Six weeks and counting...

[Jas_mine]

...thought by now it would've got at least a tad easier but nope, I was disillusioned.

So we broke up, and when I say 'we' I mean mostly him and not so much me, and supposedly it's definitely for good. Although we have broken up like three times exactly like this before, and it has always apparantly been for good which is why I am stupidly still clinging on with hope. What can I say, I am a sucker for punishment.

I don't even know why I am here, just to rant I suppose, or for release I guess. I know what I should be doing, moving on with my life and all that blah, blah, blah crap instead of continuously phone watching and over analysing/re-playing events - my two new hobbies might I add. Don't get me wrong, I do mope around the house for the most part, especially did so in the aftermath of our breakup but I can be social butterfly too so am still embracing life, as difficult as it may be, living life without that special person, not having them to share new experiences and events with, wondering if they think of you as much as you do about them, surely they can't miss you, if they miss you it's only because it's a choice they made to do so right?

Have dissected my failed relationship over and over again, have cried, have been furious, depressed, in self-pity mode, have lost my appetite, have missed him deeply, have regained my appetite, have sent him stupid drunken texts, have missed him yet some more - list goes back and forth, ranging from every emotion, just wish I could forget him now. There are so many guys vying for my attention, just not him and that sucks. Big time. I just wish I didn't feel any more.

[FrailWings]

We're all guilty of chasing, out of desperation fear. You say drunk texts, you're going back to square one constantly, and you can do the same thing for a year, but if you keep hitting the reset button you'll go nowhere.

For your own sake, the relationship needs room to breathe, time is needed. Been there done that, got the ex back too early and it failed. People devalue how important time apart is needed. Do no contact, it'll hurt, we've all been there, but we've all got out. You will in time. Go out with your friends, try and keep yourself occupied right? I wouldn't wait, i'd prepare yourself to move on, but that doesn't mean you won't get back, it'll set you up for reuniting, or going seperate waves. If he's the one, he'll come back, it's a cliche but true. He'll be missing you too, until he finds someone better, or gets back with you. Do NC, and keep us posted. Good luck.

[RuntimeError]

Funny thing about humans is things become more appeling to them when they don't or can't have them. I know I played this game with my ex for years ... cat and mouse back and fourth between us ... what a waste of time.

Try imposeing the "ZEN" throught proccess on your situation. Your goal should be to get to a point where you are ok with out him. It is only then that he may or may not return and it is at that point that it won't matter any more .... if he comes back that's cool and you have the choice of weather or not you want to be with him and if he dosen't, well that is ok too becasue you are at a point where you are ok without him.

I know all this is hard but just remember we all go through this and it sucks but we have to remember that we have an amazing ability to adjust and what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger!

Learn from the mistakes and let them go do not keep replaying them in your mind and don't hang on to only the good stuff either that is usually what holds people back from moving on, I am sure he had his faults too.

I agree with the No Contact at least for the first couple months ... I know it is hard but this is the only way you will break the pattern and nueron pathways that have been created in your brain. You were great before him and you will be great after him.

And what's wrong with going out wiht other guys? ... Now I don't recommend jumping in to something new that maybe alittle wreckless(rebound meaningless sex) but I think it can be good to get out there and relate to other guys.

[cmacattack1]

Have a little fun and try to distract yourself. Phone watching and moping around the house aren't really distractions. You can't break your dependence on him if you are depending on him to surprise you with a phone call. And you are living in a dream world if you think that he is going to swoop you off your feet and say "I'm sorry, I love you". Just a snap of reality for you.

I know it's not easy but you have to make an effort and you have to try, even if you just feel drained all the time. You know that when you are out with your friends you do feel a little better, and all you have to do is continue to build on it. We all have been where you have. People break up all the time. It just never hits home until it happens to you.

You have dissected the relationship and hopefully have gotten a good, honest reflection from it. This is a good thing because some people do not learn from their mistakes and make the same mistakes again and again (i.e. me). If you have recognized what you did wrong, you know what you need to do in terms of working towards fixing it. If you have recognized what he did wrong, you know what kind of behavior to look out for. This relationship has made you a better person even if you feel like you lost a part of yourself.

You have to think logically about this. You guys have broken up three times and you felt like "Oh another break up, we will back together soon, no big deal." Wrong. Very wrong. Breakups are a serious deal and they need some time apart to really take a step back from it, as getting back together out of lonliness doesn't ever solve anything. And it didn't solve anything the first three times you did it. It's an important lesson to really pay attention to.

