whats with guys and space????

[sashajade]

Okay so I've been seeing a wonderful man for the last 4 months. Our relationship has been a bit rocky due to distance (we are a few hours apart) as well as other stresses in our lives. We met when we were kids and he was my first crush, kiss etc...and we reconnected 20 years later.

So after a few rocky attempts we decided to really try to make a go at our relationship at the start of the new year. He planned an amazing evening with his closest friends...it was apparantly a HUGE step that he made introducing me to his friends...he's been divorced for 3 years and hasn't dated anyone seriously since and has never introduced anyone to his friends since his divorce...anyway after several drinks we get into a HUGE fight early in the morning...my fault completely.

The next day I asked if we were okay...he implied that we were but that he cannot handle a relationship with such bitter arguements...we agreed that we would talk about it at the end of the weekend (after I was back home). Well, I of course have to try to fix everything right away so I tried to call him and text him several times...he told me that he asked for space and said we would talk at the end of the weekend. Well of course I am an emotional wreck and last night sent him a very long email explaining everything and apologizing for the arguement which again, I take complete fault for.

Today he replies with this email:

Didn’t read any of this. Why? Because I asked you to give me some space. I saw on my phone that there has been tons of calls and text messages from you. Did I not ask for a little space?

Calling me constantly and texting me a million times is not going to get you any result that you will like. At best, we may talk next week if you stop.

If you keep calling/texting/emailing you will never hear from me again. Period.

I am not listening/reading anything you send to me. If you want to talk to me, you will give me the space I want. There is no negotiating this.



So my question is: Does this mean he does still want to talk? I mean, if he wanted to end the relationship would he have just said right then and there instead of this? Is there still hope? I know we both feel a strong emotional connection and I would like to think if he was opening up by introducing me to his friends that he wouldn't be able to just stop caring the next few days...but I'm going insane!! HELP!! Havent contacted him anymore after getting this today and don't plan to...but any help with how to read this would be much appreciated!

Sasha

[QueenofCorona]

I think you should forget him. Obviously you both have different dating styles. You like lots of calls, texts, and such and he doesn't. Besides, you never want to be with someone who speaks to you like that, and the "maybe I'll talk to you next week" what BS. Maybe you went overboard but don't let him dicate how things will be. Relationships need to be 50/50. I'd say there is no repairing the relationship at this point. Call it a learning experience and move on.

[shheadz]

I think you should forget him. Obviously you both have different dating styles. You like lots of calls, texts, and such and he doesn't. Besides, you never want to be with someone who speaks to you like that, and the "maybe I'll talk to you next week" what BS. Maybe you went overboard but don't let him dicate how things will be. Relationships need to be 50/50. I'd say there is no repairing the relationship at this point. Call it a learning experience and move on.

It's a little too soon to be blaming him for everything. We don't know what the argument was about, what she said, how he handled it, etc. She was no doubt pissed about something, and now he's pissed too. That's understandable. He asked for some space, so give it to him.

[sashajade]

I was pretty awful...basically the argument was over not being able to define our relationship...instead of looking at his actions the entire evening as a huge step for him I was dwelling on the fact that he can't put the status of our relationship into words. He was obviously crushed because he did try so hard to make the evening perfect and open up to me....I have apologized countless times, but that wasn't his need for space...he only asked to give him a couple of days so he could clear his head...he said he was emotionally drained from the argument the night before...the need for more space and te email was prompted by me not respecting his need to take a couple of days to himself.

So am I making excuses for him or no? I do feel like I was complete at fault here...

[shheadz]

Some guys need longer than others to shake off an argument. I get quiet after an argument with a girlfriend, and it's not really because I'm still mad at her. I'm just trying to protect her. I know if she pushes me I'll just start the argument back up, or start showing just how pissed I really am. It only takes me an hour or two, but it might take him a few days to calm down to the point that he can talk to you reasonably.

[lahnnabell]

Yes. Do as he says and back off. I am the same way with arguments. I need a breather period where I can think and collect my thoughts. Pushing me only results in my getting angrier and more frustrated.

Texting him and calling him frantically does not show him that you are able to do your own reflection (which you should be doing). It just looks like a desperate attempt to keep him from being upset or mad at you.

