Dating Rules

[nomas]

I did a search first and found that at least threads started with the key words "rules" were just a couple and way, WAY old, so I went ahead and started this new one. Besides, they only got a few replies..like 2 or 3...and I wasn't going to do a search on "rules" over entire posts because there would be too many to look through.

Wow..I went off subject before even starting...is this a new record?

Back to the inteded thread topic:

I think everyone has slightly different rules for when you are officially dating someone...I guess there is also levels to dating, but I'm more interested in finding out what your rules are when you are "exclusively" dating..as in a formal boyfriend-girlfriend you present to society and take to your family's weddings and the such.

This probably won't be the case for most people here because Mexicans are in general more conservative, but I know of friends whom, when they have a girlfriend, she's pretty much not allowed to dance with anyone else but himself..and maybe her dad and brother, or close, close family, like maybe a cousin...but the point is, I think this is extreme for the standards of most people here.

I think more of you would allow dancing with others...or would you?

How about having friends of the opposite sex? How about close friends of the opposite sex?

How many of you are liberal enough to allow your partner to go out on occasion and have a "time-out" night where s/he's allowed to hook up with someone else for the night?

Probably not many..but responses should be interesting.

Freds

[jane]

OK.. so here goes... its been awhile but I think this is what you are looking for..

1. Girlfriend status, to me means, that you ONLY date one person. Your boyfriend.
2. Going out with friends, be it alone or with oneanother is a must. We all need a break sometimes.
3. Opposite sex friends has to be aloud because, in my case, I have lots a friends that are guys.. its comes with me job. I work in a kitchen with mostly men and have for the last 15 years.
4. One night on the weekend should be devoted to the two of you and if you want .. one night should be a night with the "boys" or "girls" or whatever.
5. Personally, I have no problem with my boyfriend dancing with or having drinks with other women. If you have trust in a relationship, that shouldn't matter.

How's that...

[nomas]

So kissing other girls is definitely off limits, right?

I think that's what most would say.

Freds

[Blazin Trav]

So kissing other girls is definitely off limits, right?

I think that's what most would say.

Freds

To me, yeah, that's off limits. If she's my girfriend friends are totally fine with me. But when she's spending a lot of time with other guys and not with me for long periods of time I'm not too keen to be happy with that.

[nomas]

See, you hit the key on what I care most about in a relationship. The TIME that she gives me..that she prefers to spend time with me...her attention. But I'd hate to enforce that..to enforce anything. I wish her to give me a lot of attention, but only as much as she wants to give me...in other words, I hate to force anything. I want it all to be her choice..not "these are the rules". I guess that's what I was trying to get at with this whole thread. It's a radical, yet logical way to look at a relationship I guess. No contracts signed..no rules..hell, I guess by definition there's no word for it. I guess it would confuse people for someone in one such relationship to say "I have a girlfriend or bofriend" but s/he's out with some other dude/girl right now...but s/he'll be back to me tonight because I'm this person's preference.

But I doubt that will ever happen.

Freddie

[jane]

If your in a loving and mutual relationship... why would you need to "enforce" .. anything? Sounds strange doesnt it? :

[misombra]

i agree with you nomas once again about the time thing. to me, it would bug me that my boyfriend was giving MY time to some other woman. but i tell you, emotions and jealousy show their ugly faces at some point. where the rules aren't logical anymore, they're emotional. okay for example, thursday when i told my boyfriend that you were coming into town and we were planning to go to the cooperage with some of your friends and some of my friends he said, "oh that'll be fun". all good one would think right? well the next morning he said, "you know that now i can go on dates with other girls, right?" i was like "uh, no" and told him that i wasn't going out on a date. and that the difference is that he would be going and doing what some other girl wanted to do and not doing what i want to do. and that it's not a "date" for reasons that seemed pretty obvious to me. perfectly reasonable right? well i tell you, the emotions and the jealousy start flowing and all of a sudden and you're like, "what the frik?" but even he couldn't explain himself very well. he said that he doesn't want to tell me what to do and what not to do, but he didn't want me going out with you either. but i understand this, if he met a woman online and she came and wanted to go out with my man to do something that he really liked to do, i would be incredibly jealous. and though i trust this man with my life, i would still be jealous.

relationships are so unpredictable, everybody's got their own rules, they're not always logical.

[nomas]

What I mean by not wanting to "enforce" anything, Jane, is to sort of lay out the rules along with penalties.. the "or else" factor. Kinda like misombra. In a way, it seems there was an ultimatum..but I don't disagree entirely with the concept, just the motive in misombra's case. I do think it's a two way street. In theory, the correct answer to his petition should have been: "Sure, anything I do, you can do too." Especially since we weren't out to do anything but have a fun night of dancing..where he would have been more than welcome to join in on. We both know it was not intentioned to be a "date" in any kind of a romantic atmosphere between you and me, but there's always the pre-established theories and preconceived notions that a guy and a girl can't be friends..and that a guy's intention is always to get in a girl's pants and will excercise his "techniques" to charm his way in...and I'll bet that's his opinion of me, that I would waste no oportunity. So his reaction was probably defensive. He said, "okay, you're 'dating', so I get to date too". Of course, you in turn decided you wouldn't like it either, in that context. But back to theory...in theory I would say, "Yes, you can date if this is what you wish to do. I am not, never been, never will be or feel to be your owner..you are free as a bird. I only want to loyalty you want to give me. Yes I want it, but only if you wish to give it here. If you find someone else that you can be happier with than me, you should go to that person and I will be happy for you." That's true love..the ultimate sacrifice. Not the "I love you and want you to be with me", but rather, "I love you and want you to be HAPPY".

But as you say, in practice relationships will probably prove to be unpredictable to me too.

