee's ex wife?

[dyno31225]

Here's the scoop. My fiancee's ex-wife is a total b&&ch.... she always threatens him and say that she would call the police if he ever get near their 3 kids, even though its his days to see them. She does that everytime she doesnt get her way. She's only nice to him when she needs or wants to go out with her friends. she always message him on his phone saying he's a bad father when he's then one that's taking care of his kids. He pays child support and she refuses to work. She supposedly got her certificate as a certified nurses assistant but doesn't want to look for work. she told him and me that she's going to wait til the divorce hearing and get spousal support so she can live off that and the child support. she is just so lazy..... during the 7 years that they been together she never worked.... the longest she held a job was 3 months and quit cause she said she hated the boss. but what me and him were saying is that when you have kids, especially 3, you need some kind of income coming in. Nobody likes their job but you have to do what you have to do. She also calls me a b&&ch a whore when i just leave her alone. She always says that she hopes that me and him suffer and our future kids that we have together.

So is it wrong to hate her or what???!!!

[VincenzoG91]

It's probably normal, but you might be happier to take the higher ground. Don't let her negativity take up space in your thoughts.

[dyno31225]

thanks.... yeah... i do try to not let it take space in my thoughts too much. before it used to drive me crazy! but now, i just try to live with it, knowing that she probably feels the same way. I just want her to stop messaging him on his phone and calling the house nagging all the time. argh!!

[vashti]

If she has 3 kids, it isn't worth leaving them to work as a CNA. Childcare costs would eat up her entire salary. They make crap wages.

Also, if she has been home taking care of 3 kids, she WAS working, and probably a good deal harder than you.

How old are you, anyway?

[dyno31225]

If she has 3 kids, it isn't worth leaving them to work as a CNA. Childcare costs would eat up her entire salary. They make crap wages.

Also, if she has been home taking care of 3 kids, she WAS working, and probably a good deal harder than you.

wages are wages. she lives with her parents and her sister. There is somebody to look after the kids while she's a work. my fiancee doesn't even have a great paying job and he's trying his hardest to make ends meet for his kids and its always been like that when they were married. she only kept a job for only 3 months during the 7 years they been together.

and as for worker harder a good deal than me..... i know what hard work is. I work in the mornings, plus take care of my 2 kids and my grandma that cannot see and losing her hearing, also going to school at night. but its the sacrifices that i made to make sure that my kids are ok. she told both of us that she's going to fight for spousal support and live off of that and the child support.

Im 27 and i know my priorities. shes 34 and all she wants is to go out with her friends. so how is she considered working when she's barely with the kids? and he takes care of his kids more than she does. during his marriage he would come home and take care of his kids after work. he asked her to work nights and she refused and said that he's the man and he needs to make the money for the family.

[vashti]

It isn't her parent's or sister's job to watch her children.

Also, I would rather see your boyfriend spend his money on HIS kids than yours.

If you are so upset about the current arrangement, I think you should find a man who doesn't have any baggage, because these kids and their mother aren't going away any time soon, and if you spend your time hating these children's mother, you will poison the household and cause a lot of strife, and those kids will hate you, and their dad will be miserable.

[dyno31225]

hahaha.... funny cause my kids are his kids! i don't care about the arrangement or anything, you need to understand. what you need to understand is that she's the one thats leaving us messages and threatening us when we just leave her alone. i love his other kids and we spend lots of time together. she's the one that's harrassing us every other day.... so you think i shouldn't hate her... wow

[vashti]

No, you shouldn't hate her. It takes too much energy and hurts everyone around you.

I will tell you what I did - I was actually friendly to the ex-wife (and no, I didn't really like her either). The kids really appreciated it.

[dyno31225]

well i did try to make nice with her but she's the one thats yelling at me in front of her kids telling me "get the f### out b***! we don't want you in our lives!" the kids were crying and i had to comfort them and tell them that its ok. i never blew up with her... never! im trying to make everything seem ok between me and her in front of her kids because i know how hard it is for them knowing that their parents are no longer together. i just hate it when she does that in front of her kids.... its just so wrong....

i try now to stay away from her as much as possible.... i really do want to get along with her but she doesn't..... i just want her to stop making harassing calls and messages and stop yelling at my fiancee in front of the kids and saying he's useless and he's a piece of sh%%.... that's all i want

[vashti]

Did he leave her for you?

[dyno31225]

no... he left cause she cheated on him with one of his friends and whom i knew too. and when i got with him... he was legally separated and 2 months before his divorce was final.

[IndiReloaded]

Wow, that's a lot of drama. Poor kids, all of them. Are you also divorced?

Anyway, I agree with Vash. There isn't much %age for anyone to decide to actively hate her. My vote would be a mix of compassion and indifference. The former for his kids sake, and the latter for your sanity.

Good luck.

[SirWagginston]

If I was your fiance or a mutual male friend, I would hate that bitch, too, to be honest. It sounds like she has absolutely no redeeming qualities. She wants to leech on your fiance for the rest of your life, and she can't even use "oh, I'm a house-wife" as an excuse, because you said your fiance watches the kids more than she does. Otherwise, how the Hell would she have all this time to be going out with friends, when she has three children? It doesn't sound like she even cares about them that much, if she's willing to raise her voice and swear in front of them, to the point that they start crying... and then when they do, it's you, not their mother, that has to console them. She doesn't even have a reason to be pissed off; it her that decided to jeopardize her family by sleeping around.

Although there's nothing wrong with hating such an unlikeable person, as previous posters have said, you can't let those feelings get the best of you. The children in your life see enough aggression as it is. Be an angel to them, and they will come to love you, because kids need mature adult-figures--the kind that radiate positive energy, and make them feel secure. You can't let them see that you are bothered. Discuss your feelings with your fiance, and if you refrain from being accusatory with him and maintain a productive attitude, he should understand. Maybe you two can channel that hatred into fighting her child support claims. It's obvious that what she really wants is "personal support"--child support isn't for her to live off of, it's for her children. Make the court realize that she's trying to abuse the system. Record how she speaks in front of her children, if need be. I'm sure an impartial observer would be horrified.

[vashti]

All I know is that I deal with a LOT of people in my line of work, and unless someone is severely mentally ill, they will respond to civility. I don't believe we are getting the whole story here.

[Doc Durian]

All I know is that I deal with a LOT of people in my line of work, and unless someone is severely mentally ill, they will respond to civility. I don't believe we are getting the whole story here.

Unless they have an alterior motive...