Confused and worried we dont want the same things anymore : (

[rinkytinky1983]

To give some background, my finance and I have been together for 4 years. He has been working overseas for the last two years, we have only seen each for 12 weeks in total over those two years due to his job.
I am really starting to get depressed and down about the situation, I want us to be a proper couple and see each other every day and think about getting wed and starting a family. I am not convinced he feels the same - he seems to love his job more than being with me, or our life together.
I feel dissapointed as we were so close once - but now when ever we speak on the phone it seems to end up in an argument or is tense. I get worked up because I miss him and hate only being able to speak to every few days.

I am fed up with making such a big effort all the time. He has promised me he will hand in his notice in June and come home to live for good, he always said he would stop the job once it started to affect our relationship - I am just worried it is too little too late. When we see each other next month, we wont have seen each other for 6 months - this seems to be quite reasonable to him but I find it outrageous, especially as he has a choice. He isnt in the military or anything.
Am I being completley selfish and crazy? I am so worried the rot has already set into our relationship and these two years or misery and heartache will have been for nothing. Has anyone been in a similar situation where it turned out ok?

[SelflessnHumble]

It is not impossible to have a successful relationship while being apart for 2 years....BUT it is highly improbable. Why?
As humans: we need touch and physical affirmation.

Now, when HE CHOSE to work overseas....You agreed to it, even though it could have been reluctant. <--------Accountability.
His job is his livelihood. If you cannot grasp that concept? He isn't the man for you- that you once thought he was. That dude is long gone.

If there is an argument: it has to be on your end, right? While he is busting his ass over there...you're emotionally compromised due to your
predisposition of feeling discontent on a choice YOU were a party to. <--------------Responsibility.

Now we come to the meat and potatoes of it all...
You are now fed up with making such a huge effort when he doesn't do the same....This is your right to feel this way.

In fact: I can tell you that being overseas is just the same as being 30 miles away or less...If he only calls you every few days
it sounds to me it is because he can't stand to call you any more frequently than this. IF he wanted to give you his time: He'd MAKE time no question.

Now, if you find it outrageous concerning the frequency and gap of seeing each other....That is your right.
It's important not to make him choose him or his job.

What to do then?
You tell him you need to talk to him either him giving you his FULL, undivided attention over the phone OR? A face to face meet.
I'd go with the phone because he will bullshit his way into your heart with words.

Important: You don't argue, whine, moan, bitch, complain, yell nor fight. K?
Instead you as an adult have a civilized discussion giving him the respect you'd want in return.
You speak calm, humbly and have an inviting tone. NO ONE (I repeat) NO ONE, NO MAN:

Wants to deal with an irrational/emotional woman who can't appeal to a man on a logical/reasonable and sensible level.

You tell him that his job has adversely affected your feelings for him and in turn: the future of this relationship...
If he validates your concerns, great.
If he does not? He doesn't truly care about you nor respect you. How then can he love you?

If he chooses to work overseas, and in turn refuses to stay with you it tells me he doesn't really choose you as his priority and THAT....is HIS right! See that?

So, what he have here is a failure *by you entirely* to communicate effectively.
Instead you internalize, and then unleash that over the phone. <----------Not good.

If you feel the relationship has run its course?
You need to step up as a woman and do the right thing: tell him that this isn't what you signed up for and because of his
unwillingness to invest the same level of effort, attention and commitment into YOUR relationship: you need to be with a man that values that.


Now...are you being selfish? Yes.
Are you being crazy? No.
Unreasonable? Yes.