A different girl, her different world

[moeburn]

This conversation never happened.

My girl, I love her, I've been in love with her for 5 months now. She lives in a home where her brother beats her up when she is happy. Her mother won't tell him to leave. Her mother tells her not to leave. She has no father, she obeys no authority figure but her own mother. Her brother's friends, her uncles, all beat her up on a regular basis. She calls me up late at night, voice trembling in fear, a gasp and silence every time she hears movement outside her door. Then she hurts herself just to cope with the emotional aftermath.

And she tells me she won't do anything about it.

And she tells me not to do anything about it.

Like someone has taken her hostage. Like she is screaming through duct tape over her mouth. And the hostage taker has told me to play by the rules so that she'll be allright.

I don't even know what to ask this forum.

[clynn]

How old are you?

The poor thing.

And, you? You have two choices: You either betray her confidence and trust by telling anyone ...OR it kills you to stand by and do nothing.

I think the best thing that you can do is try to work from within. Try your best to encourage her to make things change...to leave the home herself. Where would she go? 5 months? Does she ever spend time at your family's house, just hanging out? Maybe she can come over and start spending more time there.

As a starting place, encourage her to have "go-to" places. Places that she can go when things get nasty. Your place, other friends, or family - if there is anyone safe in her family where she can go.

This may have to happen slowly and gradually. The more time she is able to spend away from the home...the strong she will become

DON'T encourage her to a) fight back or relaliate or b) be antagonistic, to start any fights while in the home.

[moeburn]

I'm 17, she's 16, she has legal rights to leave home under Canadian law.

She refuses to take refuge in my home, she has one friend left who's house she can run to, and she's done it alot.

I've talked to her about leaving, and she's talked to me about her fear of what would happen to her, emotionally or physically, when she'd eventually have to come back.

[clynn]

I don't know what to say. I really don't.

Only I had friends, some very very close who survived similar situations when the same age.

Let's hope she doesn't choose to remain there for very long. Maybe until you both graduate?

Still...the more comfortable she feels in your home and in her friends home, the more doors open to her - without expectations of 'leaving' her home but just having a safe haven sometimes. She doesn't need to make any definite moves. No packing up and leaving. Maybe just find reasons for her to hang out with you a lot more.

She may refuse refuge with you as at 5 months, although that is a good deal of time, it is still relatively short to "allow" someone to do something that big for you....to know and understand it. Are your parents aware of her situation?

She is very lucky to have you.

It is extremely hard (practically impossible) for an abused person to see their options. Because they are being abused by people she is related to....there are such conflicted feelings and emotions...it is all she knows, this is how she has come to know love and this is familiar....it is difficult for her to turn her back on that probably, even if she knows somewhere in her heart and soul that she shouldn't have to suffer through this.

The poor, poor thing. She has experienced too much.

[Pears]

This is something you should definately tell other people who you can get help from. Sure, you may betray her trust, but would you rather know that she is constantly getting beaten? She needs to be in a safer place and should get some psychological help. She is in bad shape. What you can do is just provide her support and make sure she gets the help she needs.

[moeburn]

Well she's made it very clear that she hates the people that hurt her, and she'd be happier if they were dead.

The only person she loves is her mom. Her mom has seen her get beat up, but her mom won't do shit about it.

I'll take all your advice, thankyou.

[Only-virgins]

Tell someone who has authority. She may think you are betraying her but in the long run she will thank you for it.

[clynn]

Then she probably doesn't want to leave because she loves her mom. She wouldn't want to leave her mom there on her own.

I say get in good with her mom.

I know that my suggesting "strategy" instead of running to a counsellor or outside source might be contrary to what others suggest. But I also know that people living in an abusive household often will not respond to traditional methods. Your love and support, if you've got it in you.....will be invaluable to her. Just you listening to her is probably a very big deal.

Also, .... any change that is going to happen - isn't going to happen overnight.

This is quite a base by which to be building a teenage relationship, quite a base.

[vashti]

I don't understand. What do you mean they "beat her up when she is happy"? Is that the version of the story THEY would tell?

I do not condone physical violence in any way, shape, or form, but because she is too young to move out, if they are beating her up because of her relationship with YOU, then if you really love her, stop seeing her until she is older. It is a matter of practicality.

Somehow I don't think we are being given the complete story.

[Tone]

Yeah tell us the whole story.

How big are you? How big is the brother?

Either way you should stick up for her... People that abuse women and children infuriate me.

[Gigabitch]

That story rings a lot of bells for me. (This is how people end up in therapy, OV)

She needs help. Not just from you, but from some organization that exists to help people in her situation. I don't know what you have in Canada, but here in NM there are a number of options. There must be something online (Hell Forum?) where she could at least get in touch with others who have been there. It's really important that she try to build a network of support, not just you, because no one person can carry that kind of weight. It'll crush your relationship, and then she'll lose everything.

I've talked to her about leaving, and she's talked to me about her fear of what would happen to her, emotionally or physically, when she'd eventually have to come back.

I don't know why she would think she'd eventually have to come back. Loyalty to her mom? That was my problem when I was her age. I want to ask where her mom's loyalty to her is.

In the end, she has to take care of herself. All the help in the world won't do any good if she doesn't want it.

[secrets]

clynn...you are sooo good at this...lol.

dude..i worry about your girlfriend..really..would you want something bad to happen ..something worse (God forbid)..and then you will have to live with yourself wishing that you did something..

if you do something about this..she will kick..and scream..and probably say she hates you for opening your *big mouth*...but if you are that concerned about her safety and well being (heck..i am)..then do something...tell someone..girlfriend or not girlfriend..in the end..you would really be helping someone out..someone that couldnt do it on their own...

[Late_vamp]

wow , just ready the first post and it got me kind of pissed off . I hate HATEE ppl like her brothers and family , they cant stand to see others happy , trying to ruin everything ... if i would be you and i would REALLY love her , i would make her move out with me even if my parents are around , i know my parents would and they would take her in .

[Debunkt]

Toronto Child Protection Services: (416) 325-0500

use it