Am I being nuts?

[MissAnn]

I am sure this is an annoying question…but here it goes, sorry it’s long.

My ex-boyfriend and I were together for about a year and a half. I felt that things were great, we had a lot in common, never fought, great communication, etc. I was really happy because my last relationship had been with a cheating bastard, and I felt I’d finally met someone I could trust.

About 10 months into it I left some clothes at his house after a camping trip. He was nice enough to wash them for me. When I went to pick them up, there was a bra in the clothes pile that wasn’t mine. I questioned him as to where it came from, he said he had no idea, but that maybe his roommate had brought a girl home and her bra had gotten mixed up with my clothes. Later, he said that he thought it may have been his ex girlfriend’s bra that had been left somewhere in his room from when they were still dating. He said his dog could have drug it out, and he assumed it was mine.

I trusted him but due to my past was suspicious. About a week later, we both went out separately for the evening. I was supposed to come back to his house after my girl’s night. We were texting intermittently throughout the evening, but suddenly he stopped returning my texts. I went to his house but the door was locked, and he didn’t answer. He called the next day to say he was sorry, but he had gotten so drunk he had passed out and forgot to leave the door unlocked. Also, about this time he started immediately deleting all incoming texts after reading them. I noticed him doing it and when I asked why he said it kept his mailbox from filling up.

Now, I was REALLY suspicious, and told him as much. He was very hurt and angry that I didn’t trust him and we had our first fight. He swore up and down he would NEVER cheat. I again decided to trust him. Then, about a month ago, he again went out with some friends. I stayed home because I was ill. Throughout the night he kept sending me texts of his whereabouts and who he was with, naming a bunch of his male friends I know. At 2 am he sent a text saying he was home and going to bed.

The next afternoon he called me and we were talking about our plans for that night. He mentioned he didn’t know how late he could stay up because he had slept on the couch the night before and didn’t sleep well. I asked why, and he said he had let an old friend of his, Marie, and her friend, whose name he couldn’t remember (but was also female) crash at his house because they didn’t have a place to stay. I had never met, or even heard him mention a friend named Marie.

I was PISSED that he had women staying at his house, and hadn’t even mentioned this to me the night before. I broke up with him. It has been two months and he is still calling and texting me, heartbroken and saying he NEVER cheated. I miss him, but still feel his behavior was too shady and that I can’t be with someone I don’t trust. He says I am being paranoid due to my prior experience. Am I being crazy? Is his behavior a deal breaker?

[Chupacabras]

You let your insecurities get the better of you. Doesn't sound like he was up to any shenanigans to me.

[starbuck]

He should have told you he had women friends staying at his house beforehand. Especially women you didn't know. If my husband did this while we were dating. I'd not be very happy about it either.

The question is, is this a dealbreaker for you? What does your gut say?

[Gigabitch]

I don't see any evidence of wrongdoing, but the guy seems a little clueless about how to have a relationship with an insecure person. The rules are a little different. Do you think he could learn those rules? If so, I think you should take him back.

I also think that you should insist that he introduce you to his old friend Marie.

[MissAnn]

Oh, I will definitely need to meet his old friend Marie, good adivice.

I don't know if he is able to change. He was married for 7 years, but in many ways seems a little clueless about relationships. Probably why he is not still married I guess.......

My gut says he didn't cheat. But my gut said my ex wasn't cheating either, right up until the time I walked in on him with another woman. Ugh, I thought I was over that, but it seems to still be haunting me.

[Gigabitch]

Well, my husband had to learn a whole new set of behaviors to be with me. I'm a suspicious, insecure bitch. He did it, because he wanted to be with me and wanted to show me that he was trustworthy. It can be done.

I think you should give it a shot. He sounds sincere and the truth is, you'll just have the same problem with the next guy. This is mostly a YOU problem, you know. If this one's willing to work with you, I think you should give him a chance.

[shheadz]

he had slept on the couch the night before and didn’t sleep well. I asked why, and he said he had let an old friend of his, Marie, and her friend, whose name he couldn’t remember (but was also female) crash at his house

He was trying to be honest with you about the women, or else he wouldn't have even brought it. It sounds like he looked for an opening in the conversation to let you know about them, because he didn't want to hide it from you.

Why didn't he tell you about them in the first place? Because he knows you're insecure, and would probably freak out. That doesn't mean he felt any reason to hide them from you.

