Torn between two ...

[RR32]

I have been dating a woman with 4 kids (7, 10, 11, 13) for almost 4 months now. I have never been married and do not have kids of my own. We have both expressed recently that we love each other. She actually put it out there first. We have a solid connection. As u can imagine with 4 kids comes a lot of distraction ... Good and bad. Ex-husband is terrible. Divorce has been 6 years. This past weekend we had our first fight of any consequence. When things get difficult she needs "space" and retracts. I am the opposite and feel disconnected when she pulls back. I guess I'm not used to that type of response. I like to flush things out and communicate. Am I being overly sensitive and is her need normal?

Part two of the issue is this fight and how she handled it has made me question if I can deal with the situation. I very much love her and we have so much in common, laugh often and at the same things, have passionate loving sex and her friends and family love me. It's the peripheral stuff that concerns me. I often find myself playing "dad", partly because I do enjoy her kids and the satisfaction, and partly because the real dad is rarely there and really a terrible person ... But the kids have not emotionally developed enough yet to see who he really is ... Right now he's "disneyland dad" as she puts it. The peripheral stuff of him showing up late to pickups, etc cause her a ton of stress and anxiety that bleeds into us since I often see her right after or before. The peripheral stuff of just 4 kids ( all girls) complicates a lot. Often I am a part of there life, but here again she will pull back. I like being a part of it but get confused when she doesn't include me or ask for help. I know I could marry her and be a full time part of it. Maybe I am pushing her too hard. I want that in my life and really can see myself with her in the future. My question is is it enough considering all the outside forces. One on one, it's the best relationship I have ever had.

Part two and a half is an ex has always been in my background. Things didn't work out in the past due to me living in another state for the bulk of our relationship ... Long Distance is tough for me. I am now back in the same city and our situation to be together. She is single, never married, no kids, works in a similar industry. She has always wanted us to work. I find myself more attracted to the person I am with physically and there are a few more things that excite me about her. However, the ex has time and the right situation ... And do still have feelings for her. I'm over whatever resentment I had and she has clearly grown ....

So is the right situation or the right attraction the best to grow and create a long term, loving Relationship???

[James Banes]

Definitely go with your single, kid-free ex. No question about it.

There are many red flags about this other woman:
--divorced
--4 kids
--gets distant when angry
--ex-husband doesn't like her at all
--she's looking for extra money to raise her kids

I don't care what anyone says, Do not go with the divorced mom. Bad, bad, bad idea. From your post, I gather you know the divorced woman is a bad decision but you wish to stay the nice guy so you're conflicted. Stop being the nice guy and leave her. Then the conflict will be over.

Resume your old relationship with your single, kid-free ex because it's better to start a family with a woman with less baggage.

[broken6391]

Sounds to me like you want to go for the easy option, which i think is very shallow you say you love the women your with now but because of her situation you dont know what to do, you knew her situation when you got with her and told her you loved her, so either man up or be honest with her because the only person you thinking about at the minute is you and she and her kids dont deserve that.

[broken6391]

Typical man, take the easy way out !!!

[James Banes]

She's a divorced woman with 4 kids whose husband is still in her kid's lives. If he wanted things easy he wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with her in the first place. Another red flag I didn't mention is how she doesn't like to communicate but he does. Lack of communication is a terrible sign in a partner.

Relationships are voluntary. It is not shallow to go for something easy. Why is it shallow to go for the divorced woman who doesn't treat him like a real partner over his ex who always wanted things to work out?

There is a difference between a challenge and a hassle. When a relationship is a challenge it means there are trying times that bring lovers closer together after overcoming the odds. A relationship is a hassle when too many negative things only seem to push the lovers further apart. His relationship with the divorced mother is a hassle. His relationship with his ex-lover will be a challenge: to rekindle the old fire; to set their goals on the same course; and to find something fresh and exciting that only seeks to make his relationship stronger.

RR32, your ex is will give you more than the other woman ever could.