[Jas_mine]

Thanks a lot guys.

By the way the drunken texts were in week two, have not contacted him since then, have deleted his number, email, Facebook and such. No contact, I know is essential for space and to help people realise what they genuinely want but is quite difficult in my situation as we work together - that's right same place, same department - now, ain't that fun. But yes, I have distanced myself from him, don't indulge in any small talk when he approaches me or texts me regarding work, I keep it strictly professional and to a bare minimum. Hey, I even rejected his offer of a lift home last week - aren't you guys proud of me?!

Oh and I have been on a couple of dates since, after a relationship ends I try and focus on socialising or making acquaintances with other guys - I guess to stop me from thinking about ex-dude and also for a bit of attention after the whole rejection drama. This always ends badly because you go out and have a great time yet are wishing the guy sitting opposite you was your ex, then you get home and feel even worse because dating somebody else has made you miss him even more. Not to mention now you have these new dudes on your tail that you aren't actually romantically interested in. Have done it after every single damn breakup and I feel guilty for meeting up with guys who I know I will not be interested in simply because I am still in love with somebody else - is that not evil, the whole stringing someone along?

And I really don't want to ramble and make this post reeaaaaaaaaaly long but just so you know that we were dating for just under two years, which I suppose is not that long, except that we spent practically every damn day together (working days, weekends, holidays) so I guess this is why it makes it so difficult. Also the reason we broke-up sucks - religion - the root of evil some might say. Yep, not because we don't love each other or somebody cheated or we had some massive disagreement but because we are different religions and for him, in the great scheme of things, that's a big deal. We were absolutely happy together and connected well, madly in love and what not, I was the love of his life and all that crap but there was always that conflict, he always felt he had to choose between me and his family and religion, and he chose the latter. I was bitter at first but then I guess you realise that you can't force somebody to be with you, everyone is entitled to make their own choices, free will and what not. He belongs to an extremely strict religion, and mine is the opposite, very liberated, and there is a lot of history between the two. Not in a good way! We discussed our future together quite a bit and he was certain his family wouldn't accept me (they wanted me to convert, so did he though), that he would have to go it alone if he married me (which apparantly he is forbidden to do anyway because he is not 'allowed' to marry outside his religion), he wanted me to guarantee our children would take his faith - in the end it became too intense, just very narrow-minded and selfish of him, and partly somewhat racist.

If you truly love somebody, you accept them for who they are, you do not try and mould them into your ideal. I know in some ways I am better of without somebody so weak, somebody who can't make his own decisions, somebody who has been somewhat brainwashed but at the same time I completely understand his dilemma and accept his decision.

Phew, now that was long! Thanks for bearing with me guys, and thanks for listening. Have a good day peeps. xxx

[cmacattack1]

That is a pretty brutal way to go. It seems like if it wasn't for that small snag, everything could be happy and perfect again. There just HAD to be more than just religion involved?! I can't understand being somebody who hasn't been to church since I was forced to up until the age of 6 and haven't been baptized or had my first communion. But you are right, if you don't fit into those list of priorities, there isn't much you can do. What are you going to do? Convert? Maybe he'll change his mind or maybe he'll find somebody that fits his religion. It's not up to you to wait around for that decision to be made.

Keep your chin up. You probably just aren't ready to give your heart to somebody else for now even if the dates do give you an ego boost. It takes some serious time. You will be at some point. Or somebody will really swoop you off your feet like every girl dreams. Keep your confidence up and keep yourself always ready to run into that special somebody.

[Gigabitch]

I'll bet this will be a question that comes up early in dating for you going forward, jas.

"Would you like to go to dinner with me?"

"I don't know. Are you a member of an oppressive, orthodox religion that will eventually come between us and cause heartbreak and despair?"

"Why, yes, I am. Is that a problem?"

"Yup. Buh-bye!"

[asdfg789]

You sound like an intelligent and attractive person. You said you have no shortage of suitors. Still you cannot forget him. But of course ! You see him everyday at work !

Perhaps you have to do something drastic - ask to be transferred to another department or another location at work where you will have NO contact with him.
Better yet. Get another job.

May not be the most practical thing to do given the current state of the economy. But something to think about ...

