she broke up with me...but now she keeps contacting me?

[tramster]

I was with this girl for over 2.5 years. We had our ups and downs but somewhere along the road things happened(we were both at fault) and our feelings grew apart. Anyway long story short she decided she wanted to break up and just see what else is out there(this was her first serious relationship). The break up was very emotional for both of us she told me how she'll always love me and she hopes this isnt the end of us and things like that. Its been two months now, she contacts me about once a week either over phone or fb and asks me how im doing, tells me about things shes doing, asks me trivial favors that anybody else could do for her and things like that. I still love this girl very much and wish we would be back together so i have a dilemma. During these 2 months i have not initiated contact, its always been her but i have recently told her that she needs to let me move on and stop trying to be friends because its just not going to work...at least not yet. Shes recently had a conversation with a mutual friend who told me that she doesnt understand why we cant be friends and also that she feels the happiest shes ever been. Shes not dating anyone nor has she been with anyone during these 2 months. My question is should i keep my distance as i have these past 2 months(which obviously isnt making her want me back) or should i go along and be her friend which would give me an opportunity to see her and maybe try to rekindle some passion and feelings by being flirtatious and whatnot?? Any advice is appreciated!

[Wakeup]

My question is should i keep my distance as i have these past 2 months(which obviously isnt making her want me back) or should i go along and be her friend which would give me an opportunity to see her and maybe try to rekindle some passion and feelings by being flirtatious and whatnot?? Any advice is appreciated!

Why did you think that not initiating contact would make her want you back in the first place? NC is for getting over someone who has broken up with you so that YOU can take care of yourself and do the best for your own emotional health. It's not a strategy to make someone want you back.

IMO: You'd do best to keep up the no contact and NOT respond to her trivial attempts at keeping you on HER terms and HER terms only. You want her for more that a platonic friend, no good EVER comes out of being a Platonic friend with someone you want to be romantic with so don't hurt YOURself by trying to win back someone who has broken up with you. If she wants you, let her email subject line read.."I've made a huge mistake and I'd like you to reconsider our relationship." Anything less is just you jumping through her hoops. You may not see it that way right now, but at least give it some thought before you go running off to be demoted from lover to "friend" on her request.

[smackie9]

She doesn't miss you, she misses the familiarity of the relationship, which is normal. Being friends is just a long slow way of moving on. The reason why I say that is that she never said she wants to try again, and she won't.

It's normal to want to experience other relationships, but it's not always going to happen right away, which she has found out. Now she is clinging onto you as a buffer til she does meet someone. She doesn't like being alone and looks to you. What she needs to do is to fill the void with new firends, activities, and interests.

Make it final, cut all ties, no contact, move on. Don't let her make you think that you have a chance, justbecause she is not liking being on her own.

If you feel you need to take a chance, step up and call her out on it, either you try again as a couple or nothing at all.

[HDBadger]

Both smackie and wakeup are dead on. As an example, I dealt with almost exactly the same situation you are dealing with for much longer than two months. Plenty of "I miss yous" and "I'm thinking about us" but no honest effort at reconnecting. Do not settle for anything less than, "I want to be with you."

The "relationship" you have now is not healthy. Nor is having contact with her. Think about it: What exactly are you? Nothing, really. Not lovers, not friends, not anything. It's a weird, dysfunctional existence. Don't feed into it.

Leave her alone. Don't talk to her. She wanted space. Give it to her. She can't have her cake and eat it, too.

If she sincerely wants to get back with you, she needs to use those words and tell you. Otherwise, be done with this nonsense. Don't make the same mistake I did by indulging wishy washy behavior for the better part of a year.

[smackie9]

Both smackie and wakeup are dead on. As an example, I dealt with almost exactly the same situation you are dealing with for much longer than two months. Plenty of "I miss yous" and "I'm thinking about us" but no honest effort at reconnecting. Do not settle for anything less than, "I want to be with you."

The "relationship" you have now is not healthy. Nor is having contact with her. Think about it: What exactly are you? Nothing, really. Not lovers, not friends, not anything. It's a weird, dysfunctional existence. Don't feed into it.

