Confused - what am i suppoused to do?

[Chanel]

I know this is long, but please do read..

I'm 21 yrs old. I used to be more or less commited for the last 3 yrs, with different partners. Unfortunatelly none of them was right for me, since i wanted something more serious than them. Right now I'm single for about 3 months and I feel great being alone, having time for myself.

3 months ago, just when i finished the last relationship, i met some guy, one of the good ones, and till then we go out approximately 1-2 per week. Just being friends. i know he's hoping that we would at some time get together.. and I guess he thinks that would happen soon. Me, myself.. I don't know. I mean, I know that considering his personality, he's probably Mr. Right for me, coz he has the characteristics I admire - such as: he respects me, it's honest, reliable, respects my wishes, is financially stable, well educated etc. But.. there always seems to be this 'but' :? hm, let's just say, that his outside, his looks doesn't attract. I can't even imagine kissing him, not to mention having sex with him. I mean, I love his personality, really. But he doesn't turn me on.

And then I think... I started dating only 3 yrs ago, when i was 18. I always have this feeling, that i missed out a lot, since i haven't been in love at, let's say, 16 or something like that. I guess that is why i still feel young, like i'm still in my teens, although i'm not. I'm afraid that if i start dating this guy (who is btw very serious about realtionships and said to me that his future girl would hopefully be forever), i will somehow stopped living. No more fun with my friends, no more flirting with other guys... i wouldn't consider myself as unserious, since when i'm with somebody, I'm totally his, i don't care about the others around, coz he's the only one in my heart.

But with this guy... i'm not in love with him. In fact, i would have to make me fall in love with him... That doesn't seem natural to me. Why should someone do something he doesn't really want? Maybe because I'm scared i won't find a guy who could match him, with one slight difference - physical attraction. Everybods keeps telling me that i'm old enough to start thinking about future, to forget all the cute and popular guys, and grab him till it's not too late. That marriage isn't about love, but about compromises. that u don't marry the guy you love, but the guy with whom u can build your safe future. But i don't wanna be locked in a relationship that doesn't work for me. i know i would eventually start cheating, coz i need the excitement, and a guy like this one, can't give me that. He's just too secure.

I am much more alive than he is. I can go whenever i want by myself and still have a great time. and he.. he's afraid of doing new things just by himself... he always wants me by his side.

It's like - if i choose him, i'll stay with him forever. Do i really want to force myself everytime we would have sex? ok, there's a posibility that eventually i would fall in love with him.. but what if i don't? and what if i let him go and after a year or two realize that i made a mistake?

I guess that all wouldn't have been such a problem.. and i would eventually choose him.. if there wasn't another guy... I recently met a guy, who is funny, likes challenging me with word games, loves to dance (me too), has something special in him so that i can't move my eyes away from him. So he isn't that educated as the first one. So he doesn't work for the government, but does something with cars. But he seems so much more alive than the first one. Wants to do all the exciting things. and is not just plain romantic as the first one. But there's a problem - he acts like he's unserious, he plays with girls... he says that he does that the moment he realizes that they're just dumb, and that when he really falls in love, he's totally serious and would do anything for his girl. I don't know if i can't trust that.. Can a person really change so much? But then again.. i like to play with guys when i don't mean anything serious, and when i start a relationship i'm completely different.. At least i know he's not one of that one-night-standers.

and here i am, caught in the middle of these two guys... one with great personality and one who looks delicious (and which personality i have yet to discover).. and the time is ticking....

How can i possibly get some more time, to get to know the second one better, and in the same time how can i tell the first one that i'm afraid i'm not ready for that kind of relationship, for such a serious thing that would eventually lead to marriage? I know he feels like he's time is running out, since he finished all possible stages at university.. but i'm still studying (i changed the study recently and have to start from beginning) and will be studying for at least 4 yrs. I mean, if i would met him when i was already, i don't know, 24, 25, i would absolutelnoty choose him, but right now..not really.

But then again, what if the first one is the right one and the second one just a fling thing?

