I thought she had a heart..

[ohman29]

The purpose of this is partially to vent and also to get some insight. Thanks for listening.

I started seeing this woman back in April of this year. We had known each other for several years, met through mutual friends, and I always had feelings for her, but she was in a relationship when we first met, so I didn't pursue anything. She broke up with that guy, and I was planning on trying to get closer, but before I had the chance, she had come in contact with an ex from years ago and was going to move across the country to live with him. Long story short, he screwed her over and she never moved away. In the meantime she had quit her job, and couldn't get it back, and also had some medical issues that she was dealing with as well. We started to hang out together, without the mutual friends and I felt us getting closer, but she had openly said she "would have to see a shrink before she started dating again" so I didn't push any further, out of respect for her. We became closer over the next couple of years, but then started slowly drifting apart after a while. No big deal. I figured I just wasn't her "type" or whatever.

We hadn't spoken much for a year, then went to a show together and she came up to my neighborhood afterward and hung out a while. She texted me "thanks for the great night" when she got home, as if we went on a date and that got me thinking. I invited her to come over the following weekend, and one thing led to another and we finally hooked up and she spent the night. I was so happy, but there was a catch. She had been dating someone for the past year (which I didn't realize) but things weren't going well and she was in the process of getting out of that relationship. It was a little complicated, and she couldn't just walk away completely due to some shared property, but even her friends were "pulling for me" as it were. She eventually emotionally let go of him after a couple of weeks, especially when an ex came back into her his life and he was still trying to get her to join in some sort of polyamorous relationship, which she wanted no part of. Things were going great and I really thought it would turn into something serious. Then depression started to hit her and she was having trouble making ends meet due to not getting paid from clients (she's a lawyer) and she was having a hard time just getting out of bed and being happy in general. I tried to be there for her, take her out and such, but after a while it seemed she was avoiding/ignoring me. I spoke up about it and she assured me it wasn't me, she just needed some time to get her own shit together before considering trying to make a relationship work. I was understanding and was OK with that, although I was still hoping eventually we could move forward with our relationship as she eventually got better.

By this past September, she eventually started feeling better. She was seeing a therapist and was taking some meds and I was very happy to see her getting better, but it seemed she was still drifting away from me. The woman that was living with the ex had moved back out and she was back in contact with him, which she was more or less up front about, and I did know there were some unresolved issues there. We were seeing each other less and less at this point and I was really feeling down. Then she said she was going out to California for a week with her girlfriend, where I know her ex was trying to get her to go (he has a place out there) as recently as a couple of weeks prior. True or not, now I'm thinking she's considering getting back together with him. (reasonable thought, right?) Now, the mistake I made was texting her while she was out there saying how upset I was and assumes she was out there with the ex and that I missed her. I guess I was hoping for a response along the lines of "Don't worry, nothing is happening between us, etc, etc.." but instead got a response that she was angry and was done taking about this. That was kind of a wake up call and I sent an email when she got back (she wasn't responding to texts and I had a lot to say) saying I was sorry and wanted to talk. She responded back and said she thought it would be a good idea to stop talking for a while, and I haven't really heard from her since (this was 3rd week of September).

I tried reaching out a couple of times and basically got the cold shoulder. She said she was offended by some of what I said (which I don't know exactly what) in the email and just wanted time to pass and would appreciate if I let her do that. I'm thinking that's not the right course of action. Maybe in high school, but not at our age (37&38). I would rather just talk about it and move on. During the recent storm here in the northeast, I texted her asking how she was doing, as by way of Facebook I saw she was staying at a friends house that ended up getting flooded halfway up the first floor. I got a two word response, and not even a "how are you doing" or anything like that. It really made me feel like she doesn't give a shit about me and that hurts. I texted back the next day asking how they were making out with the cleanup and got nothing. It sucks because I am genuinely concerned about how she is and still care about her but I am now starting to get angry with this whole silent treatment thing. I could see maybe a week, but this has gone on for over a month now. Especially after all I've done for her to try to help her out in the past, and the nice things I've done, I think I deserve better treatment than this. I know there are guys that have done far worse to her than what I have. I feel like I was some sort of rebound thing when she broke up with the ex, and now she's over that and I mean nothing to her now. I am an honest, good, caring, guy and I can't believe she is this mad over something so (at least in my opinion) small.

I'm just wondering if I am right to be angry at this whole situation, or am I at fault for not holding my feelings in when I probably should have. I like to be open about my feelings and speak whats on my mind. I think that's important in a relationship. I was never mean about anything, I just wanted to talk. I wish I could just say to hell with it and move on, but I still love her, even though it looks like she doesn't (and probably never did) feel the same way. At this point I'm not even looking to get back together in a relationship. I just want the respect I think I deserve.

Thanks for listening to my rant. All opinions on this situation welcome.

[ohman29]

39 views and no responses. I guess I'm not the only one confused about this, lol.

[IndiReloaded]

The thing about silence is... we tend to make up our own explanations, which may or may not be true.

