How do I start trusting my boyfriend again?

[Abby]

Hey Guys,
My name is Abby and I'm new to this forum. I just need some advice. About 6 months ago, I decided to take back a guy who had cheated on me. We had been together for a little over a year when he cheated on me. When he told me of his infidelity, I let him go immediately. I like to think of myself as a pretty strong person and I refuse to let anyone treat me like that. That happened last summer. In October, after a couple of months of fighting, heartbreak, and lots of tears, we got back together. I decided to take him back because I ultimately did love him. He had never done anything like this before and I knew hw was genuine in his apology. My boyfriend's not a "dog" or a "player". Yes, he cheated on me, but I'd like to think we're above that.

So, the months went by and and holidays were nice. It was nice to be back together. Everything seemed back to order. But, lately, I've noticed this bug slowly creeping up in my mind. I've named it the suspicion bug because that's how I've been feeling. I never knew the girl he cheated on me with. I've heard some pretty horrible things about her, but I've never met her. From my biased assumption, she's socially on the bottom of the food chain. She's from the other side of town, if you know what I mean. But, she's one of those girls that seduces guys with baby-girl tactics. She feeds off guys' vulnerabilities. Ladies, you know what kind of girl I'm talking about.

I'll quit talking crap and get to the bottom of my problem. My problem is, I'm starting to suspect my boyfriend. I'm not suspecting that he's secretly seeing her behind my back, or that he's seeing anyone else. But I just have suspicions. Of what? I don't know. But, I'm feeling anxious and worried and I can't target where these feeling are coming from. It's almost as if I don't trust him and I hate feeling this way. I'm starting to doubt everything he says to me, thinking that he has another motive. I don't know why I feel this way, maybe in the back of my mind, I do think he's cheating on me again. Though, I know in my heart that he isn't. He's a good person who made one mistake. How do I stop feeling this way? I can't confront him because we'll just end up fighting. But, I feel like I've become obsessed with his past actions. If he's let them go then why can't I? Does anybody know of a way to get over this suspicious feeling?

[peshkunta]

Many people will tell you, "Once a cheater - always a cheater."
There must be truth to this. Once you do something that feels good (even if it's unapropriate) you are likely to do it again.

And normally a gut feeling is right. I think that the "gut feeling" that people get is from information aquired subconsciously or in some thelepathic way.

Look for clues. If he doesn't seem as interested in you when you are intimate, spends less time, seems anxious.

If I were you, though, I don't think that I would have taken him back. The fact that he cheated shows that you are not all he wants - which must sudgest that he desn't recieve enough from you...be it love or physical.

Find someone that would put you on a pedestal and treat you like you are the only woman in this world.

I know, when I'm in love with a girl, I can't look at any other girl. I'm not interested at all. And no matter how good-looking the other woman is, for some reason I still physically see the girl that I'm in love with as the better looking.

[Zekk_T_Strife]

I'm very similar pesh, but you have to understand that guys that will do that are very rare. Guys that have any concept of what love is or how to go about a relationship are uncommon enough, let alone guys with the sense enough to see the angels in front of them. I don't blame her for taking him back. The whole "once a cheater always a cheater" isn't an end all be all saying to define bad people who can't change. This guy seems like a nice guy who made a mistake. If he was your typical cheater he wouldn't have gone to her and told her he cheated on her. That takes a bigger man than your typical player. To be totally honest though I have no idea how you could get rid of these feelings of suspicion. Personally I'd just do my best to let them go. It seems to me if he was even thinking about doing something similar he would tell you. If you feel comfortable enough about it then confront him. Don't be hostile but just say that you've been having some weird feelings and need to talk with him about how youre feeling. Bring it up calm and don't pry. He'll tell you everything you need to hear if he's not hiding anything. I hope that helps, good luck.

[Abby]

Zekk- Thank you for your advice. It was very helpful and insightful. I will definitely take what you said, "He'll tell you everything you need to hear if he's not hiding anything." into consideration.

I have my good days and my bad days. I hate that I have suspicions but I'm not going to sulk about that anymore. I need to be more proactive and figure out a way to make those suspicions go away. Sometimes I think my relationship could be ten times better if I wasn't so worried and anxious all the time. The again, I think my relationship would've been ten times better if he hadn't cheated on me. I don't blame him for making me this way. Blaming people and accusations only cause grief and no solutions. I've dedicated myself to focusing on making things better, seeing the brighter side of things, and letting go of the past and moving on.

My boyfriend is not a bad person. Even the worst person in the world would never intentionally hurt someone they love AGAIN. Maybe I'm being optimistic but I'd like to think that people have no desire to screw me over, especially since I think I'm a nice person. Even when we were broken up, he used to say to me how much he messed up and how I was the best girlfriend he could ever wish for. When he cheated on me, we were both away in different countries. I was in Paris, he in London, respectively. We went away for the summer for study abroad trips. He calls it a "drunken summer camp fling-blur" and now refers to the girl as "disgusting". I know they're not in contact anymore. The minute we got back together, he erased her phone number from his phone and I doubt she's tried to contact him. When we returned from our trips, he says he wasn't even dating her exclusively. He was just confused and didn't know what he wanted and was kind of going with the flow. Fast foward two months and he's re-adjusted back to home life and realizes how much he screwed up and wants me back. It took him a while to re-adjust because he's never been away from home for that long. I have been away on long trips before so at first, I couldn't understand why he was having such a hard time getting used to being home.

So, yeah, Peshkunta could be right. He could be out right now cheating on me. But, I'd like to think a man that I've been with for two years and friends with for 6 (We're both 21) is a good man and isn't out to screw me over again. The focus is not on that, but on how I need to get over the bad so I can start enjoying the good. How do I do that? Any advice?

[peshkunta]

Focus on yourself. What happens with people that suffer for other people is that all they see is that person (in various degrees of course) and being so focused on them, once they loose that person it's like they have nothing to live for. You have to understand your value and once you do, you shouldn't be so focused on him. So, he cheats again, so what. It's not the end of the world.

You should also focus on the good things and take those and put them in your memory. We tend to focus more on the bad and don't notice sometimes how much good we have around us.