[Zekk_T_Strife]

Wow, long indeed, but maybe I have some insight. I warn you before hand that my advice is going to be kind of biased being that I fall into the same category as guy number one here. But anyway, a few things to note. First of all, I think you're thinking WAY too far ahead into this first guy. Maybe he does want something serious, maybe thats just the only kind of relationship he knows, but I don't think he's going to grab you and make you marry him. Secondly, the whole marrying for stability instead of love? That complete bullshit. I'd rather be a loving husband in a trailer than a cold rich man with a cheating wife to come home to. Thirdly, just the few things you've said about guy number two make him sound like a very typical guy, an asshole. I mean, hes cute, uneducated, and works on CARS of all things. I can't help but see him as an unsafe option, someone who just wants ass.

My personal advice on the situation would be to give number one a chance. Still hang out with number two and all but let number one show you what hes made of. Of course let him know that you want to take it at a slower pace, marriage definately shouldn't be passing through either one of your heads yet, you've only known each other for three months. Now as for the physical attraction, I've heard from my closest of friends that you really do become more attracted physically to a person you attach to emotionally. I don't know if this is true for all girls so make sure you know how you respond to that, don't take my word for it. Finally I would just like to point out that you know what you're aim is in life. Yes security is important, and attraction is important. You don't want to go with number one solely on his financial security, and you don't want to go with number two solely on his carefree ways. You have to find the deeper emotional attachment, the real attraction. I really hope that helps, let us know if you need any more advice.

[Rew]

I agree with Zekk_T_Strife, pretty much what I was gonna say. 21, thats still young.

Here's a little story about my parents that might give you insight/hope.

My parents didn't get married till they were 28. They were just best friends for 4 years in college, they constantly set eachother up with other people, my mom admits during their friendship she didn't have much of a physical attraction for him. My Dad got his PHD in Mathmatics so he was the studying dorky type and my mother was sort of the social cheerleading type. All you can do with a PHD in Mathmatics is teach it, so my father had to look for a job at far away universities, which meant he had to move away... Only then did my parents realize how much they did love eachother and they started to date. A year or so later, they got engaged.
My mother had been dating for about 2 years a guy who was great, a very popular guy that everybody liked and my mother did love him. Everyone thought they would get married, but my mom felt in her heart that he wasn't the one she could spend the rest of her life with.

Professors in Mathmatics don't get paid very much at all, so my Mom and Dad were dirt poor for the first couple years of marriage, but they were in love and say they wouldn't trade those years that really brought them close for anything. Now they've been married for 26 years, are financially secured, and I still find the 2 old fogies making out! My sister recently got engaged, so I've been hearing all the advice from my parents on how to have a successful relationship/marriage:
-Communication - You have to be completely honest with eachother, to know the other person inside and out. If you go with the first guy, you'll be bypassing this whole factor, by trying to fake love, trying to make something out of it. You probably wouldn't tell the first guy how you really feel, that you were just going for him for his security and how he would treat you.
- Love - You have to have it. You have to love the other person and put his/her needs even with yours. The main reason for breakups/divorces IMO is that people go into relationships for what they can get out of it, not because they love the other person so much that they want to give themselves to fill their partners needs and vice versa.
- Best Friends - A true best friend is someone who fills your gaps. Where one friend lacks, the other makes up for it. Its someone you feel totally comfortable with, and who you can always go to... The first person you go to with a problem. If he doesn't fill your emptyness, you'll probably go looking elsewhere and end up cheating. Do you really want to wake up next to someone for the rest of your life, and not feel he's the one for you?

I know that was really long winded, but hopefully it helped some. Overall, you are 21! This isn't the 1700s where at 22 a woman becomes an old maid. I just saw on the news yesterday women are having babies at 60... I know you don't want to wait that long, but isn't 20 years of total happiness better than 40 years of same old same old emptyness? I'd say keep looking, I have faith it will work out for you in the end. Good luck

[Zekk_T_Strife]

Well put Rew.