In theory I can figure anything out.

Freds

[cbee]

Freddie,

Surely if they want to be out with other people then they aren't completely happy with you? Hmmm, just a thought not sure if it's right or not. Also, what I learnt from my last relationship is that there's no point trying to keep my other half happy if it's making me unhappy ergo if they want to go out with other pepole and that makes them happy fine. however it would make me really unhappy & therefore I would have to walk away no matter how much it hurt.

I think my biggest relationship rule is consideration. Fine if you're going to bail out on some arrangement but please have the consideration to let me know as much in advance as possible rather than wussing out so I have to find out the day before & have nothing to do all weekend. And when you ring up to tell me at least make it sound like you considered me in the decision e.g. ask me if it's ok (like I'm going to say no anyway) it's kind of superficial but makes you feel valued.

Claire

[nomas]

Maybe I'm thinking this way because this I think that's the way this girl I've liked the most in the history of Freddie would think. (weird sentece...oh, well...)

I do see your point..if you're completely happy with someone, you shouldn't need to look for anything anywhere else...but one thing she said was, "how do you know what you're missing out on?" What if you've got a boy, but you never gave the opportunity to this other dude that maybe can make you even happier?? That's the logic behind it. And again, back to what I said earlier...it's a matter of time. If you're with me, want to be with me most of the time..that constitutes that preference I'm talking about. If I get 8 out of 10 calls, that's pretty awesome. You prefer me. And I think if we were liberal enough to accept this, maybe that would solve that little anxiety left in the back of your mind of the "what if"...or a subconcious reproach to your significant other for "making you commit", tying you up, so to speak. Even if you are very satisfied with this person ("completely" is too definitive...nothing is complete) this could be a little, small, little detail that doesn't have to be there. Like you say..if the person is satisfied with you anyway, then they will demonstrate this by not needing to date others...why does the rule need to be in place? Wouldn't it be healthy in a relationship for me to say, "you go with your friends and have a girl's night out and wreak havoc and do what you want...have a blast, get as wild as you want for this one night" and maybe this will help not allow any stressful buildup in a relationship of the kind I was talking about...the feeling you're stuck with this person because you committed to them and now, that's it! It's over. Now, I can see that if you did this EVERY night, then there's that issue of the time you're spending with me and the fact that you don't prefer me..you want to go out without me every night and THIS is what clues me that you don't prefer me.

So that's the theory behind that freedom I'm talking about being a healthy thing...but I can argue your case too: Having the rule in place..while it does put you in the spot that you're "stuck with this person" (and I purposefully used the negative interpretation rather than saying "committed to" becuase I'm proving the point of how the subconcious could be feeling anxious) there is also the trade off of the peace of mind you get knowing that it's a two way street and your significant other ALSO is not going around dating other people.

I still think that in theory, my rule-less relationship model is better. But yeah..I can also see that the uncertainty of it would suck. This can be countered, though, by constantly telling your partner what's up:

"Baby, you are my number one...you know that, right?"

"Yes, Pookie, I believe you"

That's all I'd need.

By the way..I'm Pookie in that dialogue.

Freds

[cbee]

Does being able to go out and pull/sleep with other people really give you more freedom though?

In my relationships I've always gone on girls nights out and most of my really good friends are males but I've always tried to be really sure that whoever I'm with knows what values I have and that I would never do anything physical with anyone. Surely if that guy is going to be something more than just a really good friend I should be upfront with the guy I'm with because they've probably already surpassed him in my affections by that stage?

If all we're talking about is satisfying yourself physically, which is what it really comes down to, I don't really understand why that can't be done with one person, there's role play, new things to learn etc...Plus if it was him sleeping with someone else and I really cared about him I'd be sooooo jealous it would eat me up & it would be the end of the relationship anyway.

[nomas]

I guess I don't think I'm the jealous type.

But I have no practical experience..it's easy to spit the thoery out.

Freds

[artyemi]

I guess that's what I was trying to get at with this whole thread. It's a radical, yet logical way to look at a relationship I guess. No contracts signed..no rules..hell, I guess by definition there's no word for it. I guess it would confuse people for someone in one such relationship to say "I have a girlfriend or bofriend" but s/he's out with some other dude/girl right now...but s/he'll be back to me tonight because I'm this person's preference.

But I doubt that will ever happen.

Freddie

It really boils down to jealousy a lot, you know. I was dating this guy for a month. Then, we ended it and fell into limbo, where we weren't dating, and we weren't just friends (like we were holding hand and stuff). But what hurts about it is that I knew I wasn't this person preference because we'd be walking over to his preference. I guess if you're going to be involved in something like that, you'd be happier if you're that person's preference. If not, it can hurt a lot to feel like you're being used. And I used to say that to my other friends- I have a boyfriend, but my boyfriend isn't here because he's with the love of his life, and he'll be back to me when he's had enough fun with her. (And how can you ever have enough fun with your preference?)
People's reaction would be "girl, you're crazy."
So now, we're just friends- and even as friends, he still put me on stand-by mode for when his preference calls him out.

[nomas]

Then this other person (the preference) is the one who has the deal I'd like. For you.. don't think of him as your boyfriend. If he doesn't reciprocate the preference factor, you don't have this relationship I speak of. For him, you're just a friend he's liberal enough to have a good time with with physical displays of affection. This should be what you consider him too..but obviously you'd like for it to be something more. It good luck in it happening for you, but you cannot force it. That sucks.

[artyemi]

Never wanted to be anything more. I don't have expectations of it that way, even from the beginning of the friendship, then relationship, then limbo, then friendship. Just hurt because he kept lying about his feelings for her at the beginning. That's all. I'm over it now. And we're friends, absolutely just friends now.