Why won't he marry me? - Please help

[SallyLee74]

My boyfriend and I got together just over two years ago (Nov 2010). At the time, he was 30 and I was 37. The age gap did concern me. We had sex very early (too early) into our relationship (after only 2 days!). In the beginning, he only wanted to see me on Friday nights after work. I asked him if we could meet up during the week but he came out with excuses about being “too busy at work”. One time, I asked him if he wanted to go to the cinema one Wednesday evening and replied that he’d “rather watch football on TV”! Every Friday night, he used to come round my flat, we’d have something to eat, have sex and in the morning he would go home. After about 3 months of this I got frustrated and felt used so I offered him an ultimatum – I gave him a choice between either having a proper relationship with me with proper dates during the week and at weekends (going out to the cinema, bars, country walks, meeting up with each other’s friends and family etc) or I’d break it off with him. He again came out with excuses as to why he couldn’t give me a proper relationship – “too busy at work”, “not ready for a proper relationship”, “still not emotionally over his ex-wife”. So I finished it (Feb 2011).

About 10 days after I finished it, he asked me to take him back and said that he’d give me a proper relationship. For the next 9 months or so, we had a proper relationship and I was happier. During the summer of 2011 I started to drop hints (big ones) that I wanted to get married but he kept ignoring them. Every time I mentioned marriage he got angry, therefore I changed tack and asked him if I could move in with him. After a lot of persuasion, he agreed (Sept 11) but for some reason rather than agreeing for me to move in with him there and then, he asked me to do so in the New Year –in four months’ time!?!
I was concerned that once I had moved in with him and was his common-law wife I would have no financial security if the relationship was to end. I continued to drop hints about getting married but he ignored them. One day I bite the bullet and asked him why he didn’t want to marry me. He’d been married before which had ended in divorce and he said he didn’t want to “go down that road again!”
During Christmas 2011, a week before I was due to move in with him, he got cold feet and back-tracked. He said that he “wasn’t ready” to live with anyone and asked me to give him more time. I was so angry. I finished the relationship (Dec 2011).
About a week later, he asked me to take him back again and agreed that I could move in with him. I moved in with him in Jan 2011. The week I moved in with him I made the decision to stop taking the pill. Why? For a few reasons... I was 38 and wanted a baby (maybe my last chance) and I thought by having a baby it would make it very difficult for him to end our relationship and ask me to leave. I soon fell pregnant and told him at the end of Feb 2011. I lied and told him that the pill mustn’t have worked but he could see that he thought he had been duped (which was true). We had a gorgeous baby boy in Oct 2011. However, he still refuses to marry me. I thought once the baby had been born his heart would melt and we would get married but it hasn’t turned out like that. Now I’m really scared – what if he finishes the relationship? I have no financial security. I’ll be a single mother ! Although he’ll have to pay child support - even with this money I can’t afford to bring up our baby on my own. I’ve asked him time and time again – why won’t you marry me? He keeps saying that his divorce and blighted his view of marriage and he doesn’t want to “go down that road again”. Is this the real reason or doesn’t he love me enough to marry me? He agreed for our baby to have his surname. Why is he not committing?

[searock]

God, how can people be so stupid?

Sorry OP, but you put yourself into this mess. You should have never taken back a guy who you knew was commitment-phobic, if commitment is what you wanted. Instead, you kept playing games and manipulating him into committing to you, hoping that one day he would magically change his mind and want to marry you. Is this what you think a healthy relationship should be based on? Manipulation and lies? He let himself get manipulated, don't get me wrong. He's just as messed up as you are. But seriously? Getting pregnant just to force him to marry you, all the time lying about taking the pill? Seriously?? I would be running from you as fast as I could. I hope you know that the only thing stopping him from running is the child you put into this world.

He TOLD YOU several times that he did NOT want to get married. Instead of accepting it and breaking up with him because you clearly wanted something different than him, you stuck with him, hoping to change him. OP, even IF he agreed to marry you now, you do know that it wouldn't be out of love, right? What kind of f*cked up marriage do you think it would be? God I feel so sorry for that poor baby.

[dem862]

He doesn't see you as marriage material. And frankly, you are not. You were very selfish to bring a child into this world without the father's consent. At this point, you are a single mother and you will have to lie in the bed you made. Get two jobs, or whatever you have to do to support this child. And stop relying on a man to bring validation to your life. The child's welfare is first and foremost. Hopefully, he will voluntarily support the child he helped make. But what you did to him is an extreme betrayal of trust and is unforgivable.

