Alternative to nagging?

[~Aetherius~]

So I hear this all the time, how much men hate their wives/girlfriends nagging them.

"Take out the garbage, mow the lawn, fix that leaky faucet! Nag nag nag!"

What can I do, then?

I clean the house and take care of the baby full-time. He works part-time (makes enough an hour that part-time is more than enough to cover what we need). We're very happy overall, but there's a few things that I need help with. He's agreed that his chores involve taking out the trash when he heads out to work (I can't do it because it would involve leaving a 4 1/2 month old alone in an apartment for several minutes), putting the dishes away and vacuuming. The last two are because the majority of dirty dishes and floor messes are his doing. The rest of the chores around the house are completely mine, and I do them without complaint.

Unfortunately, he forgets to do his part. I remind him, I've posted a chore chart on the door so he sees it when he leaves as a reminder and I've set reminders on his phone for him (with is permission). He gets annoyed at me whenever I ask him to do something more than once, but if I don't ask him then it won't get done.

It seems unfair for me to do these tasks anyway, when he's agreed that he will do them, but I don't like how annoyed he gets when I ask more than once. I feel obligated to ask multiple times, though, because sometimes the trash bag will sit there by the door for days before he gets around to it (and turns into 2 or 3 trash bags in the process) and sometimes the mess on the floor or the dishes in the sink will build and build until I have to step and do these chores for him. And then what happens is he gets all upset with me because he was going to get around to it and now he feels guilty that I went ahead and did it anyway.

So I would appreciate some ideas on what to do about this. I don't like nagging, I don't like doing all this for him and I don't like leaving it for days until he "gets around to it". Thanks a ton :-)

[oneandonly]

Tie up the trash bag the night before or early in the morning and leave it right inside the door where he cannot pass without moving it himself. He can't forget that, can he, cos he has to lift it before opening the door?!

[vashti]

Honestly, I don't see situations like this improve. I think you are going to have to learn to live with him being a slob. Being tidy isn't ingrained into his personality. If you need more help, and he won't do it, I think you should hire in a housekeeper.

[surfhb]

i agree. Either hes the kind of guy who gets shitt done or he's not. Doesnt make him a back person, but he wont change.

I say take a tally of stuff you'd like seen done. does he do it eventually or just when you fee it needs to be done? I think you'll see that he will get it done....just not on your terms

[broken man]

my ex wife was like you and thats why she is my ex , she done the same thing....posted a chore chart which i hated and ignored and then forgot about and she nagged me right out of the relationship.

[Lulu]

Quit having sex with him cause you are too tired from all the housework.... that worked for me.

[broken man]

Quit having sex with him cause you are too tired from all the housework.... that worked for me.

he might get sex from some one else then ! if i was her i would just accept he is the way he is .....

[surfhb]

Quit having sex with him cause you are too tired from all the housework.... that worked for me.

Oh wait! Im a having a vision! Yes....its...its....a nasty divorce in your future!!

[Lulu]

We did break up! HAHAHA! But- we ALWAYS had the best sex. That was about all we had...

[Sixpacj]

What you need to realise I think is that men are not as much emotionally influenced by their environment. Which is why they can live for years in hotel rooms and pigsties. It just dont mean much of a difference to them in the sense of their emotional well-being. The paradigm here is that men influence their environment, not the other way round, so he may feel very little need to "clean up", cause wheter it is tidy around him or not makes little difference.

Women, OTOH, are shaped and influenced by their environment, apparently, "it speaks to them" or something I read somewhere. So they put value on the environment being nice and tidy, because a nice environment makes her feel nice. It is a different paradigm.

You will never change this. And he will never change to feel about this the way you do.

You may need to work within the given parameters. I think the best way is to talk to him calmly and "rationally" and explain to him how it makes you feel. Present it as something he can do to make you feel better. Any other for of your female "emotional communication", like getting angry and throwing tantrums, will be taken as an attack and may lead to deterioration of your relationship.

Well, that's what springs to my mind based on my experience...

[Lulu]

Wow- that is insightful and VERY good advice!

[~Aetherius~]

Oh we talk about it all the time. He and I are exceptionally open and good at communication. He knows that it makes me feel a little unappreciated when he doesn't do the tiniest bit to help out around here. He seems me getting stressed trying to take care of the baby and keep the house clean (he says the majority of the house being clean is my job because he works, and I think that's entirely fair). He allows that sometimes, with a young baby, daily events are going to keep me from getting much done every day, but he doesn't want it being dirty or too cluttered.

His issue isn't that he doesn't want to help, because he does. He holds the baby for me when I want to get the tidying done while he's home, or the cooking or whatever, and I let him know when his few tasks are ready (FYI I do put the trash in front of the door so he has to grab it on his way out, and he does the most amazing thing! He picks it up, puts it NEXT to the door, and then walks out without it lol he says it doesn't even occur to him what he's doing, that he's not paying attention and just thinks he's moving something out of the way without realizing it needs to go to the dumpster lol) and he says he'll get to them as soon as he finishes what he's doing (his tasks are putting the dishes away and vacuuming). Aaaand then he forgets >.> I usually remind him half an hour before bed or half an hour before he has to leave for work, that I'd appreciate it if he could get his tasks done before he goes, and he always says "sure, no problem!", but they don't get done!

Like I said, I don't wanna nag. But the thing I don't get is why men will complain about a woman nagging to get stuff done when all she's trying to do is get a little help, which is entirely fair!

The chore chart was his idea as an aid to memory. He's really trying, he came up with some ideas himself, but they just don't work. I guess his mind just isn't in that zone.

[Love&Life]

"He knows that it makes me feel a little unappreciated when he doesn't do the tiniest bit to help out around here. "
Now, this is interesting. So you link this to yourself, but he doesn't. Don't take this personally, however things need to be done... Can you afford a help in the household? Maybe someone in your building?


As Broken Man has experienced this from the other side, maybe he can give some tips on this.

[~Aetherius~]

"He knows that it makes me feel a little unappreciated when he doesn't do the tiniest bit to help out around here. "
Now, this is interesting. So you link this to yourself, but he doesn't. Don't take this personally, however things need to be done... Can you afford a help in the household? Maybe someone in your building?


As Broken Man has experienced this from the other side, maybe he can give some tips on this.

Not really. And it's only 3 chores that he's responsible for, I handle everything else without too much trouble. It seems kind of silly to hire help to do nothing but vacuum, put the dishes away and take out the trash lol

Forgot to mention, we only have 4 of each dish total, so the dishes need to be done daily, sometimes twice in one day! But it's not many altogether, so this shouldn't be a big deal to him... and our place is quite small, vacuuming doesn't take long...

[Looq]

My gf annoys me with her nagging sometimes. I full intend to do everything that is my responsibility around the house, but on my own timetable. Which usually means before bed for me and on weekends. She nags me though if its not done immediately and to her timetable. If it gets done when it needs doing, I don't see the problem. If you guy just doesn't do anything ever unless nagged, then I would recommend drawing up some sort of "contract" with a list of your agreed upon duties around the house. Might work, might not. Depends on the guy.