[Nice Lover Boy]

If I sent that email to the other person, it mostly means what it says. This email would also be my purpose to look around for other potential females. So in your case, don't hang around for him. I bet you anything that even though you don't communicate with him for about 2 weeks, he won't call like he said. If he does, it might be small talk. Look around for other guys who can be potentials.

[sashajade]

thanks ev1...I know he isn't looking for "potential females"..he's 38, has a kid and doesn't go out looking for other women...in fact, it was HE that said we shouldn't date anyone else until we were sure what is going on with us from the very beginning...he says it's disrespectful to everyone involved to casually date several women/men and it only confuses things.
*sigh* well, I have no choice but to give him space...I do care about and respect him and I do want to talk to him...he did this once before and flat out told me he would call me in a week if I didn't text him or call him again...I didn't and he waited six days til he called me...he said he had to do something to get our heads clear and to get me to respect his wishes...that's his big thing...he sees this as me not respecting him. :/ I honestly don't believe our relationship would be left up in the air at this level indefinitely...My question was basically would he just say this is over right now if that's what he wants?

[shheadz]

Don't worry about it Sash.. he's doing just that.. clearing his head. It sounds like he really cares about you. Wait till he calls you, and then do something really sweet that night or the next day. I'm thinking showing up at his door in a trench coat with nothing on underneath... haha.. but that's just me.

[SirWagginston]

Haha, I don't really know the guy, but I like him. Not because I'm the type who needs space and time to think, but because he phrased his email in such a reasonable fashion. He's obviously still upset. I think he still cares about you, but I also think he now questions your emotional stability. If he was "looking for potentials," he would have told you to back off for longer than a week.

He may not consciously mean it as such, but you should consider this a test: if you pass, he will decide that you care enough about him to try to understand him. If you fail, he will decide that you have too many problems for him to handle without collapsing due to stress. Cease to contact him, and wait until the end of the weekend. If he does not contact you, wait another day or two before sending a brief text message--something like "How are you doing?"

Remember: the most productive thing you can do is CALM DOWN and RELAX.

[lahnnabell]

Sir said it perfectly.

[davidtorres]

hahaha dont call him or email him a million times. thats being clingy. lol

[sashajade]

UPDATE: I'm an idiot. Okay so last Thursday I got into a wreck. I tried to call him and of course no answer. I text him that i had been in accident...still nothing. So of course I start to get frantic...because no matter if we were in an argument or whatever if I found out he was in a wreck I would call him. Well, the next evening I was singing in a wedding. i was an emotional wreck..having to sing love songs and being around people in love etc...meanwhile my guy isn't even speaking to me. So I call him and text him a whole lot...still nothing. It was awful. I text him Saturday apologizing for being such an emotional wreck the day before. On Sunday evening he calls me. He tells me that last week I agreed to give him space so he could think about things and that I only left him alone for a couple of days. He said that I was not respecting him and that I WAS going to give him the space he asked for. He said he didn't read any of the text messages I sent at all and that everytime I text or call I am pushing him further away. Well I was trying to talk over him so I didn't hear part of what he said...all of a sudden he wasn't there. I called back not knowing whether he hung up or the call dropped and he said "Okay now it's going to be two weeks before I call you...if you call or text again it'll be three weeks." That was two days ago and I haven't called or text since.

My question: If he no longer wanted to be in the relationship would he have just said right then when he called me on Sunday...to leave him alone, that the relationship was over etc??? Is he just being controlling? I feel like he's treating me like a child and "punishing" me. Any thoughts??

[Wiredbomb0]

Just reading everything, this guys seems like a total jerk (which may or maynot be true, just my opinion). He's basically demanding you to give him some space, and "Okay now it's going to be two weeks before I call you...if you call or text again it'll be three weeks." just says to me, that he's full of s*it.

It seems like he's treating you as a child, punishing you, and you shouldn't be taking that kind of crap. A relationship is about equal shares, but from what I see, he's completely in control.

As Sir said, you should calm down and relax, there is no need to worry yourself into a wreak over this, no guy should do that to you

Wishing you the best of luck!

-Wired

[pixeldust]

I agree with wired. My ex husband did the same thing to me - it's a very controlling way to go about things, though you aren't helping by persistently trying to contact him.

Cut your losses and move on. Your desperation isn't going to get you anywhere with this guy, and will only make him feel like he has the control of everything in your relationship.