Rekindling my first love - I moved too fast and scared him away

[just_a_girl]

I met this boy 8 years ago at university and we've always been super close. We were attracted to each other from the start and were so intensely together on and off, but never officially boyfriend and girlfriend. We've been such close friends ever since and always stayed in contact from time to time even though we have both had other girlfriends/boyfriends.

In our first year of university when I heard that he'd started sleeping with lots of girls, I made sure to pull myself away because I didn't want to be just another girl that he'd had sex with (I've still to this day never had sex with him). In our second year we lived together in a student house with one other friend, but it was clear that there was something between us because we would always end up falling asleep cuddling watching films in each other's beds. We kissed a few times, but I stopped it. Several times he told me how beautiful he thought I was and how he doesn't think I understand how much he loves him, but I was quite unresponsive - I was too scared to say anything too forward and he seemed a bit nervous to say anything more than that too.

He broke up with his last girlfriend a while ago, they were together for 2 years I think but he was really unhappy in the last year and it seemed that there was so much distance between them.

He started messaging me again a few months ago now, very out of the blue but we have always been in contact every so often anyway. We started talking and he would call me every so often and text me at least every few days. He would tell me that it's taken him so long to be able to say it but he's never met anyone else he gets on with as well as me, and how special our connection is to him. He text me that he loved me, that he's obsessed with me, and that he wouldn't want to grow old with anyone else. He text me that he thinks I'm beautiful and that I probably have a thousand people telling me this everyday but that none of them know me like he does. I wasn't as forward in telling him the equivalent back (although I do feel it) because I'm just a bit reserved in my feelings but I was so surprised about how vocal he was being because we were both always very bad at communication about our feelings before.

We met up twice and both times were almost magical, there is just so much passion there. We would go to his house, have a cup of tea, watch an episode of something all cuddled up, kiss gently, then start making out, then go for a walk, go to a museum or something and then have a drink in a pub before he would walk me to the station and kiss me goodbye. He couldn't keep his hands off me and it was clear how attracted we were to each other. Everything was just so effortless and easy, and our conversations were amazing. He told me I was beautiful and that I had amazing legs, how well we've always got on together and that he thinks I'm incredible. He said how amazing our sex would be as he picked me up when we were making out and I agreed but said 'not yet'. The whole time we were out and about he would carry my bag for me and when we would have a drink he would pace his drinks so that we would finish at exactly the same time. Another thing that I realised afterwards was that he had booked the second date I saw him off work especially to see me because my work schedule was so busy - I thought this was so thoughtful.

He would talk a lot about future plans and places we could go to together and things we could do, the first time I just laughed it off but the second time i felt a little more comfortable with him and joined in on the jokey planning. I think that this, as well as a joke I made about 'our first fight' has scared him away because even though we had a wonderful day, it was a bit intense and I haven't heard from him since then (nearly 2 weeks now!)

I'm just so confused. It seemed that he was the one being really intense and pushing this forward so quickly and now he's disappeared. I was initially worried that I was just a rebound, but after the first time I saw him I felt that that couldn't be the case because it was just too genuine. Also, I now live quite far away and I work all the time, if he wanted to see just any girl it would have been far easier for him to just see a girl who lived near him and was more free - additionally, as I mentioned I have never had sex with him so if he was just looking for that, I don't know why he would think of me?! I don't understand why he would go to all that effort just to disappear?

This boy means a lot to me, but I also don't want to chase him. I feel that I am worth more than someone not contacting me for so long and I don't think I want to message him until he messages me.

Do you think this can be salvaged? I'm not sure where I went wrong!

[peace.fairy]

Just message him. Just something casual. Like I haven't heard form you in a while, how are you?.. And just see how he reacts. Really no amount of worrying will help you (trust me, I speak from experience). And you will never guess what he might be thinking or what he wants or anything. Talk to him before it's too late and before you drive yourself totally crazy overthinking it. The longer you wait the more awkward it will get.

[GLYC]

From a man's perspective, this is where you're messing up.

"I feel that I am worth more than someone not contacting me for so long and I don't think I want to message him until he messages me."

That's gameplaying. You sound structured and like you have some unreasonable expectations at times. Do you ever reach out or initiate saying things like "I can't wait to see you, we need to get together sometime soon"?