Are there any other reasons why she may not be able to reply? Be patient. When the chance arises, just talk to her and ask what's up.

[ttylox]

Indi, don't dwell on that text. She could be dealing with some craziness and I'm sure her phone was blowing up with texts and calls from people who knew where she was and wanted to make sure she was alright.

It sounds like this girl has a complicated life and a lot of other things going on outside of your relationship with her. If you continue to pester her (sorry, lack of a better word) she's going to end up resenting you. Just be there for her when you can and don't count on anything serious right away. The best way to garner respect from her at this point is to be true to who you are. Obviously she likes you, she must enjoy your company, so there is something about you that keeps her interested. Just take that age-old advice and be yourself. And right now, if being yourself is being annoyed at her for ignoring you or icing you out, then go ahead and be annoyed... (just don't be obnoxious!)

I think, if I were in her shoes: I know you're there. I know you're available. If I want to call and talk or text you, then I will. But right now, I have other things to do (maybe other dudes to deal with) and your texts are going to be met with an exasperated sigh. But pretty soon, once things settle down, my shoes are dried out and my drama with other guys has simmered down a bit, I'll realize I haven't heard from you in a while and want to know what you're up to and get your attention again.

[haxan]

ohman, nowhere in your posts did I get any inclination that she was ever interested in a romantic relationship with you. You seem like you were the emotional tampon, and when she got bored with that, she quit talking.

My opinion? Lose her contact information, move forward, find someone who likes you and wants to be with you.

[bob the brave]

sorry ohman, you can be disappointed she doesn't care for you, but you can't be angry at her. Seems she's done everything to discourage you. I know it hurts when you really care for someone and it's not recipricated, but that's life. believe me, I know...check out my post.

There are 3 billion women on this planet. Just move on. She dosen't sound like a particuarly compasionate person anyway, kind of self-centered. You are better off without her.

[ohman29]

Thank you for the responses. She definitely had no other reason not to reply. If she had time to post pictures and video on Facebook, she could have talked to me. Thing is, we did have a romantic relationship. During the time we were seeing each other romantically, she was going through a depression and told me she couldn't get "serious" until she sorted out her own shit first. We agreed to continue as we were and see where things go. It seemed when she started feeling better, the more distant she became. She never flat out told me she wanted "space" or anything like that. Instead she always had some sort of excuse when I asked her to hang out.

I think what bothers me the most is that she won't give me a chance. She thinks I wasn't listening to her when she said she wasn't ready for anything serious, which is not the case. I did let my emotions get the best of me and I can see how she can take that as not listening to her, but she won't even give me the chance to try to explain that. She IS a compassionate, good person and used to do social work and rape counseling years ago. I just don't know why she doesn't show any compassion towards me. It's not like I did anything malicious and she's had guys do much worse to her. I can see if we've had arguments before, but this is the first time anything like this has happened between us. I just think it's unfair. All I want is a chance to make things right then she could have all the time and space she needs if my apology isn't good enough for her. I dunno. As much as I wish I could tell her to F off and break free, I just can't do it. I guess the female mind works differently from the male. I'm amazed that any man and woman can get along.

[smackie9]

Dude she got mental baggage, stop being the "shining knight" and trying to save her from her depression and crap. She is in her late 30's and she still can't have a normal relationship with any kind of guy, nice or not so nice. So stop banging your head against the wall, and open up your eyes....take her off that pedestal you have her on....she ain't all that....she is a mess of a person, and you can't change that. Let her go.

People who suffer from depression blame the relationship for their short comings, failures and depression....so they run to the next person and run back and so on....they just don't get it that they are the one with the problem and running away all the time doesn't do a damn thing.

[steviej]

Smackie summed up what i was going to say!

Op, read your own first post. That woman has more issues and baggage than anyone can deal with. You can't cure her, she uses you when she needs then drops you when she wants.
She is a head case, you need to remove her from your life and find others who aren't emotionally damaged.
At her age, she won't change now. I bet this has gone on for years.

[ohman29]

You guys are absolutely correct. I spoke to one of her female friends who was very close to her and had the same thing happen. While this friend is a little crazy herself, I found out some things that completely parallel what happened in our situation which shows me that there definitely a pattern to her behavior. At least I know not to take it personally, which is a great deal off my shoulders. I sent her an email basically calling her out on her bullshit and said goodbye. The only weird thing is that she's good friends with my best friend's wife (that's how we met) so we're bound to cross paths at some point.

[smackie9]

You know I bet your friend's wife knows she's a nut job and probably understands why it didn't work. So what if you run into her....if you are adults you will act civilly in each others presence. Life will go on.

[ohman29]

You know I bet your friend's wife knows she's a nut job and probably understands why it didn't work. So what if you run into her....if you are adults you will act civilly in each others presence. Life will go on.

Oh yeah, I think at this point if and when we do cross paths the uncomfortableness will be all on her. While I was a mess when I had no closure, now that it's over I really don't care anymore. I don't hold grudges, and life does go on.

[steviej]

Good for you!


Good luck finding someone who isn't mental