I guess i was right all along

[confucious]

Hi everyone. 1st time poster, long time visitor. I've decided after 2 years to share online my situation involving someone who I planned on being with the rest of my life. But since I'm posting here we all know that things didn't work out.

We were together for 2 years. Probably spent 96% of that time in each others physical presence. I can probably count on my hands the amount of serious phone conversations we had since we were almost always together. Regardless of the fact, we got along great.

To cut to the chase, I broke up with her because I had a really strong feeling of distrust towards her. There's much more but ill focus on that right now. There were situations that caused so much insecurity in me that I started thinking I was being paranoid. With the main one being her "close friend". I'm sure I don't have to tell you that it was a guy. Big surprise right! Anyway I tried my hardest to be understanding, but some things were impossible to ignore.

Ex.
Often while we were together at her place, he would call. For a long while I didn't notice or care that was happening. But one day I noticed that when her brother, friends, co-workers, etc would call her she would always in some way shape or form mention that I was there. Which was followed by the person on the phone telling her to tell me "wassup". But I started to notice that there would always be one person that called where this didn't happen. I found out soon after that it, was "him". I didn't pay it much mind for a while since afterall, I wasn't insecure, and she was pretty good to me and gave no reason for me to assume anything. What got me paying more attention was when I used her phone to call him once and she seemed a little hesitant at the idea. By the way I forgot to mention that me and him had known each other for 3 years before I met her. So we talked on the phone regularly in case you were wondering why I would call him. After that situation it started to stand out much more that she never acknowledged that I was there when he called. The pattern never changed. And to make matters worse, anytime they hung out, she didn't tell me. Where as with any and everyone else, she told me down to the minute where she was and with who. But again, I had no proof. Though I had reason to be suspicious, I was being "understanding" of their previous friendship.

Now here's where things get interesting. I knew him for about 3 years before I met her, she knew him for about 4. I met her at the hospital he was in during a fight with cancer(thankfully he made it). During a visit I was in there with him and one of his guy friends, and of course we start talking girls. Her name came up, and he said something to the effect of not looking at her in that way(romantic)and that she was just his good friend and he had no interest in her in that aspect. Fast forward 3 months to the 1st month of her and I dating, and she shares with me, the day that he expressed how much he liked her and how he's ALWAYS liked her? This happened a week before she told me. Red flag right...

During the course of the relationship the both of us knew that there was tension regarding that situation. It came up a few times with her saying that it was me. Of course I said it wasn't and asked her why she couldn't see why I would be at the very least suspicious. She said she wasn't attracted to him at all, and she was just very good friends with. She would say that I would act funny around him and that my facial expression would change. I didn't feel that was the case, but I don't know how I look. Maybe I did. But anytime the subject came up I asked the same question. "Can you at least see why I would be suspicious"?

1. He tells me he doesn't like you.
2. He tells you he likes you.
3. You never acknowledge my presence when he calls.
4. I can't remember the last time you told me you were hanging out with him.

Wait there's more. She's not met a single girl I've dated my whole life. I've met all 3 of her most recent boyfriends. One of which she said she doesn't talk to.(most recent). That was not true. And I believed til the day we broke up that she wasn't over him. She still talks to all 3.

Another case of not acknowledging my presence came at a party. Me and her went out for a friends b-day and while at the party one of her ex bf's showed up. How did I know it was her bf? Cuz she didn't tell me. I could tell by the way she hugged him and her interaction with him. That didn't bother me though. It was the fact that she not only didn't introduce me as her bf. She didn't introduce me at all. Sound familiar? It only stood out because she ALWAYS introduces me to people and is very big on that type of thing. Anyway I told her about during the ride home.

Back to her friend. By now we're towards the end. The best answer I've gotten from her about not acknowledging my presence is "I don't know". During some of those conversations she said that was making her feel like she had to choose. I didn't understand because I never wanted to break up their friendship. There was no decision to be made. Boyfriend-Friend. You can have both. I kept fighting with feelings of paranoia and insecurity when its not something I'm used to dealing with. So when the day finally came, I was a miserable wreck and it took all that was in me to tell her face to face that I don't think we should do this anymore. As the tears started coming down her face I thought about everything I could have done different and how much my life changed because of her(for the better). Then I started to cry. I almost couldn't believe how much I loved her. She was the 1st girl I had planned on having a future with......

2 years have passed and she's made no attempt to contact me in almost a year. I sent her an email on her birthday and got no response. I called her about a month ago and she didn't pick up. I still talk to "him". Never stopped. I even confronted him about the situation after it ended. His response to her not acknowledging my presence was logical. He had no idea I was there. Makes sense. His response to telling her he liked her after telling me he didn't....he admitted to it and said that from that point on he stepped back and never approached her in that way again. He seemed genuinely sorry at the idea that he could have been the reason we broke up. I assured him he wasn't. Me and him still talk regularly and I probably talk to him on the phone more than anyone coincedently.

I have found out that as recently as 2 months ago she went to visit him at graduate school(5hrs away). Before then, she went to visit him at the same place on what I was told was an attempt at something more than a friendship. This happened last year I believe. From what I hear it didn't work out the way she planned? Upon hearing this it was like we broke up all over again. I can't prove any of it, but it did prove that there was never any real closure and that I'm still not over her.

