On Compatibility

[Drewau2005]

Hi
I'm new here, so thank you for the opportunity to tell my story.
My relationship is in a bad way. My wife of 10 years is saying that we are not compatible and that she wants to leave. She says that she still loves me but that there is no overlap in our lives. The overlap thing, ie the things that we do together, or don't do, is a problem. Indeed it is something that I have seen coming for months and have suggested on many occassions that we try to fix. Whereas I presume that two people in a realtionship do things apart, they also do things together. Our problem is that we don't do things together. We used to, and I still do, regular things like going to the movies, exhibitions etc. My wife however just wants to do things with her friends who are mainly fellow studnets doing a course that she is doing on trans-personal psychology and some new agers. Although I don't subscribe to a lot of what they do, I have been supportive of my wife in doing the course, both emotionally and financially. However it has alienated us; she doesn't want to do stock standard things any more only things with her fellow students, who are 'more aware'. When I question this and say we should do joint activities, she says I don't like her friends and if I did and was 'more aware' I would do the things she likes to do. I don't believe in everything she does, indeed I would calssify some of it as 'bunkum'. Her freinds cannot talk about anything else, they question nothing and disparage anyone who doesn't believe it all all wholesale. So my problem is that I don't want to do lots of new age things and even though I support my wife doing it, she say we are on 'different paths'.
I love her and feel devastated at the idea of losing her. If I say so myself I have supported her to do things which she is now using to turn against me. She is saying I am too old, I am 10 years older than her and I don't see it makes a difference, I am very fit and look after myself mentally and, up until this bombshell, emotionally. I have a responsible job and am therefor termed a 'corporate head' neither her or her frineds are in the slighest bit interested in the pressures I face day to day or even care to ask anything about me. I feel used and abused. I don't want for much just some semblance of a stable relationship where each partner has some joint commonality and respect.
Thanks for that I feel better pouring this out. We are off to the first session of counselling on Monday. Any suggestions ?
Whenever I have suggested things in the past she just says, 'it should be easier'. It used to be.
Thanks for listening and any ideas gratefully accepted.
Drew

[shh!]

Hi Drew - Do you two have any children, and how old are you both now? I don't think your age gap is all that significant, but it sounds like your personal interests are pretty far apart.

I worry about anyone deeply involved in the new age pseudo-spirituality. I see this form of spirituality as being very focused on self while lacking the emphasis that traditional forms of religious expression have on familial connection and responsibility toward others. (That is not to say that everyone who is involved is selfish.)

Unfortunately, if this part of her life is important to her, you will have a hard time pulling her away since she is likely getting lots of support from the wack-jobs that are hanging with her.

Stick with the counseling (although I would think what she really needs is de-programming), and in the meantime she may outgrow this phase. It might be nice if she were able to somehow gain some critical thinking skills, although I can't imagine how you could suggest a class without offending her.

[TAVS]

Dude, what sucks. Out of curiosity, what kind of 'new age' stuff are you talking about?

Sounds like a lost cause to me as much as I hate to say it...well except for Darma and Greg.

[Drewau2005]

Hi Guys,

Thanks for your replies. To answer your questions; No we don't have kids but I would love to have them.
The stuff she is in to is full on; Native American Sweat Lodges that is supposed to alter your consciousness, personally I prefer beer! Also things like being buried alive so with an air tube to 'face herself'. Although she hasn't done this yet, her friends has and she is consdiering it.
You are risgh it is so self-focussed that if you are not in it you are against it.
I live in Australia and it is nesting season for magpies, they regularly swoop people unwittingly near their nests. Llast week I was swooped and sustained a slight injury. My wife's response, was 'what does that say about what you are not seeing in your life'.
It is hard.
Drew

[shh!]

Yikes! She sounds like a modern day hippie adrenaline junkie. (Does she take drugs?) Even if you don't consider her mentally unbalanced, you would certainly have to agree that you have very different ways of looking at the world, and I'm not sure these differences can be reconciled to the extent that would be necessary to raise emotionally healthy kids...

[indigosoul]

very focused on self while lacking the emphasis that traditional forms of religious expression have on familial connection and responsibility toward others.

she is likely getting lots of support from the wack-jobs that are hanging with her.

Stick with the counseling (although I would think what she really needs is de-programming)

As soon as I began reading your post, I thought "cult mentality". Esp. the parts about you not being evolved & on "different paths". Isolation of ppl away from their support network by being "superior" is a classic sign of this sort of thing. Start reading up on this stuff; is what Shh! means by de-programming. Get help from your doctor. You'll need to become MUCH more aggressive about this if you truly love her & want to help. Suggest a month log vacation away from the culture (betcha she won't agree--try anyway). Good luck.

[mini696]

All I have to say is... People can (and do) change. 10 years of marriage is a long time, and if she is doing this I believe she is having a crisis (call it a mid-life crisis or whatever you want). Obviously she is trying to "find herself" which means she is very unhappy in her current situation. Maybe she needs to have a child to take her mind of herself for a change.

On the Magpie front, I got swooped this morning, and I know for a fact I will be swooped this afternoon, but that doesnt mean I'm "not seeing" something in my life, it just means the bloody magpies are horny and dont want you eating their eggs.

But to be serious, her saying "what does that say about what you are not seeing in your life". Thats is such an easy thing for people to say. What I would have done is ask her what she thinks I am not seeing. I think you'll find that was her way of saying that you are missing -or not doing- something she wants.

To get all mystical, and wierd on you here. Magpies swoop to protect their young, she says you are old, old people cant protect their young... She wants kids.

Mick