How to cope with boyfriend having children...

[mtinlove]

I am a 24 year old college student who never dated much after 18 (when it really impacts your life) and I fell for a man who has 2 children. One child is in his life, the other is not. Long stories on both, anywho he is older than I am. My question is to any women who are with a man who has a child with another woman and does not have children of their own.... Are there any steps I can take to make this somewhat easier? I blew my boyfriend off for months before we started dating because he had children.... But somehow he grew on me and I could not let go...so here I am. I never wanted to be with someone who had children but that didnt happen, I dont know if its okay to feel upset from time to time, not at his children and not at him, just at the fact that giving him his first child is out the window. Does it get easier as time goes by or am I in for a heartache in the long run?

[vashti]

I will be brutally honest with you: don't do this. It never really gets easier - you just trade one problem for another as they get older. Any efforts you make will likely go unnoticed, and every mistake you make will be scrutinized and criticized. You are too young for this responsibility, and your first experience with chid raising should be with your own kids, because you will love them even when they aren't perfect, and they will teach you patience, which is vital for dealing with other people's children. Dealing with other people's children requires about 10x the amount of patience you will need for your own kids, because children from broken homes often have a lot of justifiable anger to deal with, and therefore are more prone to problematic behavior.

And yeah - I've been in your shoes, exactly.

[mtinlove]

Thanks. I have handled it for a year so far. Finally told my boyfriend exactly what you just said about my efforts going unnoticed. The child in his life does live in a different state which honestly makes it easier for the time being. I dont want to just give up on it honestly because I feel that my strong feelings for him can overcome any more problems I face when it comes to his children. Dont think I dont tell him my feelings tho because I do, and I think him accepting that I am still working on accepting only makes things much better. But I will take your info to heart if it doesnt feel different soon.... Thank you for your honesty

[vashti]

I have been through the whole cycle... and actually, my family would be considered a "success" story, as far as step families go. If you want to talk about it further, you can PM me.

[Cain]

Step families are always difficult. Most step children will never fully accept the step parent.

How old are his children?

[clearskies]

why did u get into this while u knew he has children as long as he didnt hide it from the beginning?

[mtinlove]

i got into it because i fell in love with him, i love spending time with him and i love the way he treats me. His child is 8 and the childs mother has had a boyfriend for years that shes grown up with. everytime i see my boyfriends child there are no problems... I just ocasionally have personal issues with it and want to know if its normal considering we have only been together for 1 yr...i would think it takes a little more time but am i wrong? i want to make it work, so far no issues other than the fact that im still getting used to the reality that my child wont be his first.

[Cain]

I have no experience with this so can't give an opinion based on experience, but I'd assume it'd take time to be fully into it. You're dealing with a child that isn't yours. It's different.

[mtinlove]

I really appreciate everybodys comments. this is a huge thing in my life right now that im trying my hardest to accept. some things have been occuring in my life that is making me think i could be in over my head. hopefully things will come to me soon. sometimes everything in life can bombard us all at once and drive us insane

[vashti]

I'm sorry, my friend, but I have to agree. You are in (way!) over your head. There is no reason you *should* have the resources to cope with this situation: you haven't got the proper life experience yet.

Sometimes, despite our best intentions and love for another person, things just aren't meant to be. It doesn't make you "bad" to know when to call it quits. Besides, don't you think this little girl deserves to have someone in their life who can muster up more enthusiasm for her existence?

[misombra]

you are too young for all that.

[clearskies]

i agree , she deserves much better than that. As a divorced with a kid myself, i dont like being in love with one who have a kid not two.

[bluesummer]

If one of my friends was dating someone with a child, I'd tell them to be very cautious about it still.....and I'm older than you are.

There are key elements to dating a person with a child that a lot of people don't take into account. First of all, the child is PART of the relationship. You have to be able to interract with and care about that child in a way.....they can't be looked at as some sort of 'baggage' to the relationship (that happened with my best friend and her step mom). The child is HIS family, and if you love him, you have to be able to love and respect the child too. That means that if you stayed together and had children, that his previous children are treated with just as much love and respect as the children you have together, because they are FAMILY.

Secondly, his children will always come before you in life, and you need to be okay with that and understand it. You should not compete with his children for attention. These things are a tough situation for someone your age to be in, especially since you don't have children of your own and have no idea what being a parent involves. I sincerely doubt this is going to get 'easier' over time. If you're already feeling upset about it, I dare say that you are in a situation that is beyond your capabilities relationship-wise at this moment......and you should probably find someone who has more in common with you in life.

[clearskies]

i agree on your words bluesummer. You made it clearer to her and to all of us.

[mtinlove]

I am okay with his child coming first... also everybody keeps going back to my age... I have always been more mature for my age. I appreciate everybodys comments but after reading and thinking... I feel that time is always okay to take... I adore his child, I do not think I am a bad person, and I can offer a lot to her and her father. Thank you all tho for your opinions. I am not ending my relationship after a year because of my age or the fact that I do not have children of my own...I do have neices and nephews I babysit all the time and they are like my children. I love him and that means loving everything that comes along with him