Its difficult to have an easy and effortless relationship/dating with someone like this . After a while, when I'm the only one reaching out, I feel like you don't really care.
When I do things and it isn't reciprocated, I think you're just not in it like I am, or that I'm second fiddle. Never hide your feelings.

I've dated women that literally told me they weren't going to reach out to me first because they didn't want to look desperate.

Things with those women never made it far. The chemistry and attraction was amazing, and I was shattered when things ended because it's rare to find that.
But I can never follow an imaginary set of guidelines that is specific for one person.
Its just a headache trying to date women like that. Why? They don't act authentic or genuine. I'm always guessing where I stand.

Its so much better when I show up to a date and the woman is complimenting me out of the blue, or sending me nice thoughtful texts to let me know she's thinking about me. I don't have to second guess anything. That's when dating is fun and effortless. And as a result, I'm doing the same thing, were both doing it and it's a blast.

Its better to live life with your heart on your sleeve. When it isn't reciprocated, retract your gift and gift it to someone else. There's no shame in expressing yourself, just do it in steps. I love women like that, but they're rare to find. Everyone has been burned (so they withold their feelings thinking thats where they messed up, but thats false) or has a friend or Cosmo magazine giving them terrible advice.
"make him chase you, prove you have value by not reaching out, wait to respond to his texts/calls" etc. etc.
Its all bullshit.

The right person will be glad they heard from you.

[madotnw_nihs]

I think he just got tired of chasing you with no reciprocation from you. Life isn't a fairy tale where a prince will go to the end of the earth for you. If you want to salvage this, go get him.

[TheEvilJester]

I will say I tend to be leaning towards agreeing with the others. That would be my best guess, anyway, based on what you've shared. It's funny, because you titled this thread "Rekindling my first love - I moved too fast and scared him away" and after reading this, I can't help but ask.... How exactly do you feel like YOU moved too fast?

If anything, I could MAYBE entertain the argument that HE moved too fast. I mean, it sounds like you two barely dated really, and then kind of parted ways (albeit you kept in touch her and there). Unless I misunderstood, you were never officially in a relationship, per se. Then, after YEARS... he's suddenly professing that he's crazy in love with you, and you are so amazing and perfect for him and all this.... he's talking about wanting to grow old with you and this whole imagined future he has for you two.... and you're worried YOU were the one who moved too fast?!

So, again, my best guess is maybe it is exactly the opposite. Maybe you were too reserved and held back your feelings too much. Don't get me wrong, I DO understand to some degree. It is all well and good to say you should just be 100% honest about your feelings all the time with everybody, but the honest to God truth is that just isn't the world we live in these days. If you did do that you WOULD scare most people away. You do have to be SOMEWHAT guarded with your thoughts and feelings early on. I'm not saying you hide them completely or full-on lie. Honesty is always the best policy. But, in love especially, you do need to let things out little by little.

But, that's just the thing. You need to let them out. It sounds like maybe in your desire not to seem TOO eager, you over-compensated by holding back way too much. Maybe he started to feel like you just weren't interested. Relationships, in general, should be equal. It shouldn't always have to be him initiating things just as much as it shouldn't always have to be you. So, maybe if he felt like he had to keep chasing and you just kept stopping short of being fully into it, maybe he just got tired of waiting.

But, all we can do is speculate based on the evidence you provided. We could be wrong. The only person who can really answer this for you is him. So, talk to him. Reach out and ask. Make sure you two are still on the same page. I guess I'd say don't start off with approaching it like you think your suspicions are true. Maybe at first just sort of approach it casually. Almost like you are thinking you probably are just imagining problems that aren't there, but that you wanted to talk to him about it anyway to be sure. Communication is key in any healthy relationship.

It certainly SOUNDS like he's very into you. It isn't like I can know. There certainly is the possibility he's just using you.... but given your long history that seems pretty doubtful. That would be quite a "long game" for him to spend all these years just to try to get something from you and then cast you aside. So, bottom line, don't play games. Just be honest with him and with yourself. If he IS playing games, you'll realize that soon enough and then you are better off without him anyway. If he's NOT playing games, you could be denying yourself something that could be great because you are too worried over possible issues that could possibly only be in your head.

Good luck to you.

[Hooo!]

You want something? Swallow your pride and go get it