[broken6391]

But he knew all this when he got with her and now things are a bit hard he doesnt know what he wants but he still told her he loved her and if this other woman is an ex then it didnt work out first time round what makes you think will work this time? Just because the woman he is with now has 4 kids and is divorced doesnt mean its a hassle. Life isnt easy and if he says he loves her than why cant he be man enough to stick by her and try and make it work?

[James Banes]

The reason his relationship with his ex didn't work is because she lived in another state. He said long distance relationships are tough on him. Now that his ex lives in the same city as him he thinks it can work.

He may have known she was divorced with 4 kids, but he didn't seem to know the husband was still in the kids lives, causing strain and problems on the relationship. He also didn't know she likes to go cold and distant whenever they fight. He says he likes to communicate and her distance is hard for him to deal with. He also said he feels confused when she doesn't ask him to be a part of his relationship with her kids.

There is much judgement on him but not enough judgement on her. He said the ex-husband is terrible and his presence causes anxiety. There's nothing he can do to stop the ex-husband from coming around. Why did she marry a man and have 4 kids with him and divorce him? There are probably also issues with her, like her communication problems, for example. Why should he be man and stick by her but her husband get to leave? If she was a good wife, and he was a good husband, they probably wouldn't have divorced.

Plus, just because you love someone doesn't mean you should be with them. At 19, I fell in love for the first time. I told her I'd always love her and my first girlfriend said the same. But she ended up cheating on me and getting pregnant. And she didn't tell anyone, not her parents or me until she could no longer hide it. She even tried to lie and say it was mine but tests proved it was someone else's. Since I broke up with her, she got in trouble with the law and got into drugs. She's doing better these days but still bad.

I will always love her, but I cannot be with her. Just like this man, he can still love her, but he shouldn't be with her. This divorced woman has major issues. It's possible his ex needs him more than the divorced woman. Should he deny the love for his ex to be the good guy?

[mwahahaha]

wtf does periphial mean? is it an American word? and why use it so often. plus 4 kids? lol. run like the wind periphially.....

[broken6391]

Bottom line he wants the easy option !!!!

[mwahahaha]

Bottom line he wants the easy option !!!!

Anybody that uses the word periptial 3 times in one paragraph, isnt looking for the easy options dude.

[broken6391]

JUst cause he uses big words, doesnt mean that. Get a clue !!!!

[mwahahaha]

JUst cause he uses big words, doesnt mean that. Get a clue !!!!

Get a clue about what? He has no easy option.
A woman with 4 kids or an ugly uncomplicated ex. Nothing easy about that choice. If it was me id be thinking about leaving the country and growing a giant moostache for disguise purposes.

[Wakeup]

I'd be questioning her judgement in general. Any mother who would allow a new man in her life of only 4 months to be part-time dad to her kids is not having her childrens best interests in mind. Bringing new suiters in and out of their life is tantimount to abuse as far as I'm concerned. You leave and then she brings in the next guy.. lovely.

My suggestion: Fly the coop and before you go tell her to be a little more descerning about who comes in and out of their lives and perhaps wait at least until she's absolutely certain that who's she's introducing them to has been with her longer than the honeymoon period so she can determine if she and he can stand each others bulls*it... that way the kids won't be having a new "daddy" every other fiscal quarter.

[mwahahaha]

I'd be questioning her judgement in general. Any mother who would allow a new man in her life of only 4 months to be part-time dad to her kids is not having her childrens best interests in mind. Bringing new suiters in and out of their life is tantimount to abuse as far as I'm concerned. You leave and then she brings in the next guy.. lovely.

My suggestion: Fly the coop and before you go tell her to be a little more descerning about who comes in and out of their lives and perhaps wait at least until she's absolutely certain that who's she's introducing them to has been with her longer than the honeymoon period so she can determine if she and he can stand each others bulls*it... that way the kids won't be having a new "daddy" every other fiscal quarter.

yeah , same as what i said basically. without the big words....wtf is a fiscal quarter? American money? We should never have gave you independance... sigh

[Wakeup]

hahahahah ..