Feeling lost

[Heatwave]

I was in an abuse marriage for 18 years. I finally left my ex-husband 2 years ago. Since that time I have met an wonderful man. We have been living together for an year. We both have been divorce with our own kids. I married my ex-husband just because I got pregnant. There was no love between us. But now I'm in love with my boyfriend and really want to get married. He has made it clear in the beginning that he didn't want to get married again. I have kinda brought it up and he as that he would always change his mind. And that he really loves me. I just don't know how to tell him I want everything that I didn't have the first time around. I want to get married just because we love each other. It's hard for me to explain to him because he married his ex-wife out of love. But I have never had that. I want to feel how it's feels when you say I do to someone you really love. Has someone else ever been in this spot? Should I tell him why it means so much to me or just continue on the way things are?

[Titanll]

You should tell him how you feel. Why would you not?

You said that he made it clear in the beginning that he did not want to marry. He may feel the same way or he may be open to marriage again. Who knows.

To me, it's important to communicate your feelings but if his feelings about marriage are the same, you knew them in time to make a decision to stay or go.

[Heatwave]

Because I don't want him to think I'm trying to pull him into marriage. I get sad when I think k that it may never happen. But I have also told him when we first started dating that I wasn't in an rush. I just feel like I'm missing out on this experience. You know ever girl wants to be happily married to the love of their live. I know he loves me without an doubt.

[Titanll]

Ok, don't tell him. There, problem solved.

I'm not one for mincing words. You told him at first that you weren't in a rush. He told you at first that he didn't want to marry again. So, heaven forbid, let's say this ends up being the demise of your relationship, you do see that the seeds were sown very early, right?

See, when you describe marriage as an experience that you are missing out on with him, I cringe a little. If you two never marry, I have to side with the guy. He told you plainly, I assume, that he didn't want to marry again. Not, maybe one day, not maybe in 5 years. He said never unless you tell me otherwise.

While I love marriage and I well know that some men and women certainly want to be married to the "love of their" life, not all do. Speaking for me only, I know that marriage is important to me and I would not settle for someone against it. Why did you?

[Heatwave]

Now I'm second guessing our whole relationship. He did tell me a few weeks ago that he would want to take our relationship to the next level one day. But I'm worried that he just said it because he knew that what I wanted to hear.

[Titanll]

Well, to me that sounds positive. Why are you second guessing the relationship?

[Heatwave]

Guess I'm more scared then thing. My first marriage wasn't good at all. It was a very verbal abusive marriage. I'm still fighting to get over all that. My boyfriend has been very supportive with helping me get pass my past and move forward. Guess I'm always waiting for something bad to happen. I need to start looking at the positive side.

[Titanll]

Well your boyfriend is to be commended for helping you. Personally, I have no tolerance for baggage. It isn't your fault that you have had a terrible relationship in the past but I wouldn't be in a relationship with anyone that had not resolved their issues stemming from past relationships. My SO and I have certainly had life events that qualify us as experienced but they have zero effect on us. I don't think that it would be fair to her or me to have to deal with past issues.

So, I ask, what does your past verbally abusive relationship have to do with the love of your life. I thought the only issue was that the love of your life doesn't want to marry again.

Don't create problems where none exist...

[pam4him]

Congrats on finding love after a tough marriage. And by all means, tell him. Let him know you want to feel the way he did the first time, that it would make you very happy to be his wife not because you have to, but because you want to. Offer some time for him to think it over if necessary. Good luck!

[TheEvilJester]

I think you've already received really good advice. I agree with almost everything that has been said. You can't necessarily be upset with him because it sounds like he was clear with you right from the start that he didn't see himself getting married again. Sure, he certainly could wind up changing his mind... but if it was THIS important to you, you shouldn't have just stayed with him assuming he would change his mind. That's not really fair to him.

I'm not saying that to blame you. Believe me, I understand how you feel. I understand you probably didn't want to give up what otherwise seemed like a good thing. Especially after being stuck with such a bad thing for so long. Truth is, if you want to get married again, there is nothing wrong with that. However..... if he never wants to get married again after his experiences, then there is nothing wrong with that either. That is up to him.

It just MAY (I Stress MAY) mean that you two are just not the right match. Honestly, it may not, though. That's why you should talk to him about it. The point isn't to try to push him into it. You just want to share with him what you want, why you want that, how important it is to you, etc. At the same time, you need to let him be heard as well. Let him explain what he wants, why he wants it, how important it is to him. Maybe you two can find a happy middle ground that you can both accept. Or maybe one or the other of you will change their mind and be okay with the situation given certain conditions.

When it comes down to it, though, this isn't a little thing. If you are steadfast in wanting to get married again.... but he is steadfast in never wanting to get married again, then that is unlikely to work. It would be wrong for either one of you to expect the other to just be okay with whichever arrangement if they are that against it. I hope it doesn't have to come to that. You deserve to be happy, especially as somebody who has seen what it is like to be stuck in a relationship that makes you unhappy.

So, I hope you two can make it work. But, more so I hope that you care enough about yourself to do the right thing even if it has to be the harder decision. Good luck to you either way.

[pcmaster]

As I seen on this forum, pushing for marriage dont work, it rather does opposite. I see that you are hoping for him to change mind, and it might happen, but pushing telling him you want to get married wont make it any faster. I rather can suggest wait for a year or two and if it dont happen - if he dont propose you then propose him.

[Heatwave]

All of this is good advice. We love each very much so and I have no doubt about that. I told him that it took me years for be ex to talk me into marriage the first time. And when I made that comment he agreed that he wasn't sure if he wanted to get married again. But that was early on in our relationship. I made the comment a few weeks ago that I hope our relationship will move to the next step one day and he said he does too one day. I was just worried that he was just saying that bec he knew that was what I wanted to hear. I don't want him to feel we have get married right away. I love him no matter what. I just never thought I would want to get married again.

[Hooo!]

I understand that and it surely is a huge compliment for him.
However maybe he is just opposed and or afraid towards marriage
And you can still have everything together without marriage

[Heatwave]

I understand that and still love him either way. My main concern was should I tell him exactly how I feel or not? He is all about giving me everything I want and I don't want him to feel like we have to get married for me to be happy with him. Also I did tell him that I wasn't in an rush. We have only been together 18 months and been living together for an year. I just don't want him to feel pressured.

[pcmaster]

I think living together for a year is a minimum time after what to get married. So you been together only minimum time to get married. Really another year without getting married wont do any harm.

I say after total of 4 years of living together you will see perfectly if you want to live together for the rest of your life or not. As experienced people say - get married not because you can live with the person but because you cant live without the person.

Then again there might be financial concerns to marriage. Some people want it to be big and expensive event others just something to get over it.

But I think guy will eventually marry you sinc eyou said hes focused to give everything you want and thats just another think you want so with time that might happen. I think you have to let it to be his idea.