Should I move on??

[icey]

Someone...please help
I am a year and a half into my relationship. We've been living together for 9 months now.

I have EXTREMELY strong feelings for this girl, she's 25 and I'm 31. I have seen certain signs in her throughout our relationship that question her comfort-level and I addressed the issues with her as they came up. She confessed that she has had problems with previous relationships and commitment. She went through her parents somewhat violent divorce at a young age. I was patient and offered her support throughout our relationship, but finally, I think her discomfort has won. She wants to break it off:

She claims we fight too much and I agree to a point. But I think her discomfort in the relationship, and my frustration over it, is a large factor in causing our fights (possibly not as supportive as I could have been?). I have not yet felt totally secure about our relationship, or at least not for any significant length of time.

There was some name calling. Although she has done it to me she gets VERY sensitive if I do it to her. It brings back memories of her parents' divorce.
We'd both managed to stay clear of it for a while but recently I slipped. And now she's dumping me. (For the record, I am far from being an abusive boyfriend, I am not verbally abusive or anything like that, I just let out the odd swear word a few times during the course of our relationship, as did she)

She seems to harbour a lot of anger deep down. She once told me that she gets extremely mad at me if we fight even though I haven't done much to provoke it. (Scary!) I totally think this is to do with her dad yelling at her mom. I asked her that. She admitted that could be the reason, at the time. But if I mention it now, she denies it almost entirely. I feel like she's denying it so she doesn't have to deal with it. She admitted last week that she's afraid to commit...."to the wrong person". She's changing her story. Who isn't afraid to commit to the "wrong person???"

Anyway, I don't think our troubles are so bad that we can't work them out. But I guess that's relative. But maybe she just needs to be on her own and see if she misses my ass? I don't know. I'm just heartbroken. I feel like I put in soooo much effort and I'm getting dumped anyway. Its frustrating.

I don't want to put all the blame on her because I know there are things about me that I can change. I'm not perfect. Who is? But in my opinion, the problems are not relationship breakers.

The difference between us is she's a LOT more willing to give up and walk away. She refuses to see a counselor with me. She says if it's too much effort, walk away. She says she's like her dad that way.

We still live together until the end of this week. Anyway, I plan on talking to her tonight (if she comes home) to see if anything can be worked out before I leave. (I booked myself a trip to Costa Rica for six weeks) Her unwillingness to work on things is propelling me to move on but...GOD I love her...SO MUCH!!!!!

[diablo robotico]

Wow, that's a truly sucky situation. Unfortunately, there's only so much you can control, and none of it has to do with what she thinks.

I think that you just have to put it all on the table - how you feel about her; how you think everything can be worked out, etc. Just like it sounds like you're planning. But in the end, if she still says no, then what else can you do but try to move on? Think about it, if she's so willing to let your relationship go, then is she really the one you want to be with?

[cycletease]

What a difficult position you are in...frustrating and maddening! Sadly, you cannot force her to work on issues that she doesn't want to address. Your assesment seems valid, she seems to have commitment and anger issues, neither of which are good for sustaining a long term relationship. Likely, she is bottling up issues, exploding over minor things, resenting you for things you don't even know about and deciding to leave because you have so much to work on and she hasn't even mentioned any of it to you.

If she isn't ready for counselling then you have no choice but to walk away. I would say that if you do talk to her tonight, don't accuse, don't be angry, don't say anything negative. I would say positive things about how you feel about her and how much that you had hoped things would work out. That you understand if she wants to go and that isn't really what you want but you respect her choices.

Leave it on a nice note like that and then leave for 6 weeks to let her think about it...maybe send her a post card from costa rica but no other contact. Get her a thoughtful, non-commital gift as an excuse to see her when you return and see how things go.

[icey]

Thanks so much for the quick responses Diablo, Cycle, and the great advice. I talked to her last night. She was in a somewhat negative mood because she's pretty stressed over the situation, school, and menstrating...woah!!! Anyway, she mentioned that she was inquiring into a job 2 hours away for the summer (4 months). I rolled my eyes (in my head).

