need help badly

[maria08]

i am fat. i met this guy and become my bf. i thought he was different. we're turning 11 months next month.

what's bothering me.. he said yesterday and repeatedly do it.. "you're getting fatter and fatter. you should have some diet to lose weight".

i don't know if i'm just too sensitive.. but being fat and not accepted by many gives me low self confidence and low self esteem.. i thought he would give me some words of affirmation yet he gave me those words..

is it right for me to think that he will replace me because i'm fat and i'm not the type of a "trophy" girlfriend?

need help. getting insane in thinking..

[Poetic_Partner]

From what you said, he did not "not accept" you. Sorry for the double negative, btw!

I've been in the same situation as he is, and likely that was an untactful version of:
"You've been gaining weight and it worries me. I am growing more and more concerned about your health and it's starting to tear me up. I also have to admit, reluctantly, that I do find you less attractive, and that makes me feel like a heel. Now, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon, but I feel it's a problem that does need to be addressed."

-PP

[maria08]

so i should really need to have this diet. but it still bothers me how he said it.. maybe you're right that i am less attractive to him which from the start i think i was never attractive. Thanks for the thoughts.

[Boisdevie]

Fat people are not attractive - so if you want to keep him do something about it

[Poetic_Partner]

Well, I don't know if you need to lose weight, though you described yourself as "fat" and your bf perceives that you are gaining weight.

As to his comments, it's obvious that he was rude in how he expressed himself. Let him know that it hurt your feelings - that the subject is hard for you to talk about or hear about. Let him know that you appriciate his concern and want his support, but the way he put it made you feel bad about yourself, which (I assume) triggers you comforting yourself through food. Basicly, without making the same communications mistake he did, you need to let him know that he needs to think first and chose his words more carefully in order to better help you.

As for your attractiveness - he chose to give you a chance, didn't he. I assume he didn't have much more to go on than your looks and the public parts of your personbality. Further, he chose to stay with you and (in his very graceless way) chose to confront the situation rather than stepping away.

Oh, a couple things to watch for - like I said, "been there, done that". If you do start a diet, there's a good chance that he will take it upon himself to help you, and may get a bit controlling in doing so. Keep lines of communication open and talk to him if he's going overboard. Also, if you yo-yo, he may blame himself some for not helping correctly. That can cause some friction too.

-PP

[doppelgaenger]

I'm sure you'll have all the love and support you've been expecting when you start losing weight. He's just giving you a little tough love, probably because you've been hesitant about it.

But if he's really making you feel as though he might leave you for someone else just because he doesn't like you, do it for yourself and break up with him when you have to confidence you need and like the way you look.

[doppelgaenger]

Let him know that it hurt your feelings

by smacking him in the head with a frying pan.

[Poetic_Partner]

DG - LOL. Bad move, guys need all the braincells they have!

[maria08]

thanks! you're a great help.

[Agape]

actually I'm kinda fat and I'm losing weight . . . nobody needed to tell me though, I could tell for myself

[Bella82]

You're right that he didn't express how he was feeling in a nice way. It sounds like he may be worried that your weight has fluctuated so much recently and he wants to make sure you will take care of yourself.

It might be helpful to have an open conversation with him about the way he said that to you, and how it made you feel. Don't beat yourself up about this -- it's in your hands to change this. If you want to loose weight and be healthier, you can do it, and you'll feel good about it Make sure though that you don't do it just for him: do it for you too.

[66mustanggt]

wrong wrong...some big people are attractive

Fat people are not attractive - so if you want to keep him do something about it

[confused claire]

I can sympathise.

I am a bit on the large side (!) I was like this when I got together with my bf 11 months ago. Recently he keeps saying things like "I don't want you to get the size of a house" How hurtful is that!!!

I have very low self esteem, am on anti-depressants and I self harm, so comments like that don't help!
I have started losing weight, but hopefully I will start feeling better, looking better, and my self esteem will get better.... and if he continues to be an ar**hole he can find someone else! Bear that in mind yourself.

Good luck x

[Cici54]

It's hard for people to tell someone they love that they're fat. There are so many fat jokes/mean things people say, that even bringing it up makes a person sound like a jerk.
It does sound like he cares for you, and wants you to be healthy. It would be best to just take that on face value and not look for ways that he might criticizing you.
What's really attractive is confidence, no matter what your size.