I Lost My First Love...

[hello_gorgeous]

Well this is sort of a rant but I also want some feedback/advice. Sorry about such a long post.


So we start dating and it is just the most amazing feeling I have ever felt. We slowly started to hook up more and more. And about 5 months in we had sex. Keep in mind that I was saving myself for a special girl so me having sex with her meant A LOT to me. My feelings for her grew even more. I would now just sit back and think about having a future with her...she meant the world to me and I'd do anything for her.

The next month, I got into a huge fight with my dad and left home for a few days. This is when i gave into the temptation of smoking marijuana. Worst choice of my life. My girlfriend was pretty upset at first but then she started smoking again and smoked with my and my friends. It started off as maybe once or twice a month. Then we got sucked more into it and it was every weekend and even sometimes before/after school. Well the whole time we were smoking, I lost touch with who I am as a person. I started to care less and less about everything and more and more about weed. Well needless to say, that negatively effected our relationship.

2-3 months(at this point we had been dating for about a year and 2 months) ago she broke up with me because her feelings of being 'in love' faded. She said that it was because I stopped caring about our relationship and I didn't appreciate the little things she did for me and I also stopped doing the little things that I used to do. Well I was devastated after this. It was a slap in the face, I didn't know things had gotten that bad.

Well, we got back together 3 days later and we both understood that serious changes had to be made if we want things to work. We had moved away from being two individuals and turned into one person. We were co-dependent. She agreed that we need to work on that and start to have a health relationship. The first few weeks were amazing. On the third week she told me that her feelings that she once had came back to her. I was really happy with the way things were going. The she just started acting kind of distant. She started to be too busy with school to really talk to me. It'd get to the point of her saying "sorry its too late now, we'll talk on the phone tomorrow night" and the next night it would be a different excuse. She stopped doing caring. She became cold. I would write her a sweet little love note or send her a cute text and all I'd get in return was "thanks" or "that was really sweet" I sat her down several times and asked her to show me some affection because at this point after being dumped not too long ago, i really am not sure if you feel the same. She would always give the same response of "you know i love you, i don't see why i have to do that" I begged her to do that...she just simply told me that she has changed and that wasn't how she was anymore and she thought it was weird. I told her that if things didn't change then I couldn't be in this relationship anymore.

The last time I hung out with her was 3 weeks ago. We had really amazing sex all day and I felt like things were picking back up. By this time I was done with school though, so I didn't get to see her everyday anymore. She was getting a tattoo the next weekend so we weren't able to hang out, also because of mothers day. Well I made it clear that i REALLY wanted her to go to my graduation because it was really special to me.

She stayed home to study for a chemistry test instead.

Seriously what the ****? I don't know, that was really the last straw for me. Not last night, but the night before I broke up with her. I explained to her why it wasn't working for me and she just told me that it was a rough patch and wanted to work through it. But I had already broke. After weeks of being the only one who is trying in the relationship I was emotionally exhausted. I insisted on the break up.

Now...two days later. I'm feeling like absolute crap. I want her back but I know i can't go back to that. She told me that she loved me the morning after the break up and i asked her to text me after school, so we could talk again and possibly work things out, or just get some closure. Well she never texted me back. Looking back, I did my fair share of messing things up in the relationship, I got a second chance and I made a huge change in myself. She however stopped caring. It makes me feel like I'm worthless because even at my best, I still wasn't good enough for her.

I want to work things out with her because I'm still very much in love with this girl...but how long do I wait? Or do I even go back?

[boosh87]

This is pretty similar to my own story except she was the one who broke it off with me. Its only been two days so of course you feel bad at the minute but if you want things to get better you have to be strong right now. You said yourself you can't be in this relationship any more and it sounds like it was dragging you down, so the best thing for you (and probably her) if you are breaking up is to take the biggest steps right now. It sounds harsh but delete her number, delete her from social network sites. If you're sure this is over then don't contact her at all. Its much easier to accept and begin letting go if you aren't speaking to her every day. I know it won't mean anything now but the most important thing in your life is you and if you aren't happy then in time you will see that this is for the best.

