A flirt or just good friends or chemistry?

[confusedsquare]

Some 3-4 weeks ago I met up with this really pretty Italian girl in my Tennis club. She is quite friendly with everybody in general and an extrovert with many friends (both guys and girls). In the beginning when we met, she told me that she joined the gym to get to know other people and improve her English. From the moment I first saw her, I was attracted to her and as I got to know her more, the attraction has multiplied – heading towards a territory which has been unknown to me for a while.

IT GETS COMPLICATED: The problem is that we are both in relationships - although my relationship has been in trouble for a while and I and my girlfriend have been considering separation (long before I met her). During my 7 years with my girlfriend, I have never ever flirted with another girl and always been completely faithful (even during the many lows of our relationship).

With her though, I have started feeling a renewed sense of passion and as I put to her yesterday – more alive - after being in a long and difficult relationship where I have not felt loved for a long time. We started hanging around and practicing sports together and really getting along well - she is non-stop laughing when we are together – giving me the impression that she enjoys my company. We have spent most evenings chatting/laughing/training together and then I walk her back home and say goodnight. To be honest, I don't plan to start anything with her at this stage - as we are both in relationships but at the same time I am finding her too attractive and feeling too passionate, to just ignore her - especially as I have not felt like this for almost a decade.

I feel that we have developed a strong chemistry between us and after connecting with her on Facebook, we started sending each other, mostly friendly but subtly flirtatious messages. And just yesterday for the first time, we also spent a few hours chatting with each other online and asking/discussing personal questions about each other’s lives, meaning of love etc. I also asked her whether her boyfriend would be upset if he found out about her chatting with me and she said YES. She asked me the same and I also said YES my girlfriend will be upset but we continued to chat.

IT GETS MORE COMPLICATED: Then she asked me my age. The trouble is that I am much older than her and I felt that she would just change her feelings/sentiments towards me (if any) after hearing my age as I am around 12 years older. She is 22 and I am 34 (although I look about 5-8 years younger). She joked that I can lie if I wanted to but I couldn’t get myself to lie, so I told her my real age. She seemed shocked but didn’t change the friendly attitude.

Today, she sent me a chat message again and we ended up chatting some more and she asked me if I would be going to the club tonight. She also asked me that she wanted to delete the chat history as she wouldn’t want her boyfriend to find out. She told me that she never had to hide anything from her boyfriend but she doesn’t feel our conversation was just ‘normal’ friendly chat and therefore she wouldn’t want him to know about it. At the same time (to me) she seems in denial as she makes it sound that our interaction is ‘just friendly’ and no one should have any reasons for suspicion (including her boyfriend or my girlfriend).

We again met in the club and spent a really nice evening together and getting along well. While I was walking her back, I mentioned to her that if we were single, I would have asked her out for dinner as it was her birthday today. And she (without showing emotions) replied – yes, but I am in a relationship and I replied, so am I!

Now my questions for you:

Do you think there is something going on here and the feeling might be mutual?

Do you think I made a mistake telling her my real age at this early stage when feelings (if any) were not mature?

Do you think she is just a nice girl who enjoys my company and perhaps wants to improve her English in addition?

I am happy to be just a friend (at this stage) although my emotions are a bit too strong for that. Also I feel thirsty for love as I have been in a loveless desert for too long
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[sookie6]

I wrote a whole message on here...why is it all gone?

[confusedsquare]

Hi Spokie6, Sorry for that. I think the thread was deleted by the moderator as there were duplicate threads ...Can you please share your thoughts again.

[sookie6]

OKay then....

I was just saying something you probably don't wanna hear anyway.

I think more than chemical the attraction to this young woman is very sexual. She combines all the explosive ingredients that would make a male stray away from a long term relationship:

-she is 22 ( at 22 a woman has the beauty of the devil..sorry this is a French expression but it's very true)
-she is exotic and comes from Brasil (people in South America are SO sensual it's crazy)
-she gives you attention/love (you think)
-she is taken (whick funnily enough makes her even more attractive)

So yes no doubts you are attracted. But on the other hand you need to keep in mind that 22 is an age when one wants to have fun and don't think too much ahead. While you would probably invest in a long term relationship...also between now and being 30 she will change tremendeously you should know that...

So my advice to you is yo focus on your current reationship first and decide what is wrong with it. If you don't feel love for your partner then you have to address this issue seriously and in a clean way...meaning breaking up for the good reasons...not because you are attracted by someone else...but because love is gone for your partner...it's the only way to save you from future regrets...

So whatever you do...take baby steps and respects your current partner...

[to-cinderella]

Confusedsquare,

She can be chatting with you from different reasons
... she likes you
... she likes that you like her
If its the second one, be careful, you might be hurt...
if its the first one, its worth to find out, what you two could get toghether...

Just consider, to be an honest and fair man, if you are not happy in your current relationship, you should stop it first before you go for the adventures...

[confusedsquare]

Thanks for your replies. I appreciate it.

Spookie6 - 'Unfortunately' I don't think my feelings are sexual - I know it for sure as I know how I feel towards girls that I just find sexually attractive. I see your point about her being young and perhaps the risks attached with that. I am definitely not thinking of leaving my present partner because of the feelings I have for this girl although those feelings have helped me to be somewhat more objective (less emotional) about my current relationship.
to-Cinderalla - I will definitely sort out my current situation before I start anything new.

Some updates:

We met up again and there was again looks and body language and messages that suggested something (to me). Also she secretly contacted me and chatted and sent me messages, hiding it from her boyfriend but also mentioned that she doesn't think she is doing anything wrong. She comes across as very sensible and mature for her age. When we discussed/compared our relationships she said that her current relationship is a stable one (unlike mine) but then she still continues to communicate in a suggestive manner. I have a feeling that she might be having troubles or doubts about her current relationship in which she has been for about 3 years but she is in denial. She did say during our first chat that love doesn't last for more than a few years....Any further advice would be appreciated.

[confusedsquare]

Some more updates:

I seem to have figured out the situation as things have moved quite quickly in the last few days. I agree with both Spokie06 and to-cinderalla. I think the attraction for her is sexual and she probably likes that I like her.

Two days ago, we ended up meeting for coffee spending about 4 hours in the park, later the same evening/night we spent 6 hours chatting on Yahoo and after staying up all night we ended up meeting in the early hours of the morning at 4am spending the next 3 hours walking, talking and 'more' in the cold night (crazy I know!). In all 13 hours spent together and ended up kissing intimately but I had to stop though she seemed to be willing to carry on with more. When I asked her if she liked me the next day, she said NO she doesn't as she loves her boyfriend. Strangely she still wants to continue with me and wants to go out and maybe even travel together if there is an opportunity!

I know that I have 'slipped' and what I did is not honourable and against my own character...but I let myself slip as it seemed to be helping my pain in my current situation. This the first time it has happened in my relationship of 7 years. My excuse, I think is that I need her as a 'distraction' to detach myself from my current relationship that I haven't been able to give up despite the many odds. Not sure if it is a good strategy but it seems to be working for me at present as I am able to look at my current situation more objectively (less emotionally).

Despite the temptation, I don't want to go any further with my 'adventures' until I have resolved my present situation.

Any further thoughts/advice is welcome!

[to-cinderella]

this girl is strange, i dont know what she is doing!

[oneandonly]

'............She comes across as very sensible and mature for her age..............'

How you got that impression from her is beyond me cos from what you've said she's just totally the opposite of all that.