So anyway...I give up! This is an upward battle. I will always love this girl but it's not working out.
At one point she asked if I think we should get back together or something to that effect. I told her how I truly feel. That it's not going to work. I said I loved her so much and that I thought we could possibly work things out if there weren't underlying issues there. She asked, "what underlying issues"? I mentioned the commitment issues that she told me about and the fact that she didn't seem willing to work on it, or talk about it. (I previously told her that I would support her any way I could and I'd go to counselling etc., whatever was needed.) I told her also, "I'm not sure if what I'm saying is true...I am only putting my experience together and this is what I've observed, I don't confess to know anything absolutely, this is just my feeling.
She admited I wasn't ALL wrong.
I told her I have my own issues I need to work on also but, I'm not getting what I need out of this relationship, and I don't think I ever will if it carries on this way.

It was easy talking to her last night when she was in a negative mood. I was thankful for that because when she's in a good mood...I can waver. I think our breaking up completely is probably the best thing for me because seriously, if we can't make it 1.5 years without the skeletons coming out, and its issue-mania, there's no way in hell we will make it for the long haul!! And if we break now...we leave on good terms rather than hating each other a year down the road.
I really wanted this to work out...I really really love herl!!! Now comes the hard part...saying goodbye and trying to get over that awesome girl

[diablo robotico]

I'm sorry icey! It's a truly sucky situation! But I think you have the right of it. Just take it one day at a time, cuz that's all you can do.

In the meantime, if you keep yourself busy, then you'll have less time to be bummed. Try to hang out with your friends more. Get into your interests more, or find new ones. Try everything you can to keep your mind off her.

Wish I had better advice at this point. But you're right, it's gonna be hard.

[natashab]

Hi Icey,

Just reading through your situation, and although my b/f sounds more hurtful when he's going through his negative "I can't do relationships" phases, the situation sounds quite similar to mine.

I've tried to get my b/f to address his anger and commitment issues, but he won't face up to them. He just reckons he's better off on his own, that he can't 'do' relationships.... even though he involved me so much in his life like no other girlfriend of his before me. He always gave up on the relationship so easily and this really, really hurt me and he knew this. I wasn't secure in his feelings for me, and eventually, after multiple bust-ups etc I realise I backed off emotionally in self-preservation. I regret that, as if I had made him more secure and feel more loved maybe things would have turned out differently. You see, I think some of his problems stem from deep insecurity, and my emotional distance may have just fed his insecurities... But I tried, and make it clear I was committed to him, and it sounds like you tried. Sounds like we were doing the work in our relationships.... but doesn't it take 2 to make it work?

How are you doing now? How are things going? What are your feelings at the moment?

[icey]

Hi Natasha. Sounds like your X has some issues. Do NOT regret “backing off” it’s a strength not a weakness. After you get hit so many times you finally put your guard up. I read some of your other posts and it sounds like that dude has some real issues.

How are you doing now? You really need to boost up your self-esteem. Read some books on the subject. You can program your brain to get over that guy AND build your self-esteem at the same time.
I’m doing better. I’m in Costa Rica clearing my head. I go through times when I really miss her but it passes. Like quitting smoking. You get strong cravings when you first quit. But later the cravings become less severe and less frequent.

The hardest part of my break up was accepting it was over. The hope for the relationship to work out makes you suffer longer. You end up torturing yourself. You can't move on until you accept that it's over. Take everyone's advice...completely remove your self from the situation and deal.

You already know on a deep level what’s up, the only thing that prolonged our relationships was our own insecurities. You really need to learn as much as you can from the relationship and heal yourself. Otherwise you'll repeat the same mistakes, like our X’s have done and continue to do.

I’ve been in Costa Rica for 5 days now and I’m learning to surf, meeting new people, and keeping myself occupied. I’m not into hooking up with anyone yet because it makes me feel sad and guilty. But who knows how I’ll feel in a week or two or three? (I’m here 6 weeks)

Take care of yourself Natasha. One day you will find someone special and you'll say, "I'm sooo happy that I didn't stay with X-man"!!!