Leave her alone. Don't talk to her. She wanted space. Give it to her. She can't have her cake and eat it, too.

If she sincerely wants to get back with you, she needs to use those words and tell you. Otherwise, be done with this nonsense. Don't make the same mistake I did by indulging wishy washy behavior for the better part of a year.

Good post!

[tramster]

Ok I understand what u guys are saying but what if she's not the type of person to come out and say i made a mistake I want u back...we really didn't break up under such terrible circumstances so I just don't wanna be rash that's why I was asking if that option of "being her friend" might lead to us hanging out and rekindling some feelings... maybe I'm just holding on the last straw and being hopeful...

[Wakeup]

Ok I understand what u guys are saying but what if she's not the type of person to come out and say i made a mistake I want u back...we really didn't break up under such terrible circumstances so I just don't wanna be rash that's why I was asking if that option of "being her friend" might lead to us hanging out and rekindling some feelings... maybe I'm just holding on the last straw and being hopeful...

Maybe you ought to google "Ladder Theory" and educate yourself about being placed on the "friends" ladder. You'll not be doing yourself any favors by letting her demote you from lover to friend.

She has no reason to miss you when you're already there. Let her go sample the single life and you do the same thing (without her being half/assed in your life). Let her really know what it's like without you in her life and perhaps she'll want to be more than just your friend again. Don't count on it though. Just let go and get on with your life without her stringing you along. You'll soon enough find someone that wants to be with you and not just as your friend.

I'll add that by your last post you'll unlikely take our advice and you'll do what you want until you learn on your own, which is usually the way. Just don't let her hold all the power.. Right now she holds ALL the power. Know that in situations like this, the person that cares less holds the most power. You deserve to be in a happy, healthy and reciprocal relationship where there is a sharing of power.

[HDBadger]

Ok I understand what u guys are saying but what if she's not the type of person to come out and say i made a mistake I want u back...we really didn't break up under such terrible circumstances so I just don't wanna be rash that's why I was asking if that option of "being her friend" might lead to us hanging out and rekindling some feelings... maybe I'm just holding on the last straw and being hopeful...

If she's a mature person, she can be honest with you and tell you that she wants you back. It's really that simple. If she truly wants to rekindle the relationship, she'll say it.

I'm not one of those strict NO CONTACT people. But you simply can't allow someone to have her cake and eat it, too. It's not healthy. It just isn't.

Now, if you want to be her friend, and nothing more, then by all means be her friend. But it doesn't sound like you want that. It sounds like you want a relationship, and she doesn't at this point, so there really is no point to continuing contact. All it's going to do is enable her unhealthy behavior. Guess what, when she dumped her boyfriend, she dumped all the perks that come with a boyfriend, too. That means no more friendly talks. That means no more romantic gestures. Done. She gave it up.

Trust me on this one, man. I've been there. She is either in a relationship with you, or she's not. Period.

[IndiReloaded]

... maybe I'm just holding on the last straw and being hopeful...

Yes, you are doing exactly this^.

Really, its natural you don't want to 'hear' the other posters answers. Tho, I do think you *believe* them in your gut. Here's another way to think of this: this gal can't (or won't) actually come clean with what she does/doesn't want. This may be b/c she want you back and can't say so (unlikely) or she just isn't into anymore and wants to be 'friends' a la Ladder Theory.

Are either of these things a good thing about her? I mean, really, what guy wants to be with a woman who can't actually ask for what she wants (or not). This is exactly the kind of thing married guys end up going to bars for a decade into the relationship...

Move on. You sound like a decent guy. Find a girl who is into you as much as you deserve. Every second you waste thinking about this one is time you could have spent w/a new girl.

[CAM]

Move on. You sound like a decent guy. Find a girl who is into you as much as you deserve. Every second you waste thinking about this one is time you could have spent w/a new girl.

Good advice. Sometimes, it isn't easy to follow Indi's (and others') advice, but out of sadness can emerge something new and better.