[cmacattack1]

What kind of closure do you need? Do you need her to tell you "Never to talk to me again"? Will that make you feel better? If she ever cared about you and still does, any kind of attempt to get information or an answer out of her will piss her off. Take the fact that she hasn't responded to your email or phone calls as signs she no longer interested and just leave her be. The more you chase, the more you push them away.

It's pretty obvious she has her issues to deal with. And as long as she runs from those issues trying to land in the arms of guys she broke up with in the past or other guys anyway, they won't go away. They will nag and nag at her until she finally hits the maturity point where she can accept responsibility for her actions. If she can't do that, she could never be in a relationship with you and have it work out anyway.

I know you can't help how you feel and I'm sure she will always have a special place in your heart. You have to be realistic about this though and remind yourself that even if she does want to be with you, she can't be. She has to grow up and mature on her own. I know it's been two years since the break up, but if you are oblvious to your issues, that's not that long a time period at all. It takes serious time, effort, and self awareness to become a better person. You should strive for something better, not somebody that basically used you to get over somebody else and lied to you about her actions and likes the attention she gets from other people. This is not what a devoted girlfriend is. This is somebody that is confused, doesn't know what she wants and somebody that can't give you their full one hunderd percent. Have a little respect for yourself and understand that you deserve better. Even if she is really good looking, she's not the complete package.

You are in love with who she was. She could be somebody you don't even recognize now. It has been a year, yeah? There is no guarentee that you would even like who she is now, or if she would be compatible with the person you are now. Maybe you might want to date her and try things out, but assuming you want to be with her now is just idolizing the past. It's a fantasy.

[Baybee]

That girl doesn't have a heart. I'm so sorry she hurt you, this should never happen to anyone

[confucious]

CMA I don't know if I misunderstood part of your post but Its been 2 years since we broke up and 1 year since we've talked, but anyway your right. In the two years we've been apart, I've come to realize everything you've said. It took a while for me to get it because I felt like there was no real closure, but eventually I got over it. I used to think that if I could only talk to her and get her to talk as well, then everything would be fine. But realistically no matter what I thought she needed to fix, acknowledge, work on etc, she had to realize it for herself. I mean in the end we're the ones who have to decide we're "flawed". Outside of that you're just asking for an argument. Understanding this made it easier for me to stop being upset, and it helped me to let go in a sense. And though I've come to realize I still have feelings(what's left) I understand that getting back with her even if it was possible wouldn't be smart anyway. Especially while there's still growing to do as you said. I think part of me wanting closure is sort of a selfish act on my part. Kinda like I just wanted to be proven right. "Talk to me and tell me that I was right all along so I don't feel like I was being paranoid" and insecure.

What bothers me in a major way is that I'm the one who's always giving advice on these situations. And though I've for the most part been able to let logic prevail, its amazing how the emotional pain and depression can make you want to do the opposite of everything you know is right......

[Cosmo]

That last part is soooo true.

[Cloud206]

Yeah man,just try to forget her.These kind of ppl are everywhere .

[cmacattack1]

What bothers me in a major way is that I'm the one who's always giving advice on these situations. And though I've for the most part been able to let logic prevail, its amazing how the emotional pain and depression can make you want to do the opposite of everything you know is right......

Very true man. I've had friends I've seen hit the worst rock bottom ever over relationships and I never understood it. I was always the one to slap them into reality. It took me really losing somebody because of my arrogance, immaturity, and lack of self awareness to really truly understand. I went into total fight or flight mode, panic, begged, cried, wrote letters, every single thing you aren't supposed to do.

For me, getting over them was finally accepting that you don't need them in your life to be truly happy. Do I still love my ex (or the person that she was)? Yes. And I'm sure I always will. I have to keep telling myself that it's not realistic for us to work out again, and that any effort I do to keep tabs on her is not helping me get anywhere. I just say this because I notice you have information about her even though you haven't talked in a year. Don't know where you are getting it from, but I'd try to cut that source out if I were you.

[confucious]

I haven't actively persued any info on her or her situation. But I will admit to wanting to, if that makes sense? After the initial break I wanted nothing more than to find out every bit of info I could. Was she seeing someone, did she still care, etc. But once I started to calm down and think clearer(year later)I thought less about her and felt no need to keep tabs. And to be honest, other than occasionally talking to her brother and asking how she was doing, I was doing pretty good. After I last spoke to her (aug 09) I felt fine and thought of her sporatically. I finally started dating and finally felt like I could at least function without thinking of her. But its a funny thing. You may laugh(so will everyone else)but I can literally sense certain things about to happen and I've always been able to "feel" a lot more than what's made noticable. I predicted the last 3 deaths in my family within a week of it happening. I've had dreams about completely random people and things that have come true. There are tons more examples but that's for another day lol. So as usual with any of my "revelations", out of the blue I got depressed a few weeks ago. Starting thinking about her and "him", and within a week I received all of the information I've shared with you. I didn't ask for it. Not that I don't agree with you, cuz I do. And I plan on cutting off or at least requesting that the info is cut off. Since I seriously doubt she's thinking of me.

[cmacattack1]

Oh well, you are going to crop up her thoughts from time to time, it just happens less and less when they are out of your life as time goes on. There are some good memories from when you guys dated, but that will be all that they are: memories. She was your last serious girlfriend, you will always look back on her the longer you are on your own. Oh well man, what are you going to do about it? I'm sure you have become a more mature, more experienced person for the time you have spent together with her and that's all you can really take from it besides the good times you had. You never know what can happen in the future.