Confuse, hurt and waiting.

[Sblancy]

Hi everyone I am new here. I would like to get some advice.
I have this Long distance relationship for almost 8 months.
He came onece a month in france and he is in UK.
A week ago
I was really being so grumpy becAuse of the situation that he is being so busy
At work which i was trying to understand.
Then i felt really sad and alone not just because of that but because also a
Family problem. So saturday night i didnt talk to him and slept coz i guess that would
Be the best thing to do in my side coz i was working the whole day, stress, and tired.
Sunday morning till afternoon he had a rotary event.so we only had a bit
Of time to talk when he got home coz he will go to the gym right after. So after the videocall
With him which i said I love you at almost the end of the call probably he didnt hear.
So i sent him a messaage of I said i love you!!!!
And he said he didnt hear so i replied ok.

So monday morning May 7 i feel bad coz i know i might hurt him and also not being
Understanding of him being so busy.
I sent him messages the normal day. Even apologize. I said sorry.
But during that day he became cold. He only sent me a message saying that he just need a bit
Of time through his ends and i asked him if its about work or something else
And he said a few things really.. so i said ok. I let him.. i was waiting
Nights pass no message from him. I said goodnight coz i was tired and sleepy. I only
Receive a message of just a stranger message of saying a goodnight too.
So the next day tuesday. No messages at all. I was waiting.. i was hurting.. i dont
Know what to do. So i almost midnight i decided to call him which is normally he
Make the first call..
But he dropped the call. And without explaining why.
So i sent him messages imeessage, email, facebook and kik.
Thats the communication we've got. I have no choice. I need an answer why he is doing that.
Yeaterday May 9. He just said me he need time to work in terms of us, work and etc.
so i said ok i will give him the time.
What i am thinking right now . I dont know if i have done wrong which makes him
Not to talk to me, message.
Is it normal from a guy to do that?
I admiitted what was weomg with me and even explained but his in side i don't get it. Right
Now i dont know what to do. Im just really crying and hurting.
I love him and i dont know if its in that simple thing he changed already then what should i do?
I hope i can get any response from this forum.
First time to be here so . Thanks in advance..

[DalM0m]

Ouch. Clearly he wasn't ready to hear or say I love you. You have probably scared him. That is a problem after 8 months together.

Has there ever been a plan to close the distance? Having an LDR is fine but if there is no plan to make it conventional, what's the point?

Sadly it sounds like he enjoyed the convenience of an LDR . . . there when he was in France but very limited time or financial commitments while you were both at home. Now that you are getting more serious, he's pulling back.

[Sblancy]

We both already have plans of working it out to be with each other but with my current situation which he is aware off and fully understand I can't move yet. He knew it from the beginning of the relationship. He said we will always figure it out. Find a way.
We never argued yet and this recent matter i can consider its not an argument coz its a small thing i guess..
At this time in my side. I am asking myself if there is a chance that he will pull back? Until now he is not sending me a message . Would it be the same even after his ready to talk?
Well. Next week we are both going to paris for weekend. We both see each other then sunday night he will be back to uk and visit me again by we until the 28th of may.
Im thinking and worried. Should i be prepare that he might come to see me and then tell me that he is going to end the relationship? Or am i being exaggerated?
Thank you a lot😄
This forum is helping me to relax due to what is happening right now..

[TheEvilJester]

Long distance relationships can be VERY hard and I think you are starting to see a big part of why. Truth be told, I don't think any of us can tell you any more than you already know. Because we can't necessarily read minds. So, all we could do is speculate.... which usually results in dreaming up all the most negative possibilities when maybe you are just blowing things out of proportion.

I will say this... where you maybe could have handled this a little better was in the initial disagreement. He asked for time to think and you told him you'd give it to him.... but then you proceed to reach out to him repeatedly from all sorts of different methods you had to contact him. How exactly was that giving him time and space? Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to make you feel bad. I 100% understand how you felt. That uncertainty is killer.

I will also say this... if he needs time to think that is fine.... but he really should have at least given you some idea of a time frame on that. Like "I need some time to think about us. Let me give you a call next week when I have some down time." Something like that. Then at least you'd have SOME idea of when to expect to hear from him. It's not okay for him to just keep you in limbo forever.

Have you two said "I love you" before? Or was that a first? Because DalM0m could be right. Maybe he wasn't ready to hear that/say that yet and it scared him a little. Unless that wasn't the first time and you two were already at the stage of saying that.

You say that you two do have some plans of eventually moving closer together.... but are there any actual solid plans for that? Because talk is cheap. You can both say it all you want, but if there isn't some actual time frame on it, then it will just start to get harder and harder. If there is no known expiration date on the long distance situation, there may soon be an expiration date on the relationship.

Anyway, for now I think as best you can just take some time to yourself. He's doing that now with his "I need time" stuff. So, if you can help it, rather than wasting that time torturing yourself over what he's going to decide... take that time to be good to you. Take that time to think about where maybe things aren't working for you in the way things are currently. Think of what needs to change for this situation to work for you. That way, if he does decide he still wants to be with you, at least you come out of it with some idea of how you want to move forward so the relationship actually has a chance to go somewhere. Think of it this way. If he decides to end things, that isn't going to change whether you worry about it or not. So, why not let yourself have a little peace of mind and take some time to grow and heal yourself... then worry about that when he does reach out next. Though, that said, also have a reasonable time frame in your own mind by which if he hasn't reached out yet you will. Because it is okay for him to ask for some time to think.... but NOT to expect you to be okay with that "time to think" stretching into weeks or even months.

Good luck to you.