Gradually you will feel a sense of relief that you don't have to constantly please her and try to keep in her good books without anything in return. I know how much it hurts (loads of people do) but the right thing to do is ALWAYS the hardest. Something I found helped was to imagine yourself in a year's time, can you honestly see yourself in a happy relationship with this girl in a year? From your post it sounds like the answer is no, so surely its better to leave this behind now and look to your own future? Good luck man, I know this post probably isn't what you wanted to read but I lost my first love a couple of weeks back and you have to get through some really long hard days before you start seeing the light again.

[hello_gorgeous]

Thanks man, but yeah it isn't what i wanted to hear but it makes me feel better because I know that its what i really had to do.

[Kaius]

She's concentrating on school, which is what a young student is supposed to do. Love and relationships are SECONDARY to one's academics. You know why? If she studies hard and gets good grades, she will land a good job and have a good future.
The probability of you being in her future is near 0% (statistically). You people are too young to be in a "serious" relationship. Just have fun and don't think too much.

[hello_gorgeous]

Oh yeah I understand the whole school thing, I mean i was able to make time for her and still get pretty good grades. And its not like my graduation took up the whole night, only like 2 hours.

[HiMyNameisNick]

this is a pretty similar situation to what ive been through, except im on the other side.

My GF messed up alot but I loved her so I stayed with her. But eventually I just got sick of it.
But then she started trying really hard to keep me but it was too late.

if its too late then its too late...nothin you can do.

This was my 1st real breakup, and even though it was tough I knew it had to happen.

So just forget about the relationship, go have some fun with your friends, etc....

[hello_gorgeous]

I guess so. I just don't see why she would come back to me after the 1st break up and then tell me all of her feelings were back...

Idk, im beyond hurt at this point.

[cmacattack1]

I guess so. I just don't see why she would come back to me after the 1st break up and then tell me all of her feelings were back...

Idk, im beyond hurt at this point.

She says this because she's afraid of being alone and having that comfort you provided for her all the sudden disappear. It's scary and it leaves quite a shock. Three days later it was back at it and she would talk about how "everything is amazing again". Talk is one thing but her actions are showing you otherwise. Your relationship is no longer a priority. If you aren't on the same level of commitment and she is spacing herself from you, the relationship is going to die no matter how hard you are trying to keep the relationship afloat. Getting back together so soon helped her gradually detach herself from you and she is just dragging her heels until you get sick of it and dump her. Then she's the victim and she doesn't feel nearly as guilty.

Remember, you broke up. Why are you still talking and texting like everything is okay? It's not, it's a serious step to get yourself and your life on track without her in it. You can't help how you feel and you love and care about this girl. But the best thing to do is just leave her be, no more talking, and try your best not to sit there and stare at your phone. She is the only one that can make you feel better but she is only thinking of herself right now. You should be thinking of yourself and how getting back together would just put you back in the same situation you were in before. Logically, it cannot work, especially this soon because regardless of how you feel, she hasn't had time to change as a person and if she hasn't changed, it would have the same result: breaking up again. She would have to really reflect upon this and find a reason to be with you again, and she can't do this if you are interferring in her life. It takes you being away to really appreciate it. That's if she has a change of heart.

That's not in your control though. And life is too short to wait around and sulk and be miserable. So you won't have sunshine shooting out of your ass, but do your best to keep your spirits up, keep busy, and spend time hanging with friends that maybe you haven't seen so much before. If she tries to talk to you, pull a 180 on her and tell her you need space and you need time to be on your own. Because you do, you cannot be happy with her if you aren't happy with yourself. And you aren't happy with yourself at the moment I don't think.

[hello_gorgeous]

Wow. Thanks, that was some awesome advice. Really appreciate that.

And what you say makes complete sense about her detaching herself from me. It saddens me that you saw that because I KNEW it was happening. I just knew it, but i didn't want to accept it. Now it just makes me really pissed off how she just kinda used me.

[cmacattack1]

It was selfish on her part, yes, but I don't think she knew any better. What she had with you was comfort and losing that without being prepared for it really scares you. It made her miss you and she came back, but it was only out of her need to squash her lonliness. We can't help how we feel and certainly try your best to understand that I don't think she did it on purpose. Many people do ridiculous things in relationships that they don't really reflect on until they look back on it. Me, being an example, had such a self esteem issue that I believed I didn't deserve my ex and dragged my heels until she did dump me. Then I acted insane trying to get her back when I didn't even stop and look at how I brought it upon myself and how selfish I was being.

