help to make things happen

[wanderer 76]

So, I know that what I am going to suggest here doesn't make me a nice guy...but stick with me

I have been seeing someone from work for the last 8 months. We spend a couple of nights a week together and have a great time. She is in a long term relationship but they have been struggling and she talks about a future with me and says that she wants that. She has 3 children (not by him) and we talk / plan about being a family.

She tried to break up with him last week but after getting angry he got all tearful and said 'let's try again' etc. He isn't going to change the way that he is but she is worried about the impact of change for the children who have been through quite a lot. We are still talking about the future and she says that she loves me etc.

This last week has been tough for her daughter and she has today been in tears on the phone saying that she needs to focus on her children for a while and not move things forward with me at the moment. In the meantime she is still at home with him.

I know that part of her difficulty is that she would prefer it if he finished things rather than her being the bitch (again). All of me wants to send him an anonymous text telling him about her.

But
1) while all the evidence is that men don't forgive, will he forgive her an 8 month affair and will it bring them closer
2) will she pull close to him if she feels that they are being attacked from the outside and try to protect him and look for his forgiveness

As you can tell I'm very confused. Love her to bits and know that we would be great together.

Advice??

[basilandthyme]

First of all, nothing wrong with being a nice guy. The thing to avoid is being a pushover. One can be a nice guy, but still be firm in his intentions and looking after his own needs.

I reckon that if you send her husband a message, she'll probably hate you for the rest of her life. Though I guess it would be one way to guarantee you never have a chance with her. Better to just walk away from her and leave her to her own mess. Tell her that if she's ever single, she can look you up - but that you're not going to wait around for her.

Go find a girl who's actually available for a relationship with you.

[smackie9]

She is bad news....first she is ok with cheating....not just a few weeks but 8 months! Second, you have to be wary of getting involved with someone with kids.....it's a huge responsibility. Right now things are saucy and fun because he is at home taking care of those kids. Add kids to your equation and that fun will be over when he is gone....the dynamics of the relationship is going to change dramatically...that's when she starts cheating on you. I'm pretty positive this is how she start her relationship with him.

She is a hot mess, walk away and don't be the OM no matter what. You can't be that desperate are you???