[Sblancy]

The time that i was sending him messages thats before he literally said to me that he need the time to think in terms of us.. so when he exactly told me that i keep myself away from him. No messages at all. I will wait for him to reach out. Thats what i can do.
We normally say I love you to each other but the last time it seems to be not the same as before..
When he said the time he never give me an exact time frame for that but in my mind i give myself for him to reach me out like until this weekend..
because i guess a 5 days without connection would be enough for him to think knowing that we are going the next weekend in paris..

Good thing he sent me a message today but not the same as before in a normal way. No sweetness at all. I will let him start a conversation again.
I was reading also here and it helps me a lot to realize things as well that i should also give time for myself instead of crying and being sad about what is happening in my love life.
Thank you guys!!🤗🤗😊😘😘 it is much appreciated. I will keep u update

[Hooo!]

What for me is key in a long distance:
1) Have an outlook you both want and work towards being together again.
2) If there is trouble just go and talk face to face if it is possible
3) Dont take bullshit. He needs time? Time for what? He ain’t sure? Well then you’d better talk about it. That’s what you do in a relationship. You talk about your problems together and you solve your problems together. He won’t tell you? Well that’s bullshit. And I wouldn’t take it
That leads me to
4) there are problems in relationships, especially in LDR. And you are in a relationship that means you face them together. Even if the problem is that one of you feels weird about the other. You are there for each other.
5) don’t cling but also show sincere affection.

[Sblancy]

I agreed to what you said hooo! That is why i feel better for the responses that im getting and also reading from others post...

He sent me a messAge today like just a random person from hus life probably like how's everything going?
I didn't say that i am not fine.
I was totally fine earlier coz i just finished reading that makes me feel better.
So i just replied one at a time when not even making a new topic in my side or asking about what happened or anything..because i know he is still busy at work coz thats what he mentioned to me earlier " busy like usual"


I will see tomorrow or the weekend if he will finally be calling me or not..

But right now self love and worth should be prioritize not good to felt this way of hurting for no exact reason why..

[Hooo!]

Sorry but you didn’t get what i wrote at all

You act like a hurt person
He acts like a hurt person

Instead of reaching out for each other
Being there for each other and
Finally discussing openly and totally honest the problems and feelings you both have in order to
Help each other on your own ways forward and
Maybe discovering a way for both of you while you are at it

[Sblancy]

So should i send him a message and ask him about it even he told me he needed time in terms of us?

[Sblancy]

Hello guys. He reach out to me yesterday and explained what was happening. There was nothing wrong with me nor to what i have done being so grumpy..
behind his back of mind he was thinking that he wont be able to give his usual time for me in this relationship due to his busy work so he was like he might be giving only the weekend to communicate with me.
And i told him that ill be fine but just let me know.
He already said something that we might ended up breaking up for so many reasons in his side. But he is not saying that he already want to break up instead to see what will happen and continue what we have. But if that happen he asked me if i will still be talking to him even we are no longer together? I said maybe not maybe yes but for me in able to move on i will not be talking.

Because of the work/business going on which is the (spin-off) it might affect his time coming to Paris with me and also his time to be here for my birthday which is the week after next week..

So i said ok, i cannot do anything by now. He can't say that he will come but he will try even he already booked to come to paris and see me.

I want to hold on coz i do really understand the situation. But i dont know in his side?
Should i give up on him? Because he doesnt want to feel like his hurting me by not giving the time than usual?

[Hooo!]

See that’s exactly what I mean
If you had talked about this without the whole „i need time to think“ stuff and just rather „tackled problems as a pair and together“ this whole drama didn’t need to happen

Instead of discussing your new query with us you should discuss this openly with him as a team and find a solution together

This is a skill you need to master in order to have a healthy relationship

Else every little problem has the probability of creating this unnecessary drama

[Sblancy]

Basically we had a talk recently . Its only hard thing this time is coz i dont know if he is going to talk me or not. If we are still together or not.

[Hooo!]

Yes those talks are hard
If relationships were easy more would turn out well

However if you don’t talk the result maybe the same or worse.

Believe me when I say I know how difficult those talks can be. However if you learn how to do these talks well then they get easier the more you spend time with your partner

[Sblancy]

Thank you Hooo! Its much appreciated your response.
There's a lot of things bothering me which is very unusual from him..
after what happened.
He became cold, not calling me the way he used to, not giving messages during the morning and the evening which is not usual from him.
He even mentioned a negative thought which is not being together for long time and probably end the relationship he asked me if i still be talking to him"?
So i said no. It will be hard for me to move on if thats the case.
What do you think about that? Or maybe i am just overthinking.

[Hooo!]

Id suggest meeting up with him if that is a possibility and talk about t face to face

Most relationships are complicated especially in the beginning when you get acclimatized and start to make your lifes compatible to each other
This is more difficult on long distance but it can be done. I’m living proof of that.

All those worries and drama are usually because of either
1) Not knowing what you keep in the relationship for because there is so little contact and especially physical intimacy
Sometimes that goes hand in hand with
2) lacking emotional intimacy which MUST be avoided. Be intimate with each other emotionally without being oppression or overburding (clingy)

3) lost interest or new interest in someone else

4) limiting beliefs about how ldr „cannot be done“ and others

5) People just not being ready to be in a relationship that actually requires work and hasn’t got all the benefits

6) no common outlook of when and how you will be together again

7) a Person being unclear about their own emotions. Not realizing for example that feeling deep love and having a crush are two fundamentally different feelings.

- - - Updated - - -

I’ve probably missed something but I think I covered it pretty thoroughly.
Im not saying your relationship is going to end well

Im just saying that by all the drama you may have
You can be sure that the negative emotions you have now are due to your LOVE for him
And that is something he should know

And if he feels the same way it is a tough common ground for any argument in any relationships.
If both partner just worry or feel bad because they love their partner and verbalize this before tackling the actual problem it creates that
„ we love each other and we need to change xyz as a team in order to continue to feel good in the relationship“