My ex seems to be having a hard time moving on, is there anything I can do?

[mafj99]

Hello again,

Well it has been a month since I broke up with my ex, I have not been doing too bad myself. Been keeping busy, going out with friends, working, etc. I have had my moments when I have felt low but after the lead up to the breakup which was coming if I am honest since mid-feb after a huge fight and her hardly talking to me.

Anyway this was the 2nd time we broke up and things didn't change from last time we broke up so after much soul searching (and advice from friends and this forum) I made up my mind not to get back with her this time as I couldn't see things changing this time if they didn't last time and a few months down the line I would end up back in the same situation as we nearly broke up mid-feb last year for similar reasons but didn't.

So one month one, I am doing ok considering but she isn't doing so well. I keep hearing from her and at the weekend I got a series of apologies and a drunken phone call which i didn't take but got voice-mail. I get the feeling that she isn't handling the breakup very well but I don't know what to do.

I got a call yesterday from her which I took, foolishly maybe but I wanted to confirm her address as I have had a couple of letters come for her and wanted to let her know to change her mailing address and also confirm her new address for where she is living now. Well it may not have been a good idea to take the call in retrospect, things stared out fine with her asking me how I was doing, etc. She seemed quite happy so I thought that to be a good thing and maybe she was starting to sort things out, then she asked what I was up to later on this week as her friend boyfriend was coming up for the night and she wanted to give them the house to themselves.

Now I have no idea what she was intending from this, I am assuming she was planning to stay overnight with me which seems like a really bad idea. Either way I am busy the day she is wanting to come over, I have already made plans, not going on a date just meeting up a a bands lock-up to have a jam with them as I got speaking to them down the pub the other night. Well she got in a bit of a huff with me an stopped talking then basically got me to go.

Now I did get an apology for that later but at the same time, despite the fact that she keeps telling me that she doesn't want to loose me and she wants to change this shows that hasn't happened. As I couldn't fit her schedule and turned down meeting up with her she has got in a mood with me and also as her friend is busy she has to time to come and see me.

Clearly she doesn't want to let me go and wants me to take her back, I did doubt my decision a couple of times though with yesterdays fiasco it has reassured me slightly that I am doing the right thing with not getting back with her as things won't have changed.

What I do want to know is what can I do to try and get her to understand that at this moment in time I can't see a relationship working between us, I need some time apart to get my head clear and I think she should do the same. She says she knows that she needs to let me go but at the moment she is still clinging on and it is making it very hard for me as I keep questioning if I have done the right thing.

S

[xxazurexx]

What I do want to know is what can I do to try and get her to understand that at this moment in time I can't see a relationship working between us,....

So long as you picking up and talking to her, she will continue to hound you.

If you were not afraid to end things, why be afraid to tell her straight and that you can't see the relationship working at this time?

If after this she still continues to call, then try changing your number

If you are 'that' desperate for her to stop calling you, it's something you would do.

[mafj99]

So long as you picking up and talking to her, she will continue to hound you.

If you were not afraid to end things, why be afraid to tell her straight and that you can't see the relationship working at this time?

If after this she still continues to call, then try changing your number

If you are 'that' desperate for her to stop calling you, it's something you would do.

Firstly, I have told her that I can't see a relationship working between us at this time and she came to me with the intention of ending it and I said that I agreed for the same reasons, as I did. She understands that, or at least says she does and realises it is not healthy to keep trying to call me, leaving me messages, etc.

Secondly, I only answered the call as I got in contact with her about forwarding on some mail to her and she called back, didn't know what the conversation was going to move to.

Thirdly and finally, I can't change my number and I didn't write the post saying that I was desperate for her to stop calling me, I wanted to know if there is anything I can do to get her to realise that we did the right thing breaking up as things were not right and to start moving on herself. I don't want to hurt her and just tell her to go away and leave me alone, she doesn't deserve that from me.

S

[xxazurexx]

Sometimes it takes telling someone to just go away and leave you alone and before the message sinks in.
Especially if you have already spoken to them umpteen times about how you feel and they take no notice.

I've been in this situation and with someone who wouldn't stop calling me. Despite the fact I told him I wanted to move on, that he should to, he wouldn't quit calling. In the end I had no option but to ignore his calls and texts, which is something I didn't want to do but he left me no choice. Call me a hard hearted bitch, but I had to do what was right for ME.

You have to be firm with her and mean what you say. It's no good saying that you cannot see a relationship working at this time and requesting space, then the next night have her arrange to come over and she wants to stay the night. Allowing her to stay would be giving her 'mixed messages'.

[cmacattack1]

She's looking for any way to bail herself out of this situation and is trying to play upon the feelings you have, or used to have for her as a way to leapfrog back in. It's pretty obvious that she is confused and not really learning much, nor will she if she continues to keep in touch with you. Just look at what she is doing, calling, apologizing, calling, leaving drunken messages. I can't imagine it being very attractive for you, it's just pushing you away even if you feel bad. You don't have to yell at her or whatever, but you have to politely remind her that you need space on your own. I would even go as far as to say that what she is doing is pushing you away, although I doubt she will listen if she's too caught up in her own needs right now. If she keeps doing it, you just stop answering. If it's a number you don't recognize, let it go to voice mail. If it's important, they will leave a message.

I know she's only concerned with herself because if she had somebody else, you better believe you wouldn't hear from her. And if she was learning, she'd realize that what she is doing in calling you and stuff like that is not right. I'd say maybe you can suggest going on a forum like this, and I'm sure people could help her out. If only you weren't on here, heh.

[mafj99]

It's true, if she had somebody else then I doubt I would hear from her. I was not overly happy with her sulking with me for not being free on an evening she had nothing ot do and wants to get out of the house, again to give her friend some time with her boyfriend. It is back to square one with that and is one of the reasons we broke up as I used to only really see her when her friend was busy.

I haven't heard from her today which is a good thing and would imply that she doesn't want anything and hopefully it is sinking in that she needs to give me some space like I have asked and like she keeps apologising for not doing.

I have been getting frustrated with the calls as it was nice for the first couple of weeks as I didn't hear from her and I started to get my head in a good place, that kind of got undone with all the calls and messages but I keep reminding myself why I wasn't happy to make sure that I don't cave and go back in the hope that it will all fix itself this time.

Thank you both for the advice, it has reassured me that I am still doing the right thing.

S