Romance / Arousal Advice Needed

[Sambo]

Hi everyone, I'm hoping you can help me out with some advice.

My wife and I are in our mid 30s and have been happily married for almost 9 years now. We know each other pretty well now and what we like / dislike in general. In the bedroom things are pretty good, we are both fairly skilled at pleasing each other and this part of our relationship is pretty fulfilling for both of us (at least that's what she and I think). Once we're in the bedroom and she's aroused it's all on, however the problem I have is outside the bedroom. Try as I might, short of physical stimulation, I cannot get her aroused / in the mood / in an affectionate / romantic mood!

I'm a very affectionate & romantic man by nature, but my wife isn't really that way inclined (possibly takes after her very unemotional father). She is fairly accommodating and often goes out of her way to please me, however I would really like her to WANT me BEFORE we get naked. I'm really having a hard time figuring out how to turn her on emotionally and mentally & since she doesn't really know what does it for her & I've run out of ideas.

I've tried so many things; romantic dinners / picnics, evenings at a show, outings with & without the kids, weekends away, increasing my confidence, advanced female psychological arousal techniques, being extra nice, being mean, demanding, not asking at all / waiting for her to initiate (for a month!), libido booster pills, many different sexual techniques, variations of positions, locations, methods etc etc etc...

My wife is a bit of a paradox; she says that she really enjoys sex with me (& I believe her), but I get the feeling that she could quite easily go without altogether! During our entire marriage (outside of our honeymoon) she has initiated sex less than 5 times!! When we first met, she couldn't keep her hands off me and she was a wicked wee thing, so I know she is capable of having a libido. Of course we were newly in love and were waiting for marriage before we had sex so I'm sure that helped! Nowdays we don't get a lot of time alone together. We have 2 young kids and current circumstances make it difficult for us to leave them with relatives etc for the weekend, so there are less options and opportunities for dedicated romantic time together. I'm sure a 2 week cruise in the tropics would work nicely, but at the moment we have neither the time or the money for such extravagances.

I'm pretty sure what's lacking is the emotional / mental side of the equation, but I'm out of things to try now! However, despite what she says, it is still possible that the issue is in the bedroom. I mean, if she really liked it that much she'd want it more wouldn't she!? She is a very hard woman to please because she just doesn't know what she likes! She has no fantasies, no fetishes, very few preferences when it comes to sex & so I'm left to experiment (which isn't entirely awful!) to find out what she likes. Even when we find something she likes she doesn't often have a strong preference for anything in particular (although apparently I'm quite good at oral )

It's kind of a hard ask (and don't I know it!) but I'm interested in any ideas you girls might have as to how I can best romance / arouse my girl under the constraints of our current lives and unleash the naughty sex monster that I know is lurking somewhere inside her!

Any suggestions greatly appreciated

Sam.

[lilly1185]

Dump the children off with some family (grandparents...maybe "dump" I shouldn't use....) but it sounds like you two need a romantic get away sort of. Or a short stay at a (not too) sleazy motel to knock knickers without the kids hearing.

Sometimes after women have children and enter that maternal state of mind they have a hard time separating themselves from sexual being and parent. Worse case, sexual therapy is in order.
More importantly, if she won't open up, try paying more attention to what her body responds to. Not what she says, but how she behaves when you turn her this way, or touch her that way.

Being outside the doldrums of the same old bedroom might open her up.
Shoot it by her and see what she thinks. Or just spring it on her if she's the type to appreciate surprises.

Edit; Ok so I missed a paragraph there.
Drag her happy ass to a sex therapist! If a woman can't open up in a scenario outside her home, she might need help remembering how. And you may need to learn new techniques to figure out how to break through.
Again,

separation of mom > sex goddess is very difficult.

[Sambo]

Thanks for the advice Lilly.

If a woman can't open up in a scenario outside her home, she might need help remembering how. And you may need to learn new techniques to figure out how to break through.

What do you mean here?

EDIT: The other thing is that by all accounts she enjoys what I do to her in bed, it's just getting her motivated to start with that's the issue. I get what you're saying about the Mom vs Sex Goddess thing tho. It's a bit of a toughie that one as she's a full time Mom too... :/

Also, I've tried weekends away before with pretty poor results. It's possible that 2 days just isn't enough to recover & then remember the sexy stuff.

[Gigabitch]

Sam, you may be asking for too much. It sounds like that's just not who she is. You've got a woman who is game to have sex with you and enjoys the experience and that's not enough for you? There are a couple of posters on this board who would LOVE to be in your position because their women won't have sex with them at all.

This sounds like the complaint a lot of women have about their husbands, that they're not romantic enough. I don't think they generally succeed in changing anything. Good luck to you, and I agree that a sex therapist might be fun for both of you, but don't fail to appreciate what you have.

[Sambo]

Well that's the thing, I know that she can be far more affectionate, she has been before! I do appreciate what I've got and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but I do think that there's another dimension to be our sex lives to be explored here and want us to be able to experience the full sexual experience with each other. I do know one thing that gets her going - X-Rated Twilight Fan Fiction : ) That's a hard thing to try to reproduce in real life however.

At the end of the day, I really have no idea how to turn her on emotionally & I'd like to learn how!

