When 1 tells you, you think about it. When another tells you.. you realize it's you.

[Raden]

Hello all

First time post and its super long. Sry for the long post : (

I'm looking for some advice from a woman's point of view, but first some background
info.

I was in a relationship for almost 13 years with my X girlfriend.
We met at high school and married at 24 but at 26, we started to grow. We grew in different
directions and sadly, we ended our marriage.

Well we were still dating we had some on / off time because of one of us moved away from
the other or various problems and in that time apart, we dated other people in between, but
those relationships were short lived and we always ended up back with each other.

Years latter and divorced, we still tried to be friends and communicate through short
texts from time to time but sometimes, they turned into fights.

In one fight she said something that kind of caught my attention
She explained to me that "sometimes she just needed to feel wanted"
I didn't get what she was saying and thought about it, but didn't get much
out of it.

Roll ahead a few years. I've been dating a new women for 2 years and its great.
I love this girl to death but like any couple, we have a fight from time to time.
In one fight over text she says to me "sometimes I just want to feel wanted"

And this time, those words sent a shiver down my spine.
I dont get it. What am I doing wrong? I'm trying to learn from past mistakes
to try and avoid making the same ones but if someone doesn't explain to me
what this means.... how can I learn?

I understand I am a very independent person. It was the way I was brought up.
I learned very quickly in life that the only person I could rely on if I needed something,
was myself. But I always make time for my GF. I always try to protect her and take care of her.

Like one time, shes in college right now and one day told me that she was soooo tired from study and
work. So I went out the next morning, bought super soft $200 sheets and pillowcases for the bed,
bought her a super soft $100 nightgown and found scented candles and tea. When she came home,
I ran her a tub, gave her the new nightgown and just laid and cuddled with her for hours
as she passed out.

If I didn't "want" her.. I wouldn't have bothered trying to help her catch up on her ZZZZ's. What is it I'm doing to make not one... but two women now feel I don't want them
despite showing them that ... I want them. I tell her I love her. I try to be affectionate despite being told
from past women that I'm not the most affectionate person sometimes. We cuddle and our sex life is great.
I try every chance I get to help her with any of lifes problems.

So I'm at a total loss as to what it is I'm doing to make her feel unwanted.

[Agnus]

It's all about energy. It's like building rapport. When you visualize a girl in your mind, at first you see her contracted and cold as if something prevented from penetrating her aura. But if you don't give up and proceed, you see many details as if she herself showed her most intimate parts. Where does the information come from? It comes from her. And this is the moment she feels wanted.

Channel your sexual energy into your visualizing.
http://www.mindreality.com/psychic-seduction-turn-others-on-with-your-mind

[itsmeezgi]

the whole thing may be quincidance so when i'm asking you think about your girlfriend right now, when you fight with your girlfriend, is she the one that fixes the problem? most of the time is she the one with the first step? maybe most of the time or everytime, she makes the first step so she thinks she's the only one to want/need the other, think about it

money and support isnt the whole thing sometimes, you just gotta be romantic, show her you passionately love her huh? hope this helps

[Raden]

the whole thing may be quincidance so when i'm asking you think about your girlfriend right now, when you fight with your girlfriend, is she the one that fixes the problem? most of the time is she the one with the first step? maybe most of the time or everytime, she makes the first step so she thinks she's the only one to want/need the other, think about it

money and support isnt the whole thing sometimes, you just gotta be romantic, show her you passionately love her huh? hope this helps

I did kind of chuckle when I read your response. You're totally right. She is the first one to try and fix things
when we have a fight. Mostly though, its because after a fight.. I really want some time to cool off before I say
anything because I know that when I'm angry about something.. nothing good comes out of my mouth.
So ill go for a drive or walk, take some alone time. But before I'm ready to sit down, she's in there trying
to assess the situation and fix it.

[qubits]

I get the same comments from time to time in my relationship. Most of the time they are accompanied with things like "We NEVER talk on the phone!" "You NEVER send me nice messages!" "You NEVER give me any attention!" When in reality, we have probably gone a total of 5 days out of 6 years where we didn't talk on the phone, and I send her nice messages frequently, perhaps twice a week on average, and I am always heavily invested in whatever she is telling me about and want to be involved in her life. A lot of times, I feel like I know more of what is going on in her life than what is going on in my own, and I am constantly in communication with her and frequently tell her and explain to her how important she is to me because I really feel that way. Now, I will say, I am not always creative when it comes to new ways to say "I love you" and sometimes I am having a crappy day and don't want to talk about someone on Facebook that my girlfriend knew in high school that I have never met and will have zero chance of meeting ever so I am not necessarily as responsive and engaged, but usually I am, and I can make myself legitimately care about a pair of shoes she is talking about because I care about her and I know that she doesn't enjoy talking about most of my interests even in the slightest (but kindly pretends to).

