friend zoned?

[adelaide]

i don't know where to start. i have been best friends with my guy friend for over a year or so. we are both still in school, and about to graduate this next semester. this past semester we spent a lot of time together and hung out almost every night and talked every day. so needless to say i developed pretty strong feelings for him. however, this summer i decided to move home to give us a little space and to have our own lives - i mean we have the same classes, some of the same friends, we started a business together, he's friends with my brother and sister... you get the point. so since the summer started we text often and maybe talk on the phone 2 or 3 times a week to catch up. this past week he randomly brought up a girl he started hanging out with. he didn't specify anything really except that he enjoys hanging out with her and they grew up in the same church - went to the same high school whatever. obviously he's somewhat interested in her if he decided to bring her up. previous to this we NEVER talked about us apart from friends. he never told me we were "just friends" which i always just had to assume. however, after he told me about the girl my demeanor changed in my voice (of course) and he knew i was bothered and asked what i am anxious about or what has been bothering me. I have felt like he always knew, but never felt the need to tell him until the right time.

well, i felt like i had to tell him at that point to avoid never telling him. yes this seems like not a big deal, but i am shy and had some family problems in high school that prevented me from getting close to guys. anyways, he wasn't awkward about it, in fact he himself was a shy guy and is the type of person who just has a few close friends (mainly because he is busy all the time) but he said he was glad i told him and that i trust him enough to tell him and then basically told me how he thought we had something special in our friendship - whatever that means. but then would tell me things like "i don't expect you to wait around for me if i ever date someone" and told me how lucky whoever i get married to is. but also told me how i was the one who helped him get over his previous relationship/first love of 3 1/2 years (the girl cheated on him) and how i am the only person he can tell anything too.. etc. yeah i get all of that, but the real thing i am curious about is at the end of our conversation he told me "i'm sorry, but i just don't have an answer for you right now." okay, so this whole time i was expecting him to tell me he just thought of me as a friend and he tells me that, which is even worse. so i dont know if he is just honestly confused or if that is just a nice way of him telling me we are just friends. it just sucks because he is my best friend and at some point i knew this was going to happen, because we can't be "just friends" forever. anyways. i talked to him 5 nights ago and haven't talked to him since. i decided that if he wants to talk to me - i will let him make the effort - and if he doesn't ill just be forced to move on. even though we never dated it still sucks losing a best friend and many of our ties. but i don't really know what else to do. any input is appreciated.

[smackie9]

Guys are different than girls in the way they look at relationships. Girls put guys in one of two categories or ladders (the ladder theory). There is the friends ladder and the guys you see as BF material. I'm guessing he had always figured he was on your friends ladder so he never really pursued you, or he was too afraid to, or is some rare cases never saw you anymore than just a friend. A guy only has one category or ladder for girls. But this ladder girls are rated, mostly by how attractive the girl is to them. The most desired is at the top of his ladder where I feel this new girl is at, which possibly had taken your place. That's why he didn't have the heart to say it because he is more interested in her (for now). The gentle let down is him saying "i don't expect you to wait around for me if i ever date someone" and"told me how lucky whoever i get married to is. but also told me how i was the one who helped him get over his previous relationship/first love of 3 1/2 years (the girl cheated on him) and how i am the only person he can tell anything too.. etc." These are all to try to soften the blow. "sorry, but i just don't have an answer for you right now." is him really worried about hurting you with his true answer. You kinda put him on the spot, that's why he said all those things...real awkward for him that's for sure.

Oh well you gave it a shot, but I feel it was done too late......

[adelaide]

Thanks for the honesty, it's kinda what I was thinking but neede some type of outside opinion. I dont think I caught him off guard because there have been other instances where he tries to get it out of me, but you may be right in saying it's too late. Thanks for the reply.