HELP!! Pushing my boyfriend away

[sammi_xxx]

Hey well i am 19 years old and i keep pushing my boyfriend away. Basically I have a problem with, anger, being needy and clingy and really emotional. I can't afford counselling so please don't suggest that When i was younger, i got bullied in school i have no idea why and no one payed an interest in me until my boyfriend came along, I think that is why i act like this towards him. I really need to stop because i dont want to lose him, his family hate me, I have no one to talk to besides him and i don't deserve him at all but I love him so much and i know he did...
I have been like this throughout the whole relationship, he is getting bored of the same routine, things don't go my way and we argue. We have got to the point now where he doesn't even want to see me I cant even say anything to him and he gets angry. We have a communication problem, it isn't just me that is the problem and he doesn't realize that.. he thinks that if i ask for something in the relationship he calls me demanding, gets angry and defensive about it and says he doesn't like being told how to be a boyfriend. This really frustrates me.
He is coming on holiday in 2 weeks with me and my family and he doesn't want to go now because of me, that is how bad it is getting.
I love him to bits but we can't go on the way we are, so i am asking for your advice, no mean comments please
Thankyou for reading!

[smackie9]

Sorry but there is no magic solution. Sometimes giving each other some space can settle things down, so agreeing that it would be best to not go on holidays together, would be a start. I suggest this because I know you both will be fighting like cats and dogs because he just can't leave...that is his fear. Doing this is your first step to change. You are probably at a gasp at the suggestion of him not going, but that is your clinginess and insecurity taking over.....you need to learn to control this reaction. You need to get over the fear that you are losing control over the situation. Just be calm and let it go. You can teach yourself this by stopping yourself, walk away, count to 30, take long slow breaths to calm down and clear your mind. Then analyze your initial reaction, and not the situation. Then think of a different approach, it's called compromise. You have to realize in order to make things work you have to learn to bend a little. Stop wining or complaining if he wants to do something different, or if he wants to not go do something with you....he is not rejecting you, he needs his space, and so should you. If he wants space, get busy doing things for yourself, hang out with friends, have a life outside your relationship, and stop thinking about what he is doing. You need to gain some independence and with that you become confident and not so dependent on him to give you a life.

[HeartIsAching]

Hey well i am 19 years old and i keep pushing my boyfriend away. Basically I have a problem with, anger, being needy and clingy and really emotional. I can't afford counselling so please don't suggest that When i was younger, i got bullied in school i have no idea why and no one payed an interest in me until my boyfriend came along, I think that is why i act like this towards him. I really need to stop because i dont want to lose him, his family hate me, I have no one to talk to besides him and i don't deserve him at all but I love him so much and i know he did...
I have been like this throughout the whole relationship, he is getting bored of the same routine, things don't go my way and we argue. We have got to the point now where he doesn't even want to see me I cant even say anything to him and he gets angry. We have a communication problem, it isn't just me that is the problem and he doesn't realize that.. he thinks that if i ask for something in the relationship he calls me demanding, gets angry and defensive about it and says he doesn't like being told how to be a boyfriend. This really frustrates me.
He is coming on holiday in 2 weeks with me and my family and he doesn't want to go now because of me, that is how bad it is getting.
I love him to bits but we can't go on the way we are, so i am asking for your advice, no mean comments please
Thankyou for reading!

You're insecure, which causes the needy/clingy stuff. You have an inadequate understanding of anger and what causes it, and you're controlling. All of those things you can get help for. I'm fairly certain that there is help available for you on a sliding-scale cost basis, there usually is for people with low income.

This link: [url=http://eqi.org/anger.htm]Anger[/url] might help you to understand anger a little better.

[sammi_xxx]

thankyou for both the replies! and smackie9 we booked the holiday when we were okay but thankyou anyway

[smackie9]

I didn't assume you were in turmoil when planning this vacation, what I was saying is don't force him to go if he doesn't.....if he doesn't feel comfortable about it, then fine go without him.

[sammi_xxx]

but he can't afford the charges he would have to pay for cancelling

[smackie9]

He's a big boy, he will be able to handle the responsibility of that if he has too. He could be just all talk, just leave him alone for awhile and let him figure it out for himself.

[deeblondie82]

I think that without the anger.. you need to sit him down and talk to him how you feel, how your past was and how its affected your present state. You need counselling and I know it cost but I am sure there are councilors that do it for free. Or a friend who is amazing at giving advice but you need to work on you! You cant be with someone and expect them to forgive you or be with you if you cant help yourself. You need to get over this anger or it will bury you alive.

[keith905]

I'm curious, are you asking on advice on how to control your anger and be less needy?

I've dated girls like you so I have some experience with them.

[sammi_xxx]

I talked to him today nice and calmly, he knows about my past. I have asked him to support me with it so we can have a better relationship, is that a bad thing to do?

And yes Keith905 it would help

[keith905]

sammi, it's hard to tell someone what they need to do be less needy and control your anger. you could search for books or read up online.

But if you think about what insecurity is, you can focus on what you need to change. If you're insecure about yourself, you can't just tell yourself to be more secure. You have to work on yourself. One good book I strongly recommend is Zig Ziglar's "See you at the top." Do things that build yourself up. Things that make you feel good about yourself. Do positive things for yourself and others. By building yourself up, you will find insecurities slowly diminish.

As far as your anger is concerned, it's a little more difficult. It's about impulse behavior. It's about keeping your emotions in check. The best I can say right now is I used to be a restaurant manager and would lose my cool because that's what I was taught on how to manage. But when I went to another company, I learned that it's not the proper way to act. It was about me learning that my anger was counter-productive. I taught myself that. I learned that when I wasn't in control, it actually made the situations worse. Overall, it's about re-training your brain to understand that releasing your anger makes things worse, not better. I also learned from my father it's better to release your anger but the truth is, it rarely is. You can be angry but how you release it and express it is a different manner.

[celestina]

I think this guy is not right for you. He's not the only guy in the world you know! There are guys who are into girls who are "needy and clingy and really emotional" and who have no problem comforting their girlfriends at all when they need it. I think you would be happier with a guy like that, and at 19, trust me, you have all the time in the world to meet one.

I understand perfectly about being emotional because of being bullied in school and all, and about caring very much about this guy coz he is the first who's been giving you attention... But at this point, it sounds like he's already gone. If he really saw a change in you maybe things could be reversed, but you would have to show blatant signs of maturity, understanding, and independence, which I don't think you are ready for at the moment. Try if you will, though.

You could read my thread if you want, [url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/56628-how-fix-something-went-wrong.html[/url] I had a problem not too different from yours just recently. Maybe it'll help you understand a thing or two about your own situation, hopefully?

I hope things work out well for you. Good luck.

[sammi_xxx]

thankyou celestina I will have a look