[lostlars]

I have a similar situation to yours where I worked with the guy in the same department. I ended up transfering and moving to another city last summer. I couldn''t take seeing him everyday so I know how you feel. I wish I could also tell you that was the answer...but for me it wasn't. I still think about him every single day months later and question my move and if it was the right thing..so I dont know..it works for some out of sight out of mind. It doesnt work for schmucks like me.

[Jas_mine]

Thanks for the insight Cmacattack1 (hope I got the name right!) - I don't understand myself, guess love doesn't conquer all. I'm a hopeless romantic through and through, don't quite get how my faith is such a major issue - just don't date somebody outside of your faith to start with if it is such a big deal to you dammit! But we have been there three times before and he has always come running back to me saying that I was right, love is far more important than religion and all that but then I guess he has that nagging feeling that hinders him from progressing so am not holding my breath. I suppose it's his entire lifestyle and he doesn't know any better, and he doesn't want to disappoint his family. I do think 'c'mon, be a man'! Oh well!

Thanks for the chuckle by the way Gigabitch - brought a smile to my face!

And it is rather difficult to switch departments asdfg789 , it is quite specific, can't do what I do elsewhere. And why should I change jobs because of him and give him that satisfaction? I was there before him! It would be nice to get away though. And to agree with lostlars, don't think it would help, would make it worse, I know it's sad but at least now I get to see him around, if I moved away I would just spend my time wondering what he was up to and wishing I could catch a glimpse of him. Yes, just shoot me now for admitting that!

[Gigabitch]

And it is rather difficult to switch departments asdfg789 , it is quite specific, can't do what I do elsewhere. And why should I change jobs because of him and give him that satisfaction? I was there before him! It would be nice to get away though. And to agree with lostlars, don't think it would help, would make it worse, I know it's sad but at least now I get to see him around, if I moved away I would just spend my time wondering what he was up to and wishing I could catch a glimpse of him. Yes, just shoot me now for admitting that!

Actually, he's the one who should switch jobs.

[cmacattack1]

You are right 100 percent about how love will not conquer all. We'd like to believe so and I'm sure we all know plenty of examples of the perfect couple that married right out of high school or have been dating for a while and everything seems perfect (even though we don't know the half of it). It cannot compete with the things we go through everyday if both are not committed to making it work. I'm not saying he doesn't love you (although his actions make you wonder), but if his heart is not in it at this point and time, it can't happen. That's the problems with breaking up many times, each time it happens, the more detached and more immune you get to the feeling, even if each time it feels like you are getting your heart stomped on. Breaking up should not be a common thing and should be treated very seriously and thought about very thoroughly before any reconciliation happens (not because they come back begging and crying, because you feel bad, that's no reason to get back together with them).

[lostlars]

I agree with last post. Every breakup de-sensitizes you and is a little less painful then the first. Its like you know its coming, so you wont allow yourself to fall as deep as you once were with this person.

[Jas_mine]

Okay, so he sent me a mega-long text just to apologise. Again. He had already apologised post break-up but I suppose he is still feeling guilty and needs to explain himself yet some more. Just wish he would p**s off, please excuse my language, like just leave me alone, I don't need your lame-ass explanations.

It was just along the lines of enough time has passed now and hopefully you are happily in love with somebody normal (it has been just over six weeks - does he honestly believe you can find somebody and be in love that quick?! Okay, I take back the find somebody because there is never any shortage of blokes but love?) Anyway he just goes on to say that I was the most amazing person he ever met, that he never meant to hurt me (then don't innit, it's that simple!), that I was special and so was our time together, and that hopefully I can forgive him because he can't live with me hating him. Urgh, whatever!

Then wait for it, he tells me how he's not with anybody but has met girls his mum wants him to marry, and that he hopes to get married soon and that we wouldn't have ever worked because of the cultural and religious differences - like, why are you giving me an update on your life dude, like I give a s**t, okay I lie but that's besides the point, just makes me furious that's all. Just had to share the completely ridiculous aspect of it with you guys. Thanks for listening. Has ruined my day though.

[asdfg789]

He actually seem to be a nice guy who does love and care for you.

But it appears he is not one who is driven by love and love alone. So he has decided that the religion issue is not something he wants to live with for the rest of his life.

If that is true, perhaps you can look back and say - wow, it was great to share part of your life with this wonderful person. But it is just not to be and it is time to move on.