Anywho, shit happens and it's a learning experience. Don't hate her and don't hate yourself. I think you are a much more experienced person and it has helped you grow and prepare you for a more advanced and mature relationship. So it might not be with her. And you might run into each other again down the road. Either way, you will find somebody and everything will be okay. Don't be afraid to have a little fun, do not be afraid to be on your own and find happiness without somebody. Because when you do, they will come to you. I promise.

Work hard, make the most out of every day, and keep yourself involved with things that help better yourself and things you enjoy. Sports? Good exercise, friends/teammates, etc. Gym? Good exercise, meet new people. Schoolwork/job? Improving your grades, yourself, making some money along the way. There are plenty of things to distract yourself with and while you will think about her no matter what, time will pass much faster and that is what helps you heal here. Kind of tough to see right now, but this is an opportunity to better yourself. Better yourself for the next person that comes in your life.

[hello_gorgeous]

Thanks again, I recently found out that this other girl (in my opinion is really gorgeous) is interested in me. While I am NO where near ready for another relationship, it was a very nice confidence booster for me. I know I shouldn't jump into another relationship any time soon, but I have developed a small crush on her so i am confused. Do I push those feelings away? Wait longer? Or what, I'm at a loss right now.

And thanks again, i really do appreciate your advice it means a ton to me.

[hello_gorgeous]

Update:

I was feeling really really down, I broke the no contact rule. I asked her how she was doing and explained that I didn't want us to ignore each other and that she was still important to me. She told me that she wanted to get over me by not talking and I told her that was fine, but I just wanted some closure and i pointed out that I didn't want to get back together. She pretty much said that her feelings weren't the same anymore.

Not gonna lie, it really hurt me. I had a good cry and felt better afterward. I am experiencing really high highs, and even lower lows. I miss her, the old her. And knowing that she has changed quite a lot does help me because I know that she isn't that way anymore. It just makes me really sad. Pretty much i am getting better day by day, I have a lot of hope for my future, and I am excited about it. I just wish i could have her...blah oh well.

[cmacattack1]

Be careful with the breaking the no contact rule. All the progress you made so far can come crashing down on you when you do this. And you have made progress believe it or not. I texted my ex a quick "happy birthday" this past weekend and after only running into her once and saying a quick hi a couple weeks ago, and her one text back had my head spinning for hours. I dreamed vividly of her that night. This was after no contact of eight months and when I felt so confident in how I felt. You have to stay strong and stay on your own. You think you need closure, but you really don't. Talking again this early on just reopens the wound and you both are trying to close it shut. You are going to hit so many highs and lows, but you have to handle this on your own and not be tempted to run to her and talk about the hurtful past when both of you are trying to forget it. Find any outlet you can: non-mutual friends, forum, exercise, anything but talking to her. It's part of the process of learning to live life without them in it. They aren't there anymore to help, what are you going to do? You have to do it on your own.

It'll show what you are made of and what kind of character it takes to not go to her when you are feeling down. She is expecting it, so do the unexpected.

[hello_gorgeous]

Her best friend started trying to contact me earlier, I told her I was doing fine, but i missed her at times. Why do you think she was doing this? Her way of keeping tabs on me?

Also, I think you may have missed the post previous to the one you responded to, if you could please look back and read that it'd be awesome. I really value your advice, it really does help me a ton,

[cmacattack1]

Ah, you mean the gal that is digging you right now? I don't think there is anything wrong with hanging out with this new girl. If it feels like its progressing and you guys end up hanging out more and more, you should consider letting her know that you like her but you are going through a tough time right now and might not be 100 percent available in terms of boyfriend material. Like you don't have everything to offer at the moment. Yeah, it's a tad depressing but it's certainly being honest and that way her expectations can't be completely out of proportion. You have a small crush on her but that does not mean you love her and don't let your emotional state make you think otherwise.

That's jumping the gun a bit. Focus on taking it one hang out at a time and see where it takes ya from there. Keep us posted!