Breaking Up, Getting Back, Breaking Up again?

**Confused123** · 12-04-04, 03:19 PM

Desperately seeking answer:
Quick summary of situation: fell in love with a girl who I was with for 1.5 years. We were insanely in love with each other. She turned 19 and went to college. I'm finishing up college. I started getting the feeling that she was lying to me about things, and she was telling me things like she needed to find herself, but she can't live without me. She became distant and of course, instead of backing off I pursued even more (I see that now). When I
found out for sure that she was lying to me about things, I broke up with her. Although, I don't think she cheated on me, she was lying to me about various things.

She was destroyed. After a month of not talking, I was still in love with her and we talked. She asked me to get back
together...but she asked me to take things really slowly. It seemed to me that what she meant by that was one of two things or both, either we were getting back together so it would be easier to break up later, or we were getting back together so that she could find someone else while we were "together" and move on easier that way.
But for some reason (I loved her and missed her I guess) I decided to give it a chance and play it completely cool and let her get back into my life if she wanted. Well it's been about 3 weeks, and I've barelly seen her in that period, she acts like she's the center of the world and very self-righteous, and I'm acting like I'm cool and it doesn't really matter to me. The relationship isn't back to where it was, in fact it's further of than anything we ever had, it doesn't even feel like we're together.

Well, at this point I'm really tired of playing games or whatever it is, and I realize that we can't be together like this, but I am wondering what (if there is such a thing) a course of action would be to have a chance to get back together for real in the future.[/b]

Has anyone ever broke up, got together, and then broke up and got together again and has been in "true love" Any advice would be much appreciated.

**bluesummer** · 12-04-04, 03:33 PM

Yes, broke up with an ex I'd been with for 1.5 years, we got back together and stayed together for 3 years and a bit. Then the relationship just got old, and we were too young.

It won't happen, though, if you are both not totally in love with each other and totally want to make it work. It took months of tears, fights, and long long deep conversations to make it right again, but we both wanted it and were willing to make the effort. There is no 'easy way to do this. Just ask yourself this. Are BOTH of you willing to go through all the bullshit to make it work?

If yes, then congrats. If no, let it go.

**sfalexi** · 12-04-04, 10:09 PM

Exact same avatar. For a moment there I thought you were answering yourself . . .

I know a couple that is CONSTANTLY on the break up/get back together cycle. Since I've known them (and that was after they've been dating two years) they've broken up and gotten back together about 8 times. That's over the period of a year and a half. And Lord knows what's happened in the two years before that. Of course I think the guys crazy for dating her in the first place (she seems WAAAAAAAAAAY too high maintenance), but that's not my decision.

At this point when he says they broke up "For Good!" I say, "Sure thing Joe. Whatever."

It's not an uncommon situation to be on this cycle. It's just a matter of HOW MUCH are you willing to take. I don't like to be on a cycle like that and so I wouldn't bother doing it over and over. For my friend it doesn't seem to matter. Just do whatever you feel you're happy with.

Alexi

**Confused123** · 13-04-04, 03:09 AM

Thanks, guys.

I really love her and I think that she still really loves me, but when I broke up with her, I said don't come back to me unless you've figured things out...and when we got back together she still hadn't, but I took her back anyway. Will breaking up now still leave that chance for getting back together later...maybe much later? Or is it once you get back together under the wrong circumstances and break up again, it's over? Also does the no contact rule apply if we break up again this time?

**squirrley** · 13-04-04, 06:01 AM

If youre constantly breaking up and getting back together...theres no respect...and definetly some problems. Most relationships like this stay like that because the two involved are comfortable with what they know. So you keep coming back no matter how shitty it is. And everytime you do this it creates more problems.

SHE will figure herself out down the road, but why should you stick around and WAIT it out. What if she never does? Are you going to keep taking her back because she said shes figured herself out and to no avail she has NOT!

This relationship like others is not going anywhere. Its still mate!!!
Youve become accustomed to the security of it. Thats all. You tell one another you love eachother...but if that were REALLY the case...you wouldnt be constantly going through it. Sometimes love just enough...

I would tell her youre done. And mean it. She knows youve taken her back not once but twice...what does that say about you? Youre not showing any self respect. Stick up for yourself. LEt her know youre tired of the bs and youre moving on, you wish her well. But DONT sit around hoping that when she does change, she'll come running back to you. Dont hang on to the hope that her finding herself is going to be the answer for you. You need to let this one go...because I think you'll end up on the same vicious cycle over and over...

**Confused123** · 16-04-04, 05:52 AM

Yeah, I think that I see what must be done...kinda sad though. When women hit college they hit this I don't know what I want phase, meaning I want to be free do to whatever comes around, but she's stringing me along to be able to always fall back on me if things hit a rough spot, I guess. Wants her cake and wants to eat it too.
Is this a phase that girls come out of, or is it something that just stays with them for the rest of their life? When we started going out and she was in high school she was nice, caring, and very understanding. Now it seems that she's turned into a selfish kid who thinks that because there are so many new guys hitting on her and so many new experiences she can just be a b*itch.
I just can't understand how such a quick turnaround can happen?

Any one have any thoughts experiences?

**squirrley** · 16-04-04, 06:30 AM

Ya know every one is different. And college life tends to certainly change you...its new found freedom in every aspect.

Some people dont change and some do...but youre hoping that this is just a phase and things will work out in the end.

You CANT hold on to that thinking. She is on her own schedule and her own mission. YUP-you are her back up. You know that and see it...so you HAVE to let go...why are you still wanting to hang on? Youre not happy about ANYTHING that is happening here...

Confused its time to flush this fish!

**Yggdrasil** · 18-05-09, 11:35 PM

You break up, you get back together, you break up, you get back together... question: how many breakups and get back togethers does one need before one gets the hint that the relation is unhealthy? On top of that you're playing 'cool'. You're playing games. In other words: you're being DISHONEST to her and to YOURSELF. See things for what they really are: any relation with this person simply won't work in the long run. You're setting yourself up for major failure.