Desperately Unhappy

[Stuart]

Please help me, I am in urgent need of advice.

I am 38 years old, have been married for 14 years and we have three children. While I should be happy, I am the opposite - desperately, desperately unhappy. Our marriage is deteriorating fast and I cannot see why.
My wife has been pushing me away for months now. I can do absolutely nothing right - when it comes to the house, her, our children, my job - it's always wrong. Every single thing I do is constantly criticised and there is no love or affection between us at all. Whenever I try to talk to her she will push me away, saying that I just get on her nerves and to leave her alone.
The last time we had sex was in December 2006. She's one year younger than me, 37, so there is no great age difference. After the birth of our third child in August last year I didn't pressurise her into anything but now if ever I try to suggest it in the right atmosphere (letting her know how desirable I find her) she will get angry and say that she won't do anything as I simply 'don't do it for her anymore' (her words exactly).

The other day we had a row when she told me off for something that was completely outside of my control and she said that as far as she is concerned things would be better for her if I weren't here but as we have three young children she is stuck with me.

Although I'm married in name, in the emotional sense I feel so alone. There are whole days when she will not speak to me, and if I try to spark up conversations she will just walk away. By pure coincidence i recently bumped into a girl I'd been mad about at school when we met at 12 years old. We hadn't seen each other for 22 years and I found years after leaving school through friends of friends that she had felt the same way. Normally I think if I had bumped into this woman it would have just rekindled some distant memories. However, the regrets of my inaction all those years ago have been eating me up as I am so unhappy at home as I cannot understand what I have done wrong.

I feel so unhappy and constantly depressed. I have always tried to be a good husband and father, and cannot understand why she has turned against me. I've always been faithfull, attentive and loving. What can I do? I am close to tears and can't cope with this any longer.

[shh!]

The feelings you have for your wife (and hers for you) will ebb and flow over the course of a long-term marriage, and when you are in a period of downturn, of course that makes the grass look awfully green everywhere else. I think you should forget about the other girl - she is just the fantasy you are clinging to in your desperation and lonliness.

About your relationship - I'm not sure what the problem is, and while I generally think it is a good idea to stick out the tough times (barring extreme circumstances) for the sake of the children, I don't think it is healthy to do so when the couple cannot really even be nice to each other. I really think you need to seek some therapy with a marital therapist so you can change the way you relate to each other and perhaps rekindle what was once there. The example you are providing your children isn't healthy.

[Dasein]

I think the big question is do you want your marriage to work?

If so then I would suggest counselling.

What I would do in your situation is do the "we need to have a talk". Book it in like an appointment and don't let your wife out of it. Tell her that you are very unhappy with the marriage and would like to attend counselling. If she baulks at the idea then I think you have the right to suggest that if things don't change then you will be leaving.

If it has been a year since the birth of your child then maybe she might have post-partum?

You are in a very difficult situation because of the children - and a young child at that. I think therapy would be the best step as you both obviously need help and you can't live this way.

Good luck.

[Stuart]

You're quite right about the other girl. I am certainly not going to do anything about her as I am very much in love with my wife and I just want things to go back the way they were.

How can I get her to tell me what the problem is? I have tried and tried and she will just not talk to me - everything is all fine in front of the children but anything to do with just the two of us and she will want nothing to do with me.

I haven;t yet suggested counselling as I am worried as to how she will react. Anything I do to try and keindle things are just thrown back in my face. It's almost as if she thinks I have done something wrong (which I haven't but how can I prove to her something that hasn't happened), or that she has met another man and won't leave me outright due to the children. I can't think of any other possibilities.

Is it possible for me to recapture her love for me? I am still the same man she has known for 16 years, and lived with for the past 14. For example, on Wednesday it was a cold wet evening. The children were all tired and were all fast asleep by early evening. I very gently and romantically suggested sex and she just laid into me saying she thought she'd made it perfectly clear that she no longer finds me attractive in that way - she then refused to even come to bed all night and slept in one of the spare rooms. I haven't been suggesting sex constantly but only occasionally and always very, very gently.