[kms]

^ My thoughts exactly. He probably didn't tell you the night before because you would have freaked out, he would have been forced to choose between you and them, and he would have been in an awkward, uncomfortable position of trying to tell them that now they can't stay with him, sorry, go sleep in the car or something. They'd probably think you're a psycho jealous bitch and would start bothering him about you or making jokes about it later.... so yeah, he probably thought telling you the next day would be the best way to handle it.

[IndiReloaded]

What's different now that wasn't 2 months ago?

You broke up with him, but now you think you made a mistake. Are you prepared to grovel and beg his forgiveness?

Why is it the guy is being made to be the bad one in this? Either you think he cheated or not. If you think so, then you made the right decision and move on. If not, then you are the one that is insecure and screwed up, not him.

Geezus girls and their Princess Complexes.

[MissAnn]

Yeah, I know, I do feel like I was being a bit of a princess. We have agreed to go out to dinner tomorrow. I really do feel a connection with him, so it may be worth some groveling.

I am insecure, and I am working on this, but I also need to make sure he is prepared to deal with it as well. I still think the bringing home girls thing was not a good idea on his part. And what kind of women are out drinking at a bar not knowing where there are staying that night?

I am not going to accuse him of cheating again though, because I dont' think he did. I am just going to explain that I was hurt but that I really hope we can work this out.

[lilly1185]

The deleting all incoming texts is an issue with me, but I'm an insecure person as well.

When my son's father and I were initially dating, he did this. I snuck out with his phone while he was asleep, and was greeted to a plethora of texts from his ex varying from "I love you, too" to "I thought you were coming by tonight"

I also have a very bizarre sense of intuition.
If, however, you believe it's just you being insecure, and in the very pit of your gut you feel like you can trust him, give it another go.
Just make sure you don't have blinders on.

If, after two months you still feel for him, by all means. Just make it very clear that yes, you have come from a crummy background, and he needs to be more conscious of himself. He doesn't have to walk on egg shells, but things like having women you never met, and he never told you about stay at his house needs to come to a screeching halt.
*pat*
It'll get better, and I can't blame you for wanting a break, at least. It sounds like it gave you some time to separate emotions and facts. At least you weren't suffering through a relationship and stewing about potentials.

[chump4u]

My ex-boyfriend and I were together for about a year and a half. I felt that things were great, we had a lot in common, never fought, great communication, etc. I was really happy because my last relationship had been with a cheating bastard, and I felt I’d finally met someone I could trust...

He says I am being paranoid due to my prior experience. Am I being crazy? Is his behavior a deal breaker?

Years ago I made it a personal rule to avoid anything serious with women who've had cheating and abusive boyfriends. Your story reinforces my belief in that rule.

You seem to have spent most of your latest relationship taking out your anger at being betrayed on a guy who did nothing to deserve it. You brought all the pain of being cheated on with you when you got together with your latest boyfriend. That insured that the relationship could not last, because you spent most of it suspecting, without evidence, that your new boyfriend was a cheat. I expect that your treatment of him reflected that.

Yes, you're probably being crazy. Yes, it's paranoia due to your prior experience-- which you projected onto your latest "ex," and which you'll no doubt project onto your next ex, and the one after that, and after that unless you sort your mind out and realize that the whole world is not to blame for your bad experiences.

[valhensing]

you have to get over being insecure! Even if you're cheated on before!

I know it hurts if you're cheated on and you dont want to be in the same position again but dont let your ex ruins your life. Even if trust will let you walk on on your bf with another girl, it's still a good thing to trust people so that you would have a normal life

[Gigabitch]

If he wants to build trust, though, deleting texts isn't the way to go about it. Transparency is very important. Whether your insecurities are reasonable or not, they exist and they are part of dealing with you. Everybody has baggage. This is yours. Either he can help you with it or he can't, but he can't be a little weasel who hides things. That is the opposite of what you need.

[bluesummer]

I think it was extremely stupid of him to let two women sleep over at his house that you'd never met and then wait until after the fact to tell you. Maybe he didn't cheat, but it was still stupid. I can't think of many women who would be 'okay' with this sort of behaviour. Men either, for that matter.

However, don't let your bad past poison your future. Just because your ex was a jerkoff it doesn't mean every man is. If you really care about this one and think you made a mistake, be honest about your feelings and apologize for jumping the gun. Make an effort to actually trust him. Do make sure that this behaviour isn't repeated though.