Feel my partner is disloyal/dishonest

[BrightEyes1979]

Sorry for long post but really want to explain issue in depth if I can. Sorry for rambling too. Please forgive me.

I’m 32 and my partner is 22.



We’ve had our ups and downs as any couple has had. Neither of us have many friends, we seem to get by on our own or so I thought.



In June 2011 she graduated and was looking for work. She didn’t find anything in the discipline she wants to work in (due to market competitiveness) but took up a job in retail to get her by.



Prior to that, she didn’t have much confidence as she hadn’t worked in many places before, and where she had worked (waitressing) she had had some really horrible bosses/supervisors who had been downright rude and nasty to her, leading to a vicious circle of little confidence. At the same time, at University the friends she did have then had been quite horrible to her.



What she wanted most in this new job was to fit in; both in terms of feeling competent in her job but also to meet lots of new people and hopefully manage to strike up friendships with other colleagues.



The job was in a new store and she’s settling in really well. We’ve not been able to spend the same time together recently as we did when she wasn’t working – I work 8 till 5 Monday-Friday and go to bed about 10pm, but she’s on shifts and for the past month has been doing 12-8pm shifts 5 days a week, including one of Saturday/Sunday.



I thought things were ok and although she’s raised the subject a few times, we had a chat and my view is that this would sort itself out over time as she wouldn’t always be working these kinds of shifts.



She has made one good girlfriend (lets call her Jacqui) who she’s been out clubbing with a few times, and one good male friend (lets call him Allan) who she texts an awful lot.



I’ve made a few jokes about this as Allan is 17 and have had a bit of banter about him looking for a y older lady. At the time, I assumed that she genuinely did have a friendship only with this guy; he also has a girlfriend. Maybe both parts of that are still true.



We had a few arguments last week again about the same issue of the time we’re able to spend with each other and thought again we’d resolved this. But whilst she was out on Friday she was texting Allan between 1-3.30am.



I only know this as I looked through her phone on Sunday lunchtime. I knew at the time this was wrong and I still do, but on Saturday night she was texting whilst we were lying on the couch and I asked her who if it was Jacqui who she was out with the night before, and she was really cagey about it, and immediately after that I’d saw her delete her entire list of sent items which I could see were all to Allan and thought that was really odd. Although she did say that she’d spent most of the night texting Allan as her friend Jacqui had been dancing most of the time and my girlfriend had got really drunk quickly and couldn’t dance so wanted to sit down.



So yeah I looked through her phone on Sunday lunchtime. I could only see the messages Allan had sent her (as her sent items were deleted) but to my horror I saw things like him saying:-

“Not keeping me awake at all./ Think my text took ages to send or something, sorry! Have a chat to me about it and tell me all these things you said you have to tell me. I'm here all night! xx” 10/09/11 02:25

“I was just playing pal, know you wouldn't ignore me! Do you want to have a chart about the problems with your boyfriend? Maybe once you're out the club so that the conversation isn't destroyed by your signal :p xx” 10/09/11 02:41

“Well we can just make the most of whatever signal you're getting just now then (: What sort of problems are you having with him? And what's making you consider leaving rather than staying to fix the issues? Can't support you if I don't know your thoughts, ya? (: xx” 10/09/11 02:58

“Perhaps you could ask for a break from the relationship to see what it's like apart? Might do you the world of good and then you still have the chance to go back to the relationship. But honestly, if you're not happy you're not happy. Whatever you do I'm here to suppport you pal. Just remember that. Don't be afraid of being left to fight alone anymore because you're stuck with me now (: xx” 10/09/11 03:13

Then the following morning:-

“Not quite morning anymore! HaHa Don't you be apologizing! I like the fact you came to me because you trust me. It's not a bad thing. (: What do you feel paranoid about? If you still need a chat, cry or rant about stuff you know I'm here! I know you weren't ignoring me, I was just playing. I actually thought maybe your boyfriend was stopping you or something since you said he was really uptight before. Knew it wasn't your fault either way xx” 10/09/11 12:27

“I only spent like fifty quid haha girlfriend's parents took us out. refused to take a penny towards the bills. Aye, he said to me that back to school was just becomgin back to uni because we had so much stock. Cheeky likes. See, I don't believe you. From everything I've hear it sounds like you've just been forced into submission and blame yourself for everything. You always put yourself down and its quite obvious. You're a wondefrful person, pal. Start believing in. (: xx” 11/09/11 01:41

So it was pretty obvious to me what she was saying from reading between the lines of the conversation.



I genuinely didn’t mind the level of texts she was sending prior to finding this out as I could understand her need to have friends and really wanted this for her too.



I just don’t know what to do now as loyalty and trust are two of the biggest things for me in a relationship. What does that say about our relationship, that surely she should come to me about her problems, but she didn’t and went to some bloke she has met and really only conversed with via text for little over a month? Not much, and it makes me really sad.