It sounds very similar to your situation. Most of the time, when we would fight, I would keep my mouth shut and just think, which would of course make her furious. A few times, I lost it, and I am ashamed of the vindictive things I said out of spite. We always worked it out, and we have had some good talks about this kind of thing. What is interesting is that she has no idea why she doesn't feel wanted, that is clear from our discussions, but she does give clues and I have been able to find out some things that have helped a little. The reason she doesn't know is because it cannot be determined logically, it is an emotional thing and is thus not constrained by logic and nobody can truly understand it. All in all, we have survived 6 years, long distance, many fights, holding out for an undetermined marriage date in the future, many differences in our interests, religious views, and way of thinking, and we are more passionate and in love now than we were that first month. Our love is iron clad, we are best friends, and I am still amazed with how hot she is.

When in reality, we have probably gone a total of 5 days out of 6 years where we didn't talk on the phone, and I send her nice messages frequently, perhaps twice a week on average, and I am always heavily invested in whatever she is telling me about and want to be involved in her life. A lot of times, I feel like I know more of what is going on in her life than what is going on in my own, and I am constantly in communication with her and frequently tell her and explain to her how important she is to me because I really feel that way. Now, I will say, I am not always creative when it comes to new ways to say "I love you" and sometimes I am having a crappy day and don't want to talk about someone on Facebook that my girlfriend knew in high school that I have never met and will have zero chance of meeting ever so I am not necessarily as responsive and engaged, but usually I am, and I can make myself legitimately care about a pair of shoes she is talking about because I care about her and I know that she doesn't enjoy talking about most of my interests even in the slightest (but kindly pretends to).

Here is what's up. You are showing her that you want her, and any logical examination will attest to that, so she KNOWS you want her. But she wants to FEEL wanted. You aren't technically doing anything wrong, and as long as she isn't nuerotic, she will be able to run the math in her head when she is feeling lonely and realize that you do a whole lot for her and that you do care and want her. But she wants dripping wet emotion, not knowledge.

But if you really want to blow her mind, you have to make her FEEL wanted. You need to surprise her. It shouldn't make logical sense, like taking care of her or noticing how she is feeling or going out of your way to do something kind. It should be out of the blue, and make no sense.

You should all of the sudden act like you WANT her more than anything, almost in a sexual way, but not as if you are objectifying her, so not just that you want her body, but that you want all of her passionately. You probably shouldn't act like this all the time, or she will get bored. You have to strike a balance, too many "I need to feel wanted"s and she feels neglected, and too few and she gets bored, either way the price of your shared dental plan will suddenly become a huge fight.

Now how do you make her FEEL wanted? Well, I can't answer that, I haven't quite figured it out yet myself. But sometimes it helps to just out of the blue have a spontaneous personality adjustment, grab her in public and put your arm around her, pull her close and tell her you had a dream about her, and then muffle her reply with your lips, or something to that effect to surprise her, and put on a show about how much you want her right then and there.

It is a drama act, but it isn't a lie. I get good responses when I use do this type of thing (though I don't do it often or it loses its value, as so many other romantic gestures have, you have to constantly be inventing new ways to make her feel). Even though I am not actually completely overcome by an irresistible urge to pretend to be in a romantic comedy, (and I more realistically had a dream that I defeated an army of grizzly bears wearing jetpacks with my friend Jake who for some reason looked like a blonde chick), I do really want her (a lot) and this is an effective way to communicate that through the language barrier between men and women.

[Raden]

I would like to respond to you qubits's with an equally long response as I hate it when you write paragraphs of stuff to
people on forums or text messages and all you get back is "lol" or "nice" and it drives me crazy.
But honestly.. I dont have much to add except,
I have read your response and think I understand.
Thank you for the information and time because until you spelt it out for me... I honestly just didn't get it.

[Wakeup]

I try every chance I get to help her with any of lifes problems.

This is not making HER feel like she is wanted. This is making you feel like you're needed. For her to feel like she's wanted, I'm thinking she needs to be able to help you with something, so that she feels like she's needed too.

[Raden]

This is not making HER feel like she is wanted. This is making you feel like you're needed. For her to feel like she's wanted, I'm thinking she needs to be able to help you with something, so that she feels like she's needed too.

Thats the hard part about being very independant. Honestly... anyone including family that I have let into my life to try and help me when I needed it most .. has failed me miserably.