[Wakeup]

Why don't you threaten to leave him again if he doesn't marry you... maybe that tactic hasn't worn thin yet? O.o

[misombra]

fatal attraction.

[Bibi]

OOoh! Honey you cant blackmail someone into loving you. It’s not the case of why he wont marry you. He will most likely never marry again anyone. The fact that he didn’t want a relationship in the first place was a clear sign that he didn’t want to have anything serious, he was probably still tired from his marriage, and you practically manipulated him to get into something he never wanted in the first place. You cannot force love or commitment on someone, it’s not right, if you have any respect for him you will have to come clean. I really feel sorry for you. You have deluded yourself for 2 years. To be frank, 2 years is actually not that long of a relationship you could have waited a bit longer instead of burying your head in the sand. In anyway you have to be aware that this relationship will not last much longer even if you don’t come clean, he will never warm up to you the way you have it you mind. I suggest you make a back up plan for when thunder strikes and start saving money or getting some qualifications which will benefit you and your child in the future.

[bcgirl]

You are a fu(king cunt who deserves to be single forever. How can you manipulate someone and lie to someone in order to have a baby and get married? He has told you time and again from day one he has cold feet, but you persist and persist and sneakily stop taking your pill to get knocked up without his knowledge and any regard in what he wants his life to be. Does he know about this? I doubt it. If he did, any normal person would kick you out for being so evil and selfish. He's been honest with you, you haven't and use black mail to get what you want. Karma is a real biatch and what's going to happen is you will be a 38 yr old single mother. Try finding a hubby then when you are old and have baggage. Reminds me of a documentary I just watched last night "dear Zachary"
He doesn't want to marry you, he never did. Period. Next time don't look for guys 7 yrs younger... Another innocent baby brought into this world by a crazy

[Bibi]

Guys watch your language please. Dont be rude, dont forget that only God can judge, everyone makes mistakes from time to time.

[smackie9]

Sally you wreak of desperation...I can smell it from here. You have forced this relationship right from the start...using sex to encourage him to like you. Just take a look of your self righteous behavior, and how it has gotten you in a bad situation. Just because you let someone be with you doesn't entitle you to have a ring place on your finger. You have an extreme misconception of how relationships are supposed to work. Sadly you feel you have to use manipulation and other tactics to get what you feel you deserve. Bad bad bad girl you! You think you know where you went wrong by sleeping with him too soon, but that isn't it. You should have walked away when you saw the direction it was going. Tip: when your expectations are not being fulfilled, you end it, not manipulate a different ending. I am giving you the same advice...... He isn't fulfilling your expectation of marriage, you need to end it....right now.

[bcgirl]

Stupid breeds stupid. This causes a problem to society. You take a nutcase who thinks that she has the right to use the tactic of having a baby without thinking about the big picture and the impact of her poor decisions just for her own selfish purposes. Tax payers like us end up paying for single mothers who make bad decisions, this is why kids get put up for adoption or end up in orphan homes. Although there are many cases that aren't preventable, this is a classic case of something that can be prevented.

[SallyLee74]

Stupid breeds stupid. This causes a problem to society. You take a nutcase who thinks that she has the right to use the tactic of having a baby without thinking about the big picture and the impact of her poor decisions just for her own selfish purposes. Tax payers like us end up paying for single mothers who make bad decisions, this is why kids get put up for adoption or end up in orphan homes. Although there are many cases that aren't preventable, this is a classic case of something that can be prevented.

Yes, I've been stupid but I just wanted what my sister's got - a husband, a baby and a nice life. That's all I want.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You're ****ing idiot. End the relationship and focus on your child you selfish bitch.

Your kid is going to be really ****ed up.

[Lisalost]

Yes, I've been stupid but I just wanted what my sister's got - a husband, a baby and a nice life. That's all I want.

You don't get those things by being manipulative, you get them by being true to yourself and the one you love. I would say you have some growing up to do, and you really ought to be in therapy to work on your issues. You can become someone who deserves those things if you really want to, but do not for one second think that you are entitled to them. I completely agree that bringing a child into a relationship that already is not working is probably the worst thing to do, especially for the poor child. Please get yourself some help. Best wishes to you.

[dem862]

Yes, I've been stupid but I just wanted what my sister's got - a husband, a baby and a nice life. That's all I want.

Well you will never have that now. You picked the wrong guy. Life is the sum of your choices, and you make bad ones. You need to work on yourself, and don't drag other people into that mess you call your life. I feel like I am taking a risk to even answer your post. Get professional help, please.

[smackie9]

Your desperation and agressive attitude is what has prevented you from having all that. This why he has been uncertain about marrying you, or any other guy.