Just broke up after 6 years

[SazCam]

Hi - I'm new here!

Just needed a bit of a vent really. I have just broken up with my boyfriend of nearly 6 years. It wasn't a great relationship and it caused a divide in my family. But i thought he would grow up and realise how to treat people with respect and compassion. It never happened. He had bulimia, was sometimes violent, aggressive, an occasional drug user, had an alcohol problem and stopped having sex with me because he thought i was too fat. The thing is, i know a lot of these things were not my fault, but where do i start picking up the pieces and my confidence?

It was a case of me choosing between him and my family. I made the wrong choice and thought because I loved him so much, everything would work itself out. He would never talk about anything though and bottled everything up. I really did try and help with his eating disorder but he would never go to a counsellor or address the reason for it. Basically, I have ended up feeling so useless and unattractive that I can't ever see anyone being interested in me ever again. Any advice or comments are welcome.

I know I sound pathetic but I've got a big chunk missing from my life and I don't know how to fill it. I love life and don't want to feel like this! Thanks.

[IceQueen]

I will try to help you.

What is the one lesson that you've learned from that relationship?

[SazCam]

Mmmm, what did I learn?

That the most outwardly charming people can be completely different behind closed doors.

That I can't save anybody who doesn't want to be saved.

That if you're frightened of someone you should get out of the relationship.

That I can't love someone who lacks compassion and who are hung up on image and money, which I just do not place much importance on.

That I deserve better!

That you should never settle with someone if they never say sorry, never compromise and walk away at the first sign of any trouble.

Oh, I could go on - perhaps it's just all too raw at the moment. I know it's the right thing to do but my heart is still broken.

[IceQueen]

That's not what I wanted to hear, although a lot of the lessons you have listed are very, very valuable.


I expected you to learn that You can not change a person no matter how much you love him.

Change comes from within, not from outside.

NEVER ever should you expect a person in a relationship to CHANGE. If he doesn't coincide with your ideal of a partner, he NEVER WILL, no matter how much love, energy and reason you put into him. (It's like a broken vending machine. No matter how much money you put into it, it'll never give you any goodies. It's broken.)
You should just get rid of a guy like that in the beggining, before you get too attached. "Rescuer" relationships are unhealthy and never work.

Would you agree with what I just said? Does that coincide with what you have learned from this relationship?

[SazCam]

That feels a bit brutal - I didn't know about his bulimia until nearly 3 years into the relationship so initially it wasn't a 'rescuer' relationship.

What kind of person would that make me if i 'got rid' when he told me about his eating disorder? He needed my support and I was more than happy to be there for him.

And there are grey areas - not everything is black and white and it's not always easy to just jump ship from a long-term relationship as soon as you are dissatisfied with an aspect of it.

Icequeen - I agree with what you say about not expecting someone to change. But compromise is a vital part of any relationship and that's all I ever wanted.

[IceQueen]

That feels a bit brutal - I didn't know about his bulimia until nearly 3 years into the relationship so initially it wasn't a 'rescuer' relationship.

Did you know about:
- alcohol problem?
- drugs?
- aggression?
You didn't just try to save him from bulimia, it was all these things.

What kind of person would that make me if i 'got rid' when he told me about his eating disorder?

One that feels betrayed by your SO not being honest with you about something THIS BIG from the very begginning, and totally justified in breaking up with him. He didn't JUST GET IT three years into the relationship, did he? (If he did, it's completely different).

He needed my support and I was more than happy to be there for him.

IMHO, rescuer syndrome. You were flattered more than you were annoyed at him being dishonest about it before. You should watch that in subsequent relationships.

But compromise is a vital part of any relationship and that's all I ever wanted.

I used to think so to. And it works for small things of no consequence, like "what movie are we going to watch" or "do you want chinese or italian." It doesn't work for fundamental things at all. I'm hoping that you please remember that next time you consider entering into a relationship with person who does not completely satisfy you, and think again: because that is the single most important thing that this relationship has taught you.

[SazCam]

Originally posted by IceQueen
Did you know about:
- alcohol problem?
- drugs?
- aggression?
You didn't just try to save him from bulimia, it was all these things.

