What does 'taking things slow' mean? (ex bf)

[pinkinterlude]

Okay, so I met up with my ex yesterday after 2 weeks no contact. We had split up 3 weeks earlier. Ive been on here before so the whole story is on here somewhere.
He basically wants to get back together but he 'wants to take things slowly and see how things develop' - what does this mean apart from the obvious?

We were together 7 months, he wasnt over his ex of 3 years; she ended it badly and it was coming between us, cos he became withdrawn etc, but said everything was fine when I asked him.

still spoke afterwards, him mainly initating it, he kept turning up at my house/calls/texts/ on fri nights but was still confused. I told him no contact til he decides. He knows I want things to work as long as he wants to and wants to get over his ex. His says he does.

2 weeks NC: contacts me on Thurs, He played a gig on friday night, (the first one without me there), he text me loads, literallly telling me everything that was going on. In his last text he asked if we could meet up 'he needed to talk about things'. I wasnt sure what to make of this but we met up anyway.

At first he was just chatting away. I tried to be a bit distant and not so chatty cos he said he wanted to talk but its so hard not to with him. He told me he had been invited out, one; to see a friends band with his best mate and two; drinks with his workmates. He didnt seem to be saying anything about us so I just told him I'd let him get on with his plans but he said they werent plans and that he couldnt really be bothered doing either.

Again things were going around in circles, so I just said I dont know why youve even invited me to come out and he said it was because he wanted to see me, and that he had missed me. He asked if I wanted to go to see the band but I said I didnt know, because I didnt know what his intentions were. He said lets go cinema, but I told him, I thought he wanted to talk and I dont want to leave things up in the air again. I need a yes or a no answer from him, instead of just assuming.

He told me its a yes, that he enjoys spending time with me, that when he thinks about me, he can never think of any negatives, he says we get along really well and he really likes me but doesnt want to hurt me again because of his problems.

He said he wants to take things slowly and 'see how things develop'. At first I wasnt happy told him that thats been said to me before and I never really saw the guy again, but he said he wants to see me again. In the end, I went home and he went out with his workmates.

an hour later, he text me saying he was going home cos he wasnt in the mood. I apologised for acting awkward earlier and that it was cos I dodnt know what to make of everything. But I told him that I am willing to take things slow if he still wants that cos I want things to work and I enjoy spending time with him. He replied back saying he understands and feels the same.

So is this really worth doing?

I feel like its a step back from where we were I know it'll be hard.
We moved quite fast last time, literally spoke every day

So has anyone got any do's and don't's for taking it slow in a relationship (especially with an ex)?

How often should I contact him?

What does 'take things slow' in this situation?
Thanks

[tropigal82]

Hey,. I am in a (sort of) similar situation. (see my thread 'My Boyfriend Wants To Be Friends Before Being Lovers).

To be honest I don't have much advice as this is all new to me too. Personally I am finding it very difficult. We had an intense romance and then recently he seemed to become withdrawn and said we should take things 'slow.' Except then a week later he said we should 'be friends'. So I said "so we are not even dating anymore???" and he replied "we are still dating, as friends." And now he won't kiss me or hold my hand. So I wonder whether he is not over his ex, or something, as in your case. He hasn't told me.
I'm confused, and frustrated, but I love him and I want things to work out, but I can't stand being in limbo, being 'friends that are dating', it doesn't make sense....

Good luck with your relationship anyway, I hope it works out for you. All I can say is, like me, you will probably become a bit frustrated at not knowing where you stand... being neither fully committed nor fully apart, yet emotionally involved. It makes it even harder not to contact them too, because there's no sense of certainty. If he doesn't text me for a day or two I am thinking, "is this the beginning of the end?" which I know is stupid but you start reading way too much into everything.

[Petit Papillon]

Maybe You wouldn't have trouble finding answers for Your questions if You would keep Your whole situation in one thread,and just kept on updating... Since 2 weeks You created already 7 threads...
If You keep everything in one place, people will have easier to create advices ,having overview on Your whole relationship...

[pinkinterlude]

Ive been stuck in limbo for 3 weeks now, but now whereas I know what he is thinking about us and how he feels, I don't know whether he is my boyfriend or he's open to see other people? Though hes not really that type, and when we had our talk, I told him I had reservations and that I didnt want to get hurt, and he said he didnt want to hurt me.

I don't even know if that's what he thinks of us too, 'friends that are dating' cos he says he enjoys spending time with me and he misses me. I know what you mean about things going from intense to just like this. Its difficult, its like taking a step back.

