Crossroads

[copper]

Hi, this is my first time posting to a site like this. Thank you for taking the time to read my message and offer advice if you have it. I have been in an on and off relationship with a man for six years. I love him deeply and want the best for him - he has commitment issues and i do too since I've stayed in this situation for so long. Last fall we broke it off again - I wanted to talk things through- he became hostile and verbally abusive so I stopped connecting. Last month, he emailed me that he realizes he said and did some things to me that I did not deserve and wants to apologize and asked for my forgiveness. It turns out he began a relationship with another woman and got into a physical situation with her. He broke off the relationship and she filed charges against him. He is now facing assault charges with a court date in a couple of months. He says he cannot move his life forward until this is over, yet he hopes I will stand by him. I do not know what to do. I still love him and hope he can find happiness, but I feel like if I support him through this, he might easily leave after his court date. I do see that he has softened a lot and is very open and honest. Do I stay and support him through this and not date others? (that is what he wants) or keep my distance until this is over and he can clearly see what he wants? I think if he knew he wanted me for sure, he would be able to move his life forward regardless of the outcome of this situation but my perspective might be seriously off here. By the way - the charge was related to an incident when he pushed this girl off of him and she fell and got a bruise. He is not the get drunk and come home and beat your girlfriend type - however, he has control issues and when a woman threatens him with other men, he loses his temper and his anger is something he is committed to working on.

[Doc Durian]

I got into a shoving match with a romanced chick once. She said some horrid things about people I cared about, from the past. So I returned verbal fire. She lost the plot and started striking me around the face and head area. I pushed her off. She got pissed off that I "manhandled a woman" and came back for 3 or 4 more waves. I kept pushing her off/shoving her away... until I barreled her up against the kitchen sink firmly holding her wrists.

Apparently I was an arsehole for bruising her.

No charges were laid... but then again, she would have had to explain why I had the welts and her bruising hadn't surfaced until a day longer. Hand mark bruising, and not striking bruises.

Some chicks think they can physically abuse men and get away with it. It's a shame that we can't deliver a crisp smack across the chops when it's really warranted, these days.

Same as spanking your kids when they're naughty.

[alovehangoverr]

The first red flag that this situation isn't going to work out is the fact that it's been on/off for SIX YEARS. If you can't get your shit together and be in a stable healthy relationship with someone that you've been trying to be with for SIX YEARS then there's a VERY GOOD CHANCE it's just not gonna work for you.

Now he's contacting you after he's in trouble for assaulting some girl?

Sounds like more bad news.

Seriously, regardless of the situation [whether she provoked him or not] SHOVING a woman isn't ok. Seriously. I've been there. It's a terrible feeling to have a man touch you in such a negative and aggressive way.

It sounds like his problems with verbal abuse escalated, as they often do with abusers, to something physical.

If I were you, I'd cut contact and move on. You can do better.. and you can be in a stable relationship with someone who doesn't have all of these issues.

[Sonrisa]

I got into a shoving match with a romanced chick once. She said some horrid things about people I cared about, from the past. So I returned verbal fire. She lost the plot and started striking me around the face and head area. I pushed her off. She got pissed off that I "manhandled a woman" and came back for 3 or 4 more waves. I kept pushing her off/shoving her away... until I barreled her up against the kitchen sink firmly holding her wrists.

Apparently I was an arsehole for bruising her.

No charges were laid... but then again, she would have had to explain why I had the welts and her bruising hadn't surfaced until a day longer. Hand mark bruising, and not striking bruises.

Some chicks think they can physically abuse men and get away with it. It's a shame that we can't deliver a crisp smack across the chops when it's really warranted, these days.

Same as spanking your kids when they're naughty.

this puts you on my shit list. oh, weren't you on it since the first day?

[Junket]

I got into a shoving match with a romanced chick once. She said some horrid things about people I cared about, from the past. So I returned verbal fire. She lost the plot and started striking me around the face and head area. I pushed her off. She got pissed off that I "manhandled a woman" and came back for 3 or 4 more waves. I kept pushing her off/shoving her away... until I barreled her up against the kitchen sink firmly holding her wrists.

Apparently I was an arsehole for bruising her.

No charges were laid... but then again, she would have had to explain why I had the welts and her bruising hadn't surfaced until a day longer. Hand mark bruising, and not striking bruises.

Some chicks think they can physically abuse men and get away with it. It's a shame that we can't deliver a crisp smack across the chops when it's really warranted, these days.