[Illusional]

*your typical guy number 2 steps into the room*

being that i am a really spontlaneous type of person that loves excitement and diversity, i would tell you to choose neither. first of all, guy 1, sounds typically boring. true, he may be the sweet and sensitive person that you've been longing for your whole life, but that doesn't mean anything. well it does, but what does it mean if you're not happy? being that you're looking for far into the future, would you buy a car that you're only partitally satisfied with. i mean it runs great and will get to you where you want to be, but it looks like shit. i'd say that if you're going to get into a relationship with someone, you shouldn't have any doubts. you should be able to wnat the entire package, especially if you're speaking of marriage. i think that i'm a very picky person, so when i decide to get into a relationship, i want to like EVERYTHING about her, not just her personality. i know how you feel because i tend to be very superficial too. i judge people by the way they look and act. my friends might not be the best dressed people in the world, but when it comes to my gf, i have to like her outward appearance and inward.
seeing how you refer to sex, i agree with you totally. i could never make love to a person what i wasn't physically attracted to. i mean hey, isn't that why god invented beer? haha. well honestly, you should be able to love the person for who they are, but remember looks also count high on the priority list.

guy number 2...sure he tends to live on the wild side and might not be what you are looking for in the long run, so why look for something in the long run. you're only 21 and believe me, you've got the rest of your life to worry about marriage. whether you're 22 or 52, marrriage is marriage. sure you don't want to start having children at 53 but i think that marriage is such a minute thing to be worrying about when you've got so much more problems on your mind. my advice is to put guy number 1 on hold. don't forget about him but don't commit to anything. being he has a great personality, that is something that you won't want to lose. reguardless if friendship is as far as the relationship takes you, keep in touch. now guy number 2,...stop worrying so much and if you feel the need for excitement, have a few dates with him. just because you meet a guy and he crosses your mind a few times, doesn't mean you will end up having his children. he may break your heart or you may break his, you NEVER know what will happen...but if you live it worrying about what might have happened, you will never know what really could have happened. raverboy

[Chanel]

In case anyone would like to know what happened next..


So, I totally agree with you, raverboy, the 1st guy IS boring. It must have been at least 5 times now that he told me the whole story how me met (like i can't remember myself) and how he was glad that we did. So I decided to just stay friends with him.

The 2nd guy.. hm... when we go out by ourselves is really cool. We have signed for a tango class just recently. He seems to like the same things as me. But.. I have a feeling he needs a constant feeling of being 'accepted' by women around him. He needs a proof that they find him attractive. So when we go out with a group of friends, he keeps flirting with everyone. I mean, I'm still the one who gets to see him every day, who he kisses goodnight... We're not dating, we're just.. I don't know what we are. Today I'm going out with him, alone, and I hope the situation will clear up. I certainly don't want to be just some girl in his life. I want to be the only girl he flirts with. So, I'm kinda jealous and possesive maybe, but so what? If I'm with a guy, he's the only one for me. I actually don't see anyone else around me. I mean, I don't care about the other guys, I don't care if they find me attractive, coz I already have a guy and I'm a one-guy-girl. And I want the same in return.

And I'm not worrying that much about all this.. especially not marriage, coz I really won't get married till I'll be like 28. I just mentioned that coz that's what I have to hear from my parents all the time.. Like it's my fault, that my mum missed a perfect guy like the first one and obviously (despite loving my dad) still regrets it a little. I know it's my life and that I can do whatever I want.

I used to live like this slogan: 'La vida passa'. The life just happens. It's like destiny. I only put the topic here because I wanted to hear some opinions. I perfectly know that a person must choose for himself, that nobody else can do that instead of him.

Thanks for the replies

[Illusional]

well you have everyright to be jealous only on the inside if you desire more than him. what i mean is that if you're wanted a relationship, you're going to have to desire him to be thruthful with you and not flirt as much with others. he might not see it as flirting but then, it's always different when you see things from your own eyes. i'm telling you that this guy might be perfect in everyway, yet he still does have his flaws. there are many other guys that are wild and exciting and not the flirty type. you just have to figure out and balance the good and the bad. raverboy

[corewarp]

"That marriage isn't about love, but about compromises. that u don't marry the guy you love, but the guy with whom u can build your safe future."

What psalm is that?

I agree with Illusional on this one. What's the rush? Stay cool. 8)

[Illusional]

i also agree with this idea....marrige IS about love and the comprimises is what keeps you together. like over your lifetime, you will fall for many people and fall in-love with a lesser number. it is physical attraction that usually sparks the fire but what feeds the flames is the personality. love is that same way, in that you can have all the love in the world, but if the two of you aren't compatible... then there is another another special person that you'll better acompany with. raverboy