I believe I'm just messed up

[The Jew]

OK, here's the history to explain why (I think) I am where I am today.

Back in '02, I met a woman and started dating her. Because of a really helpful work schedule at the time, we immediately started spending almost every night together. Sometimes just up until 4am doing nothing, sometimes getting hotel rooms. At the time I live with my parents still. This woman was a 10, and me being the ugly kid I was at the time was just happy to have a trophy.

Well several weeks into our relationship, she had a death in the family and I learned that she wasn't 22 like she said, but was 28. She had two kids and was recently separated. Me being the fool I was wanted to try to get past it. For the next two years, I stayed in a relationship in which she was incredibly emotionally and verbally abusive. There was her cheating, her leaving her job as a nurse to be a stripper, the other guys. I never let go. I went nuts. I probably should have been institutionalized.

Eventually I rid myself of her, but I have never been the same to women since then.

I have become the verbally abusive a**hole. I haven't been able to keep a woman for more than 2-3 months.

One of any number of things happen:

1) I just sleep with them within the first few dates and toss them.

2) I don't get interested and toss them.

or

3) Instant attachment resulting in her being all set. If I like a woman, I tend to know pretty quickly. After a few dates, if I'm still feeling it, I obnoxiously turn up the heat. It pushes them away. I'll text and text and call and text. I don't get the hint when their responses slow or stop, so I kick it up some more, questioning them like they're my girlfriend of a year. "Why didn't you get back to me", that sort of bla bla bla stuff.

or

4) Problem Situation A: Attachment then an explosion. I'll start dating a woman and somehow not scare her away with my quick ramping up of attention, affection, etc.. But after a few months, as a result of insecurities of being cheated on that I picked up from the 2002 girl I spoke of earlier, I'll start getting into a wicked jealous personality. All it takes is one drunken night and I'm on the phone beating her up verbally for nothing. I'll just get something in my mind that she's doing something with someone else and I'll lose it. I won't even have a single, articulable fact to back up how I feel. All it takes is a single mention of a guy friend or something to get my mind racing wildly. I'll have no problem calling her an "ignorant, cheating whore", bla bla bla..

I HATE who I have become.

So, I started dating a woman recently. We met through a mutual friend. It wasn't a "hook-up", but simply happen to meet during a social event. After the day we met, we began daily fun chats via text. Eventually I asked her out, and we've been on a few dates since. First time was to a day-long cookout with coworkers then out to a bar with some of them until closing. 12-hour first date. Not bad I guess. Made out several times, she was grinding on me at the bar. She was into me. A few days later we grabbed dinner and again, all night I get great positive indicators from her. The next day she goes on vacation for two weeks, returning this past Wednesday. Every day she was gone we texted, she called almost every day to talk. Seems like shes into me. Friday night we went to dinner. Again, all night positive indicators. Saturday she was going to come with me to a friend's cookout, but got held up with family then with a friend visiting from out of state. Sunday she asked me to watch the soccer game with her, but I declined because she was going to be with my friend's ex-girlfriend, and being a recent UGLY breakup I didn't want to get in the middle of anything. She wasn't thrilled, but said she understood and we made plans to watch a movie after. She ended up canceling because she "didn't feel well". I didn't believe that.

When I talked to her on Monday, I suggested we grab dinner on Wednesday. She said maybe, she'd get back to me. When I spoke to her yesterday (Tuesday), she indicated she remembered she already had plans, and in fact had plans all the way through Sunday (which I know to be true through our mutual friend). No prob. Again, while talking to her Tuesday, she acted very into me, saying she liked me and wanted to see me and wish she had the time this week. OK, cool.

So when we get off the phone, I think about some of the things she said and realize this girl is probably a keeper. So I send her a text message saying "So, you know I'm totally into you, right"? Well, she doesnt respond. Two hours later I toss her another txt with "No response? Well don't get shy on me now... It's too late for that". She doesn't reply. When I go to bed I just toss her another txt with "Nite". I wake up to no reply from her.

