new love and I'm inexperienced and uncertain

[Cici54]

I know this is a super long post, but I was trying to be thorough.

I recently moved to a new area for grad school, and met this guy (two months ago), really enjoyed talking and hanging out with him, then he moves several hours away for his grad school. However we developed this relationship where we text in the evenings, then we talk on the phone for 2-3 hours just about every night. I think I’m in a relationship? A potentially long term, currently long distance one.

Background on me: I never dated in high school. I had friend but wasn’t popular. I usually felt like guys didn’t see me as someone interesting or worth their attentions. All my crushes were one sided. In college…I went to a woman’s college, so possibilities for socializing for guys were minimal, and I wasn’t exactly trying. I’m a big nerd, so when it wasn’t completely convenient, I took that as added reason to focus on school and ignore even trying to get a date.
I’m not completely socially inept; I have no problem talking to guys. Mostly I’m just not used to guys seeing me in a romantic way, and I fail at flirting. Being romantic makes me uncomfortable. I’m not great at taking a compliment. I did date one guy in college briefly, but he liked me more than I liked him, and as soon as I realized I wasn’t that interested I cut it off.

As for my relationship now, I’m pretty sure we’re both infatuated with each other. We haven’t talked about anything stuff like feelings out loud, and I don’t want to bring it up. I also really want to know if we have a physical connection, partly because I haven’t seen him in a while and also because he’s not at all the type of guy I usually get a crush on, visually/his style.

But wait, there’s more! We’re the same sect of Christianity and don’t believe in sex before marriage. He’s actually going to grad school to become a priest, and if he wants to be a married priest, he has to marry before he gets ordained. It’s not a super strict timeline, so he doesn’t have to get ordained as soon as he graduates, but still.

Marriage and commitment frighten me a little. I feel like there’s a lot of pressure from within my culture and family to marry, but I never thought I would meet someone who I would like enough to give up my independence for. I don’t want to be the wife who is automatically responsible for all the domestic crap.

Marrying a priest is actually a bad idea. They’re overworked and underpaid. Someone else gets last say on where they’re going to work. They’re kind of like a politician in that they’re a public face and if anything goes wrong everyone blames them. They have to be there when someone dies (gets married, has a baptism, or has any sort of issue). The priest’s wife shares half of all this (being a public face, being expected to deal with people’s emotional needs, etc.).

In addition to this, I have brought upon myself worries about what my parents think. I’d rather keep them ignorant than have them disapprove. I told my mom that some of the few guys I had met of our religion (read: acceptable to date) were planning on going into the priesthood, so she joked that I of course wouldn’t want to date anyone like that. Also, the guy I’ve been talking with isn’t the same ethnicity as me, and my mom is very pro-marrying within our culture. Right now, the plan is to keep them in the dark until the last possible moment. Did I mention I have two overprotective older brothers? We live in different states, and they’re not that scary, but they try.

What issues do I have, what problems are I about to get myself into, am I about to emotionally screw myself over?
On one hand, I really like him, and I think I could fall in love with him. I’m impatient to see him again.
On the other hand, the future is scary. The idea of getting married is scary, but then I also feel like if I walk away from this I’ll end up alone, but I don’t want that to be a reason to be in a relationship.

[Agape]

Well the main issue is the long-distance relationship . . .those are the deal-breakers and it really tests how strong the connection really is.

It's kinda soon, only been 2 months and as you say, "As for my relationship now, I’m pretty sure we’re both infatuated with each other." . . . but all in all, it seems to be going well for you two - no reason to ruin a good thing,

As for the parents, I know for me I couldn't care less - the relationship is between you and him.

[Bella82]

I know you've got alot of questions about your relationship and it's good that you're being honest with yourself, but I wouldn't jump the gun too much -- it seems like you're getting a bit ahead of yourself as far as the future, what your family will think, what being the wife of a priest will be like, etc.

What if you didn't think about the future? Don't worry about his getting ordained, marriage, your parents -- anything. You're just getting to know each other and aren't in a position to have any of your questions answered just yet. Cross that bridge when you get there.

Try focusing on him as a person, your relationship and how you are together, and see where this takes you two. And have fun! Both of you are in such a cool part of your relationship where you're getting to know one another, and figuring out what makes the other tick. Enjoy this time!

[reeba]

i see dating as sort of a learning process to see what works for you and what doesn't work for you. you should never tie yourself down into something that you honestly don't think will work. the stress and heartbreak and anger could ruin you from being able to have a healthy relationship with someone else further down the road. also how can you meet that special person if you are stuck in a deadend relationship.

marrying a person who works for the church means you have to be just as dedicated to the church too. you and your husband will be viewed as a team and you will be expected to be very involved and lead some functions. it is difficult enough for him to balance family and dedication to the congregation. but you obviously have career goals if you are in grad school. you will have to balance family, congregation, and your career. good luck with that. especially if he has no choice on where he is assigned to and for how long. you know the military does that too. so you aren't the only person that has to face this dliema.

it sounds like you have a connection with this man. but only you can decide what will work for you. it isn't going to be easy.

by the way. i think your parents would be thrilled if you married within your religion and would quickly be able to overcome the ethnicity thing when they realize he is a good man.