Same as spanking your kids when they're naughty.

Way to put that cunt in her place!

Now, lets bump chests.

[Ashbee]

i dont think anyone can tell you what to do in this situation. But like the first poster said it has been six years on and off..it doesnt sound very healthy. But if you truly love this guy you have to do what you feel is right... ok he bruised some girl which he shouldnt of done there is no excuse for dimestic violence but you should know this guy by now.
Take time to think about it,dont rush.
good luck!

[Doc Durian]

Seriously, regardless of the situation [whether she provoked him or not] SHOVING a woman isn't ok. Seriously. I've been there. It's a terrible feeling to have a man touch you in such a negative and aggressive way.

Shoving an aggressor away from you after having to cop punches to the face while saying "stop it! What are you doing? Are you nuts?" as they keep aiming for your face is also a terrible feeling. Particularly if they're your own height and don't push away or give up easily.

Had she kept on, I would have had to lay her out. Thankfully, she stopped.

this puts you on my shit list. oh, weren't you on it since the first day?

I've no qualms about dropping an internet attention whore flat on her face, without delay or after thought... if that's what you're enquiring about.

Try me.

[copper]

Thank you - your advice is solid and direct and I appreciate that. I have known him for so long that it is difficult to take a stand and mean it. I have a hard time with speaking my mind to him and want to keep it simple, but I ALWAYs say too much. If I say it is unfair of him to come back to me in this way and expect support, he says I will be sorry I didn't stick with him because he is committed to being a better person now. I would like to believe him - as I do think people can change but they have to be committed to doing it, but it is just too hard. I wish I had the right words to say to him to make me feel good about this whole thing and walk away with my self esteem in tact. Thanks again for your counsel.

[Yggdrasil]

This is what I see: he is verbally abusive, he may be physically abusive, he cheated on you and he's using you as a safety net.

How many more red flags does one need before one understands this isn’t going to work out?

[Junket]

Seriously, regardless of the situation [whether she provoked him or not] SHOVING a woman isn't ok.

Bullshit.
______

[Sonrisa]

It's a shame that we can't deliver a crisp smack across the chops when it's really warranted, these days.

Same as spanking your kids when they're naughty.

i'll be cracking up when a big black dude fuks you in the ass in jail.

[Doc Durian]

i'll be cracking up when a big black dude fuks you in the ass in jail.

I'll shove and smack him too...

(and not in the naughty but nice way)

Modern women (not all of them, mind you, but many) have this archaic assumption that they're still delicate princesses yet they now have the fundemental right to behave like pint sized vampire slayers with impunity...

You want to wear pants?

Be prepared to be kicked in the nuts.

Equality works both ways.

I too have an ancient sense of code still lingering my genes... When I should be, in all fairness, ripping a cunt's breast off and stuffing it up her fetid arsehole after she's jumped the cab que and called any objector a pervert, I refrain from physically maiming the said twat.

Words do far more damage, they sting forever (when true) and they're jail free!

Guess I'm a child of the women's lib movement.

[Mish]

he has control issues and when a woman threatens him with other men, he loses his temper and his anger is something he is committed to working on.

It sounds like he has a history of being abusive to women and him not being a girlfriend beater may only be a matter of time. If you want my opinion, you are only wasting your time here. Find someone who respects women and cares enough about you to control their temper.

[Rollerderby]

he says I will be sorry I didn't stick with him because he is committed to being a better person now. I would like to believe him - as I do think people can change but they have to be committed to doing it, but it is just too hard. I wish I had the right words to say to him to make me feel good about this whole thing and walk away with my self esteem in tact.

So basically, he is just a better bullshit artist than you. You don't need to verbally win an argument against him in order to leave him. But even you said in that last line that you want to walk away. By the way, telling you that you'll feel sorry if you leave him is just a threat. People who love people don't threaten them to get their love.

however, he has control issues and when a woman threatens him with other men, he loses his temper and his anger is something he is committed to working on.

The fact that he has control issues is a big red flag. I think you know in your heart of hearts that this man is no good for anyone. He is jumping back to you after the relationship with this other woman went bad, and he doesn't want you to date other people... hmmmm... this is a tough one... (note the sarcasm as it doesn't always translate)

The real question is, do you want to keep living your life as a puppet for this man? I know I wouldn't want someone with their hand up my ass telling me what to do all day...

unless there were orgasms involved. But this doesn't sound like that kind of situation ;-)