I called her when I got out of work, but she had to hang up because she was still working. She called back and seemed to be the same girl that was into me by her mood, voice, etc.. Then she went on to say that in fact my message did intimidate her and make her shy, she wants to slow things down, and "I talk to you more than anyone else". I apologized for the "intimidation" and told her I didn't want her to be shy, and tried to down-play my message. She just reiterated that she wanted to slow things down. I ended the phone conversation with "well, since we talk too much I'll let you go". She just said "ok, bye" and hung up. Now, I thought about it this afternoon and looked back at my text history. She initiated convo on all but two our of the 14 days she was on vacation. I *think* I was just following her lead, thinking she was really into me.

Now I've got that damn feeling in my chest like I always do at this point when dating a woman where I don't know what's up, where I SHOULD think things are fine but can't help but convince myself that thing's are screwed up and ending. These thoughts simply consume my mind! And even if they were ending, it's been THREE dates! Why should I care? Why do I get attached??

I don't like who I've become. I don't like the way I've treated women. And I don't like getting like I am right now over women I've been out with three times.

What do I do???

What do I do about myself? I'm not so much worried about her as I am how I am to all / with all women.

[vashti]

You need to keep your dates shorter. 12 hour first dates are WAY too long. Leave them wanting a little more!

Other than that, a lot of what you describe sounds like typical dating stuff.... not everyone is going to connect well after a first date.

You might want to think about losing the text messaging all together, and telephoning only to set up dates. Grown women tend to dislike text messages, and it makes one feel they are spending more time with someone than they really are.

[PrincessPolka]

Woah man, you remember every detail! I've had my own problems, and honestly, talking about them really helps a lot. That lady in your past hurt you and you're still not over it. You were young and it sounds like that was your first experience with love. But you have to remember that not all girls are "cheating whores." There were things wrong with that lady you dated, and not you. You seem like an okay guy who has just had a rough time. Calm down a little. Keep yourself in check. And start slow if you have to. Don't expect every girl to be "the one" but if you know a particular girl isn't, treat her nicely and let her down gently.
Also 12 hour dates? That is pretty long! Also, try not to have dates and hang out too much in bars/with alcohol. I am not saying you are some alcoholic, but it can only lead to trouble, and you will have less control.
Seriously though, just chill out.

[Gigabitch]

I concur that you're just messed up. If you don't want to be this guy any more, knock it off. You're not a slave to your own issues. Take control. Take charge.

[girl68]

If you act like a raging idiot when you're drunk- STOP DRINKING.

[The Jew]

Oh, I can be the same raging idiot sober. Once I get it in my mind that she's up to no good, there's no getting it out of my mind. It happens with every woman I date.

The 12hr thing was very different from the usual, but it worked out really good this time. The next day she had called asking when we were going back out.

I like the point of view that the texting makes her feel like spending more time together than we were. Great advice.

Regarding "Take control. Take charge." I can't just tell myself to trust the women. It's deeper than just a conscious decision.

[Sonrisa]

trolling i see...

[The Jew]

I certainly didn't spend an hour typing that to "troll" around.

[Gigabitch]

Regarding "Take control. Take charge." I can't just tell myself to trust the women. It's deeper than just a conscious decision.

No, I'm talking about your own behavior. Just because you have trust issues doesn't mean you have to act like a jerk and you know it. You set yourself up for failure every time.

[Raze]

The fact that you are sleeping around indicates that there's something going on with you that's not right. What stood out to me in your post was the fact that you "toss them." I don't think you have a lot of respect for women. Sometimes, it's hard to respect people after they cheat on you, but not everyone is like that. There are some people out there who are good. I'd say that the majority of people suck... it's true. But that's not everyone. There are still people out there who have good intentions. You just have to keep searching.

[The Jew]

I will admit that I do not have an absolute, limitless respect for women. I do treat the ladies with respect until I decide it's over or hit that inevitable moment. I am very questioning of things in my mind the entire time though.

[hurt_confuzd]

Sorry, but I don't see the problem.

Let me reiterate how I see the situation: you're going out with women, banging them after a few dates, and then getting rid of them. You seem to not have the greatest respect for women.

This is flawless. Keep up the good work until some asshole female puts your nuts in a goddamn vice and convinces you that you need to get "married" like every other faggot husband out there. (Except Giga's husband. He's a total badass.)

[The Jew]

Haha. If it were the "Ok, I hit it. On to the next challenge I go," I certainly wouldn't be worried about it.

I can't sustain a relationship with the women I want to do such with, and that's my problem.