I still love her and fancy her as much as ever, but I cannot work out why she doesn't feel the same about me and why she is being so cruel to me other than the two possibilities above.

[ecojeanne]

you never know your wife could be sufferring from post natal depression maybe?...not sure how long that lasts....i agree with dasein to get help

[shh!]

I don't know how old your children are, but they are exhausting when they are very young. She may be simply overwhelmed with them. Are you as involved as you should be? Also, to be blunt - I don't think suggesting sex is a good plan if you haven't been connecting on an emotional level. Women need to feel as though all is well outside the bedroom in order to get along inside the bedroom.

You need counseling. Do you belong to a religious organization? The pastor/rabbi/imam/whatever can probably do some basic stuff with you for free, or refer you out if necessary.

[Stuart]

ssh!

Our children are 5, 3 and 1. I do try to be as involved as I can be - I work but I start and finish reasonably early. I am always home by 3pm so I can pick the eldest up from school, bath them, help with dinner and put them to bed. And at weekends I never go out on my own but make sure I spend it with the family.

Perhaps you are right about my suggestions not being appropriate. I do suggest lots of other things as well (such as a meal out, a walk in the park etc) but she just refuses. And altough I love her to bits and have been patient, just how patient am I expected to be (that sounds bad I know, but I have needs and feelings as well). After our youngest was born in Aug 07 I left it six months before I even remotely bought the subject up.

We are both Catholics, and I am not sure what help our priest could be, but perhaps counselling may help if I can convince her to go. The trouble is I would be going to it without knowing what the problem is in the first place.

[shh!]

Wow, those ages are a handful!

Of course you have needs that deserve to be addressed, but I can tell you from experience that after having kids crawling all over you all day, whining and crying while you are chronically sleep-deprived, the idea of your husband crawling all over you at night is sometimes more than a girl can stand. (Sorry, I'm being honest.) For me, those feelings were transitory, if that makes you feel any better. Maybe she could just use a break, you know? Could you send her out to lunch and to get her nails done on a weekly basis?

I don't know how much more helpful anyone can be since we don't have a clue about your wife's state of mind. Definitely make an appointment to talk to whichever priest you think your wife would be most willing to talk to.

[Stuart]

Ssh!

Thank you for your advice. Perhaps I am best advised to forget about trying to initiate any sex and to try and see if I can persuade her to get some professional help with me.

Stuart

[Stuart]

Ecojanne
Thanks for the suggestion. That could also be a possibility in addition to the other two I had considered.

[Dasein]

Stuart Shh is right.

When you have children and have to take care of them for the majority of the time you don't feel terribly sexy. Some woman also suffer from body issues post the birth of a baby and depression. If she has never been this way to you before then I am hedging my bets on her being overwhelmed and a bit depressed.

If you really want this to work I think trying to connect in other ways is best. I know the youngest child is little but could any family take the kids even for a night?

I would even do things like offer a massage to your wife or prepare her a bath and wine. Often I just offer a massage to my partner for no apparent reason and he really loves and appreciates it. It says that you care about how they are feeling with no gain for yourself.

I do think ultimately you are going to have to have therapy. Even if you are scared of her reaction. She needs to understand how you feel also.

[NeoSeminole]

this is why I'm against marriage. Sorry OP, but you're f*cked. Hope you enjoy living with a nagging b*tch who doesn't put out.

[ecojeanne]

this is why I'm against marriage. Sorry OP, but you're f*cked. Hope you enjoy living with a nagging b*tch who doesn't put out.

omg! Neo that was an awful thing to say

[NeoSeminole]

it's the truth. She criticizes him about everything, treats him like shit, and hasn't slept with him in almost 2 yrs.

[Dasein]

it's the truth. She criticizes him about everything, treats him like shit, and hasn't slept with him in almost 2 yrs.

So their 1 year old child must have been the immaculate conception..or the milkman's.