No - the alcohol problem was progressive from the time of me finding out about the bulimia, I find out about the drugs afterwards and his aggression coincided with the increased use of alcohol. As you said earlier, I didn't realise any of this (God, i was soooo young!) and became attached without knowing what a good relationship was. I am still, even now, in shock from the things he has told me. I think I was unhappy because of my mum's illness and trusted everything he told me when we first met. As each thing fell away and his true self came out, I still couldn't find the strength to leave. I felt like I had no-one else, which is true but not a good enough reason to stay with someone.

I'm hoping that you please remember that next time you consider entering into a relationship with person who does not completely satisfy you, and think again: because that is the single most important thing that this relationship has taught you.

True - but I'm sorry, at this point I am so cut up because human feelings are not cut and dry like that. When did logic ever help someone who is unhappy and aggrieved?!!

[IceQueen]

As each thing fell away and his true self came out,

For the future, I want you to run at the first sign of someone not being completely honest with you. Because, as you now know, otherwise, it's trouble, and you are setting yourself up.

When did logic ever help someone who is unhappy and aggrieved?!!

When that person has a good head on his/her shoulders and a functional self-preservation instinct. Do you? If you do, you must listen to your common sense over your emotions.

I expect everything that you've learned from this relationship to make an impact in the FUTURE, not be your bandaid from heartbreak NOW (but there is a bandaid if you need it, it's in my journal). You just gotta LEARN those things and recognize those patterns, and make the correct decisions when you are ready for a new relationship. Analyze the relationship that has just ended NOW, and tell me what were those exact things that you've done wrong, and that the you that came out of that relationship would have done differently now, like for example:

1) You shouldn't have stayed with him when you realized about alcohol;
2) You shouldn't have let him talk bad about your family (just an example)
continue this list please.
what should you NOT have tolerated?

[SazCam]

Originally posted by IceQueen

When that person has a good head on his/her shoulders and a functional self-preservation instinct. Do you? If you do, you must listen to your common sense over your emotions.

Sorry - I was just being facetious...

Analyze the relationship that has just ended NOW, and tell me what were those exact things that you've done wrong, and that the you that came out of that relationship would have done differently now, like for example:

1) You shouldn't have stayed with him when you realized about alcohol;
2) You shouldn't have let him talk bad about your family (just an example)
continue this list please.
what should you NOT have tolerated? [/B]

3) I should not have tolerated him being physically abusive once let alone all the times that he was
4) I should have left when he made promises he didn't keep - like drinking less, contacting my family to apologise, not become aggressive again etc etc
5) I should not have tolerated his attitude toward me and how he ignored me when we were out with his friends
6) I should not have tolerated being with someone who never made a romantic gesture and made me feel stupid for asking
7) I should not have tolerated all the lies and made excuses for him

It's funny - I have quite strong opinions and think it's so important to treat people well but this all dissolved when I was with him. He never listened because I thought I wasn't worth listening to.

Deep down, I am confident and know I deserve a mutually loving relationship. i just never dealt with my grief and worry over my mum and transferred my looking after her on to looking after him. I need to spend a lot of time finding out what i like again! i withdrew so much from about the age of 14 that i have to re-learn how to make new friends and attracting positive people and certainly NOT the same type of partner again!! I don't want to feel like this again or make the people I love worry about me like they have done. It's taken a while but I am finally free!!!!!!!!!!

[IceQueen]

Ok, I see you wrote a lot of "not tolerated." But HOW would the you now go about "not tolerating" all those things? It's very important to know what you should do in situations like that beforehand, otherwise you are risking getting stuck.

He never listened because I thought I wasn't worth listening to.

If you thought you were worth listening to, you'd dump him three weeks into the relationship, wouldn't you?

I need to spend a lot of time finding out what i like again!

You are so right about this.
You can start here:
1) write down five things that your ideal mate MUST have
2) five things that he must NOT have
3) five things that you are willing to tolerate.

It's taken a while but I am finally free!!!!!!!!!!

I don't think you even need a bandaid, what you need is a cake and a bottle of champaigne to celebrate!
What you wrote in that last paragraph makes me very happy and confident that you'll get what you're looking for: the kind of man who deserves you and values you.

[SazCam]

Thanks icequeen. I think what you wrote got to me mainly because it was too close to home.

I have just made those lists and will learn to keep to them.

The only way I can ever come to the point of 'not tolerating' all those things i wrote on that list is through being on my own and learning to do things for myself. I don't want to get into a relationship again for a good while and am looking forward to cracking open that champagne and giving myself time and space to re-discover myself (that sounds so glib but i do mean it!)

[IceQueen]

You are very much on the right path. Good luck!