[vashti]

Good lord, with all the threads about men complaining their wives won't give them any, it seems you'd be happy that she is so receptive, especially after 9 years and with 2 little kids in the picture. Don't expect her to be someone she's not.

[Gigabitch]

I do know one thing that gets her going - X-Rated Twilight Fan Fiction : ) That's a hard thing to try to reproduce in real life however.

Oh, my! I had no idea such a thing existed! I wonder if my daughter knows about this! Gaahhhh!

[Sambo]

Maybe I'm coming across all wrong. I'm not 'complaining', I'm just seeking to further improve and enhance what we already have.

Can a man not strive to improve his relationship with his wife in order to provide her with even further pleasure and enjoyment in life!? Of course there are also benefits for me, but my main motivation is that I really want her to enjoy life to it's fullest!

[marshawna]

start slappin on her ass and grabbing her in public...things out of the ordinary turns a woman on whether she tells you or not..by the time you get home shes going too pounce on you..or maybe even before you get home...if you knw what i mean

[hoppy1214]

Ditto on the changing things up. You should try writing her your own erotic story. Use your own imagination as your guide. Email it to her when you are both at work or otherwise unable to immediately engage in sex. Anticipation drives anyone wild.

Likewise, send her some risque photos of yourself. Ask her to return the favor. Then tell her what you want to do to each body part and meet for a quickie You get the drift. Try and explore sex in scenarios outside of the bedroom (and even outside of the house) and see if perhaps that will encourage her to be more touchy-feely in places besides the bedroom

[Sambo]

Hmm, a couple of good ideas there! Thanks girls : ) Keep 'em coming!

[Sambo]

Ok, I have had a fairly lengthy 'deep & meaningful' conversation with my wife over some issues and I have discovered some interesting things:

- She has a poor opinion of her own body (she has been motivated and loosing weight lately and looking better than ever, but still isn't overjoyed yet. I genuinely think she is some serious hot stuff and tell her all the time, but that doesn't seem to be enough)
- Due to this poor self-image she doesn't feel confident enough to initiate sex with me. I don't quite understand it because I've never turned her down! However I understand that she feels this way nonetheless.
- We have had a mis-understanding on the subject of non-sexual hugs & kisses which we have now resolved, so that's a good positive step!

Do you girls have any ideas as to what she or I could do to improve her self-image or give me any insight into this which would help me?

Also, should I try to motivate her more to reach her weight goal? I understand this can be a very tricky thing and fraught with unexpected dangers, but we have a fairly good relationship in this area; it was her idea to loose some weight and I try to encourage & compliment her often on her progress / effort. She's lost 10kg of her 20kg goal and was rewarded with an iPhone (a half-way prize that we mutually agreed on giving her). To motivate her to reach her final weight loss goal we have agreed that her goal reached reward would be a sexy glamor photo shoot which she seems fairly interested in, but I'm not 100% sure about that; my girl is a techno freak and would probably enjoy an iPad more ) Lol, once I decided to buy her a new USB flash drive instead of flowers and when I told her about my choice she confessed that she enjoyed the flash drive much more than she would have enjoyed the flowers

Let me know what you think!

[lahnnabell]

I agree that flowers suck. They die. I kind of kill them because I forget to water them all the time. My boyfriend got me some last year when I lost my job and that was sweet, but the moment I left the room I couldn't have cared less. I kept the cards he wrote out with them though. Those words meant more to me than anything the flowers represented.

Like you said, helping to motivate her weight loss routine is a double edged sword. You could easily go overboard and make her feel like she's not trying hard enough, or you could be too lax about it. However, it really comes down to what she wants to do. If she's not motivated to get up and get out there, there is only so much you yourself can do to help. You could suggest running with her, or swimming together. I know that having my guy by my side would be an immense system of support. Maybe she could try something new like yoga too. You guys say you have kids so perhaps she could use the peace of mind nurtured through a yoga class. I go to hot yoga classes. It is a slower flow class, but they jack up the temp in the room so you sweat like you wouldn't believe. Feels amazing and cleansing.

The other thing you need to understand through and through is that you are not responsible for her opinion of herself. Her insecurities are hers to own. At the end of the day, she has to live with herself and if she's truly not happy with who she sees in the mirror, there is little you can actually do to change that. It sounds like you've been wonderfully supportive of her though, so props to you. Is she happy with other areas of her life? Her life as a mom, her goals, etc.?

[vashti]

Ya'll are weird. I love flowers.

[Sambo]

The other thing you need to understand through and through is that you are not responsible for her opinion of herself. Her insecurities are hers to own. At the end of the day, she has to live with herself and if she's truly not happy with who she sees in the mirror, there is little you can actually do to change that. It sounds like you've been wonderfully supportive of her though, so props to you. Is she happy with other areas of her life? Her life as a mom, her goals, etc.?

I know I'm not really responsible for her self-image, but I want to do my best to help her improve it. In terms of other areas there is a general lack of self-confidence in many cases. She doesn't have any long term goals really (which is odd for me because I'm a big goal setter). Being a full time Mom is obviously a very demanding role and I understand that this makes her tired, frustrated & depressed at times.

I guess I just want to figure out how best to help her through the bad times and help her build her confidence in any way I can. She really is a very capable woman but sadly she doesn't seem to recognize it despite what I say.

Can anyone thing of anything I can do besides telling her she's beautiful / talented etc?