How important is engagement?

[ohmy]

Hi,

First off I'm new - hello everyone. And thanks in advance for any advice.

I guess if there are any guys in here I'm interested to know what they think of engagement? How important is it to them to propose? Or do they think it's a crock and they only do it because their girl expects it?

My b/f and I have been together over a year and have been talking about marriage for several months. He moved in with me about a month ago and we had agreed we wouldn't just live together. That we'd get married shortly after. Well I bring up the topic today (we haven't talked about it in over a month) and he said "in a couple of months". Well that's the answer I got a couple of months ago AND a couple of months before that. Is he wanting to be cheap and not get a ring? Or does he not think the engagement process is important to lead to the getting married process? We've played with the idea of eloping and I guess that means no engagement but doesn't every guy know how it works? That every girl wants to be proposed to?

Thanks guys!

[shh!]

I'm not a guy, but I am not sure what you feel you need out of the engagement process. Are you saying that you want the ring? Or is it that you want to set a date for a wedding?

The other thing I would like to ask is if you are sure he is not reconsidering getting married at all. The fact that he has postponed setting a date more than once after moving in kind of sets off warning bells for me.

[Lloyd95]

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

[ohmy]

no, it's not just about getting a ring. this would be my second marriage and i have learned a lot from a failed one. i know what's really important this time. yes, i would like to be able to know when to start making plans. we are not going all out with a big wedding or anything but until there is a commitment it's hard to set a date and make any kinds of plans.


i don't think he's reconsidering. we have had a long distance relationship for over a year. he got a job here (recently) to move in with me. i knew that we wouldn't be married within a month but he said a couple of months and i've yet to hear any plans. i think he's just waiting on me to start making the plans for it so he doesn't have to worry about the proposal part. i don't know if it's him being cheap or he just doesn't think it's important. i've never even brought up a ring or even said the word engagement.

[ohmy]

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

you sound like a friend of mine. she told me i was too low maintenance

[shh!]

If it's not about the ring, then what is it you think he is being cheap about?

[Junsui]

So, you've been in a long distance relationship for a year and are just now starting to be around each other a lot?

[ohmy]

i guess i meant it's not just about me wanting a ring for my finger. because awhile back, like i said earlier, we talked about just eloping. i guess not in detail because it hasn't really come up again but we had discussed just going together and buying wedding bands. but that was discussed once, a long time ago. maybe he's sticking with that thought??

[Junsui]

Maybe he doesn't really want to get married?

[whaywardj]

I'm confused. You say you mentioned it three times over a period of four months, but have never mentioned the words "ring" or "engagement." Whad'ja do? Drop hints?

[Lloyd95]

you sound like a friend of mine. she told me i was too low maintenance

I have never, ever met a woman who was "too low maintenance". Or low maintenance at all.

[shh!]

Hmm, well I think it has something to do with your desire for a ring, but well, okay...

If you want to see if he is going to marry you, I see two options for you. You can either wait around indefinitely for him to try you out to see if you are worthy, or you could just force his hand by telling him you don't intend to audition forever, and booting him out.

What I don't really understand is how you could really WANT to marry someone with whom you have had such a short relationship with. (I don't count long-distance relationships the same way I would a face-to-face one.)

[Bluevetteracer]

This is outlined in the book "The Rules"

Don't pressure him or even talk about it. I am so turned off when a women starts to question me about engagement/marriage.

Guys are like cats on this, it has to be our idea.

He either loves you and will surprise you when he is ready, or he won't marry you. Either way, you win.

Moving in together before marriage was a mistake. If it is not a huge deal, tell him so, and ask if he would find his own place. You might just be surprised on how quickly a ring shows up. Only do this if this is in your heart, not as a tool to get the ring. You will never feel good about yourself if you "tricked" him into marrying you.

[Junsui]

lol How does she win in both of those circumstances? In her case, yes I think moving in together beforehand was probably a mistake.

[ohmy]

audition! ha ha ha

we have known each other for 2 years. we were friends before we started dating. we started a relationship 2 weeks before he moved for a new job. 90 miles away. we seen each other every weekend, one night thru the week and then of course over holidays and what not. we spent more time together than apart. we have the best relationship. he is my best friend as i am his and we get along great. it's not him not wanting to get married.


no, i've never said the word "ring" or "engagement" hence the low maintenance comment. i could go into many details so you could understand this relationship more but no one wants to be bored. i just tried stating facts.

i appreciate all of the comments and suggestions