I feel so empty inside knowing that our problems are being shared with someone she knows and who, in my view, wants into her pants. I wasn’t jealous in the slightest before I saw these texts, even although I knew she was texting Allan quite a lot. I was really happy that she had a friend who wanted to chat to her via text or in person, I defended that to my brother/sister when they asked how she was getting on in her new job and I was telling them she’s made some nice friends and they thought it was odd that I was ok with her texting a male 17 year old a lot. Now it makes me really angry, I find it really hard to deal with someone else being involved in our problems, for me a relationship is about sorting them out together.



The fact that she’s said to some person that she’s known for just a month that she is considering leaving me, yet won’t tell me that to my face. I don’t know what’s going



Also, I was never uptight about her texting someone else, even male. I’d got annoyed one night when we were having a romantic night in and watching a movie and she was texting all night, but other than that as I said earlier I was delighted for her. I wish I was still now. She has lied about that to him, i don’t know why and i don’t understand it.



I also can’t get out of my head that if I hadn’t saw this, then things would be continuing normally and all the time these conversations about our future are going on behind my back.



It is hurting me so much, I feel like I’m a teenager all over again not 32, I can’t bring myself to confront her about it but she knows something is wrong as I’ve not been able to look properly into her eyes since Sunday lunchtime. She’s probably relaying all this to Allan; in a way I almost want her to be (I feel like I want to punish her) so I can see exactly what she is saying about me behind my back (I think the absence of her side of the conversation is really gnawing away at me even though I can deduce it from the replies she got).



I don’t know what to do – clearly I was in the wrong for looking through her phone, I wish I hadn’t. What really bothers me is that we had problems before and she gave every detail to her mum and it caused a real tension for a couple of months thereafter as her mum obviously (and quite rightly) provided her with support.



We talked about that and we agreed that problems between us would be discussed and resolved between us in future, not involving a third party where other people become involved through one side of a story. I never did, and still have not, discussed this with anyone who knows either of us as it causes difficulties beyond that. I thought she would do the same. I feel I’ve been betrayed twice. My mum has a saying I try to use as a guide for many things – make a fool of me once, maybe twice, but never a third time. I feel my partner has made a fool of me twice now and my mum’s saying was basically give someone a second chance, but never a third chance.



She also is putting a great deal of trust in Allan yet she hardly knows him! I feel a massive sense of disloyalty and dishonesty in her that I don’t think I can regain at all.



I think of my life without my girlfriend and how sad I would be – in so many ways she is perfect for me. I just don’t know if I can cope knowing that even if I raise this issue and we sort things out and she doesn’t leave me, she’ll still be in contact with Allan and I think that would destroy me with worry thinking that she’s going to be discussing our relationship with him behind my back.



I also don’t trust this guy any more. In some ways he seems like a nice guy, but in others I think he’s just a testosterone fuelled young male who is leading my partner up his garden path and into the bedroom.



My previous long-term girlfriend cheated on me with several guys behind my back and destroyed my confidence, it took me a long time to regain it; and my partner helped me so much with that. I just feel like this is the start of that cycle again - well that's what my heart tells me but my head is saying I'm maybe reading WAY too much into it.



Sorry for the rambling. I’m so confused.

[bulrush]

Your current gf is hding something from you, and that is hurting you. Why would you stay with someone like that? I say, time for you to move on.

[1M50L0NL3y]

Well it seems she likes to play the victim huh? First about her employers/supervisors not liking her, then the same about her university friends, and now about you and the relationship. Who is the constant in all the situations? HER. It seems she has some major issues. She is just so insecure that she needs validation from a 17 year old boy to dump you. She can't even think for herself. I would stop snooping her stuff, and just dump her. Anyway, she will dump you as soon as she convince that teenage kid you are evil, and he backs her up. Next time try to search for someone a little more mature, and with mental stability.
This situation is doomed, I'm sorry, but there's not much you can do. In her imaginary world you're the bad guy and her kid friend is her savior. It's all in her mind. I find disturbing that someone who is 32 years old is drowning in this glass of water.
Just let her go. Sooner rather than later, or you will suffer.. A LOT.

[Andariel]

I appreciate it bothers you she is talking about your relationship with him but they are friends and girls loooooove talking about their relationship (and any inherent problems) with their mates. We analyse everything with our friends and they usually offer support and understanding (even if we aren't right!) and this is what your girl is doing with her friend. Just because he happens to be a guy it does not mean he wants to bed her! She hasn't committed a crime, she was just having a discussion with her friend.She has the right to talk about anything she wants if it is bothering her.

You two are obviously having serious problems if she is considering leaving you so stop wondering why she talked to him instead of you; there are more pressing issues at hand. She is just 22 and it is normal to be having doubts about your relationship, especially if she is not feeling fulfilled.Perhaps she feels stifled (her friend's reference to you being controlling). You may not think you are being controlling but obviously that is how she feels.

I am sure that you are happy she has finally made some friends but on some level I feel it bothers you (maybe uncosnciously) as you are no longer the centre of her universe and you need to adjust to this new situation. Why not sit down with her and have an open and honest discussion?

Asking her not to discuss your relationship with anyone but you is unreasonable. You essentially trying to forbid her to talk about something is of course creating tensions.If you start accusing her about it and making demands you will only drive her further away. There are probablyother issues as well, so just have a chat about it and try to see if you can work things out.