Feeling so down. Am I doing the right thing?

[averyshygirl]

I've been married to my husband for 8 years, together for 11. We met when we were young, and have always had an up and down sort of relationship. The past few years things have deteriorated a lot. We couldn't figure out how to agree and stop fighting about everything, big and small, so we just started avoiding everything. Two months ago I found out he had been talking to a girl he met online for three months. They talked for sometimes hours a day while he was at work, or in the evenings when he would be out back while I was inside. Whenever I asked about who he was talking to he said it was work related.

I finally got suspicous and started checking up on him, and eventually called the number to have a female answer. When I confronted him he did admitt to talking, and meeting her once, but said nothing else happened. He said he wouldn't talk to her again and offered to change his cell number so she couldn't call him. I wanted to believe him but a few weeks later we got into a fight. I went to my moms and he called her again from his new cell number.

We've been to counseling. I've read relationship books. He said he is done dealing with all this, and thinks I just need to move forward. If we didn't have a kid and hadn't been together so long I think I could easily walk away, but i feel like maybe I should try to get past this. It's just when he called her again from his new number the little bit of trust I had in him was gone.

We are currently seperated. I feel awful and just want to know what I should do. If it's true that he never slept with her, am I overreacting?

[averyshygirl]

please if anyone has any advice i would really appreciate it.

[Only-virgins]

It is difficult to give you advice. It seems like he already set his mind on this new woman. Sorry , you guys have to sit down and talk about what you want. Are you guys splitting up or what and how are you going to treat the entire kid thing.

[Gigabitch]

I don't think you're overreacting. If he didn't already sleep with her, he's going to. Face the facts, honey. Your husband is shopping. I think he's done, and your interest in "getting past it" is kind of pathetic. If you had any hope for your marriage, I think there would be some righteous anger here, not just this limp attempt.

Why do you have no confidence about what you want? Are there things you aren't telling, like things you may have done to undermine the foundation of your relationship?

[IndiReloaded]

Ah shit. Your husband is in an emotional affair, if he hasn't slept w/her yet he's well on his way.

He needs to understand the seriousness of this & get out of denial. I would strongly suggest Will Harleys site (marriagebuilders.com) and get to reading about EAs. Make sure your counsellor is onboard about this stuff. There are a lot of crap counsellors out there. Just b/c you went to one doesn't mean you have 'tried'. They could just suck.

Good luck.

[url]http://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en-us&q=emotional+affair&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8[/url]

[averyshygirl]

Thanks for the replies. I think the best thing for me to do is move on. He doesn't have any remorse for what happened. Instead he thinks I should see a counselor on my own to get over my issues? lol

[CompletePimp]

I've been married to my husband for 8 years, together for 11. We met when we were young, and have always had an up and down sort of relationship. The past few years things have deteriorated a lot. We couldn't figure out how to agree and stop fighting about everything, big and small, so we just started avoiding everything. Two months ago I found out he had been talking to a girl he met online for three months. They talked for sometimes hours a day while he was at work, or in the evenings when he would be out back while I was inside. Whenever I asked about who he was talking to he said it was work related.

I finally got suspicous and started checking up on him, and eventually called the number to have a female answer. When I confronted him he did admitt to talking, and meeting her once, but said nothing else happened. He said he wouldn't talk to her again and offered to change his cell number so she couldn't call him. I wanted to believe him but a few weeks later we got into a fight. I went to my moms and he called her again from his new cell number.

We've been to counseling. I've read relationship books. He said he is done dealing with all this, and thinks I just need to move forward. If we didn't have a kid and hadn't been together so long I think I could easily walk away, but i feel like maybe I should try to get past this. It's just when he called her again from his new number the little bit of trust I had in him was gone.

We are currently seperated. I feel awful and just want to know what I should do. If it's true that he never slept with her, am I overreacting?

Cheating isn't just always physical. Remember that.

Just because he hasn't done anything with her doesn't mean he doesn't want to/or didn't want to. To me, if someone's eyes are wandering then it's already cheating. If I'm not the one and only that they have their eyes on it's emotional cheating already. It's clear that he isn't getting what he wants in this marriage, because that's typically the only reason men and women stray and start 'talking' with other members of the opposite sex. I know it hurts. But it seems like if he's doing it now, it's not just going to stop unless he has some kind of epiphany. 11 years is a long time. And this form of emotional cheating (imo) is typically due to something lacking in the marriage.

[Asparagoose]

It sounds like you both had the wrong attitude towards relationships. If either one of you was selfish and wanted things "my" way, and being "right" was more important than being happy, then one of you or both of you was slowly killing the relationship.

He probably couldn't take it anymore and this one woman found him in a vulnerable state. Wanting emotional comfort and understanding, possibly sex or even intimacy with someone he didn't feel hate or resentment towards. He wasn't happy in the relationship and found someone who made him feel happy. This is why the other person's happiness always comes ahead of your own. Winning an argument or fight isn't as important as keeping the relationship alive and healthy.

[leitzin]

Cheating isn't just always physical. Remember that.

Pimp brings up a good point.

Lets take it one step closer to the real issue. What someone does in their life is THEIR LIFE... everyone has the right to do WHAT EVER THE HECK THEY WANT... IF IT's physically possible... well.. they "technically can" do it.

So.. the real issue is NOT whether your husband cheats... physically, emotionally, mentally, in his dreams... will do so in the future.. has a friend who cheated...

For you... everything comes right back down to ... YOU.

are YOU being treated with the consideration and cherishing you want in your life?

The moment you are not cherished... the wedding vows are already broken! (YEAH YEAH... it happens allllll the time.)

So... you have two choices... makes life easy.

A. Decide that what your marriage and husband brings to you is enough ... satisfactory... for you to stay in an inconsiderate cherishment devoid relationship. THEN, support his desire to go out philandering. (People tend to stop doing hurtful things when you act like it doesnt hurt)

OR

B. Decide to exercise your option to act on the betrayal of his vow and start fresh... wiser, smarter, and sexier.

KEY: DO NOT complicate a simple issue by making your child a variable. It may SEEM like basing your life decision on your status as a mother is loving to your child. BUT...

REMEMBER: A friend once told me... the Greatest way to love your child is to love his mother. The greatest gift you can give your child is the memory that YOU uncompromisingly sought your joy. (Do this... and your child will also grow to be a person who never compromises his/her own joy.)