He was quite touchy feely with me in the sense he'd put his cold hands on my face and play fight, like poke me etc, like he used to, and he still called me the nickname he used to always call me. I think at one point he did try to hold my hand when I took my hand out of my pocket, but I didnt realise at the time.

I don't know if this is just a phase and after a few weeks we'll lapse back into how we were. But at the minute, this uncertainity is almost as bad as before. I just hope things get better.

I hope everything with you works out, I really do, I know things are hard to deal with, but just hang on in there. Its not stupid, I do the exact same thing, just try and focus on other things. I know its easier said than done. thanks for your advice.

[pinkinterlude]

Pettit-Papillon; Im glad you are keeping an update and thank you for your advice, I apologise for littering the forum, but theres not much I can do about it now. Plus; I wanted a male perspective, which was why posted in the ask a male section and not in the other sections.

[Petit Papillon]

It doesn't matter where You post. Mostly everybody check and respond in every forum anyway . Just try from now on

[jessZ]

It sounds like you're at his mercy and that is exactly where he wants you. He isn making any firm committments because he doesn't want that. My guess is that he wants you to be available when it suits him, but is unsure whether he actually wants a relationship with you.

[pinkinterlude]

what would you suggest I do so I'm not at his mercy?

I understand what you mean, I kind of feel like he has the advantage but I knew he was confused and just thought if I told him how I felt and what I want then its one less thing for him to be confused about. Maybe I shouldnt have.

I told him if Im just a convenience thing then I want nothing to do with him. He said I'm not. Part of me thinks I should just not reply if he calls/texts, since last time I spoke to him, I told him I wanted things to work and was basically honest with him. Is this a good idea?

I just feel fed up now and think I need to get out. I dont want to be taken advantage of. Its just a shame cos our relationship before was great; met each other's families/friends/lived at each others houses etc. How can he just forget all that and 'take things slow'?

I might just do what I said, if he wants to be with me in the future when he's sorted his issues out, he knows where to find me, right?

[IncognitoSir]

You need to clear things up with him. Taking it slow means not rushing into things. Communicate with each other, thats something you two aren't doing, hence you have no clue where you stand with him and vice versa. Sit down and discuss what you want and what he wants.....thats where you start. If he needs time to get thru some issue, you can either wait with him or not wait. it's really up to you. Set your boundaries in the relationship with him and make it known to him what you need from him. Take the time to build a relationship together, communicate, communicate, communicate.

[Gigabitch]

It means he still wants access to your honey pot but doesn't want the responsibility of being your boyfriend.

It IS a step back.

[pinkinterlude]

Ive told him I want things to work which is why I said I'd try and take things slow like he asked. He told me he wants the same. But he hasnt got in touch since saturday and I was waiting for his lead. I told him I dont want to get hurt and he said he doesnt either and he doesnt want to hurt me. I made it clear that I felt like this was a step back, but he insists he just doesnt want to rush into things, and to see how things develop. he told me during our break up talk, I said maybe he had been transferring his feelings for his ex onto me, and he said he needed time to realise if this was true, and has come to realise that he likes me for me and enjoys spending time with me. And that before, at first I distracted him from what went on with his ex, but he developed feelings for me, but then questionned them when I said that.

Though if this is how slow he wants things to go, its almost at a standstill. I dont think i could do it.

aha he'll be going nowhere near my 'honeypot' anytime soon.

[grey]

Ive told him I want things to work which is why I said I'd try and take things slow like he asked. He told me he wants the same. But he hasnt got in touch since saturday and I was waiting for his lead. I told him I dont want to get hurt and he said he doesnt either and he doesnt want to hurt me. I made it clear that I felt like this was a step back, but he insists he just doesnt want to rush into things, and to see how things develop. he told me during our break up talk, I said maybe he had been transferring his feelings for his ex onto me, and he said he needed time to realise if this was true, and has come to realise that he likes me for me and enjoys spending time with me. And that before, at first I distracted him from what went on with his ex, but he developed feelings for me, but then questionned them when I said that.

Though if this is how slow he wants things to go, its almost at a standstill. I dont think i could do it.

aha he'll be going nowhere near my 'honeypot' anytime soon.

1. if you have been having sex with him while he's DECIDING then I agree he just still wants ur honeypot.

2. if you are NOT, then it is possible that he's being considerate while he decides.

3. If he has emotional problems and is depressed, then he could be still just general withdrawing from people and is scared to get hurt again. But be careful that you're still not his rebound until he finds someone HE DOES want to commit to