Which one was it? love or lust?

[emdc_l]

22 year old man: Sebastian
23 year old woman: Kathy
20 year old woman: Layla

Sebastian met and began a relationship with Kathy in a small town college in 2006. She introduced him to religion and currently, he is a fundamentalist Christian like her. He even has a website that he makes extremist christian videos on. But back to the history of this story... They have been engaged since 2007. In 2007 Kathy transferred to another college. While Sebastian was still attending school and Kathy was attending another small town school, they both often went home back to the main city they were both from which is Minneapolis, to see each other.

In Spring 2008, Sebastian ment Layla. He and Layla had been friends since they met and in Fall 2008 when school started again, Layla invited Sebastian to her apartment to spend a few nights while he got his housing arrangment situated. He hesitated but eventually called her and accepted the offer. That same night he spent the night with Layla. Layla REALLY did not want anything to happen between she and Sebastian because she knew that even though she had a huge crush on him, he would never want anything to do with her. He seemed to really care about Kathy and Layla knew that she was NOT going to interfere in an established relationship even if she DID have a chance with him for a physical or deep relationship; which she knew she didn't.

Then that night when he was there, she set up a spot for Sebastian to sleep on the floor. Layla didn't have much to her apartment. A few dressers and one bed, that's all. He laughed and said he would sleep on the floor but playfully complained until Layla gave in and let him sleep in her bed. When any friends or even potential partners came to visit Layla at her apartment, she NEVER let them go near her bedroom much less sleep in her bed and ESPECIALLY with her in it. But for some reason, she felt comfortable and safe with him.

That night they watched a movie and Layla fell asleep. At about 2 am Layla awoke to Sebastian spooning her and he kept being flirty and playfully taunting her about him touching her and he finally started feeling her bottom and her hips. She told him to stop but didn't really want him to. He continued to play and eventually he stopped and they both fell asleep.

Over the next few nights he slept with Layla and kept getting more "feelies." Layla kept getting away and he kept getting closer and getting more and more "feelies." He began telling her that she was playing hard to get and eventually, he became pleasantly agressive and they made out. They did a LOT of touching and clothes on action went on; but let's just say that if clothes were taken off, protection would have been necessary. That is just how hot and heavy they got that night.

The next day he started saying how wrong this was and how much he didn't feel right about doing what they did. Layla said she understood and definitely agreed, she was fine with it but she still did not want him to sleep at his crowded friends house. She told him that she would sleep in the living room on the floor, and he could have her bed: NO TEMPTATION. She said no matter what happened she would not ever let this happen again. But soon after, he spent the night again and Layla and Sebastian went further and had sex with eachother. Then the next few days, he really started feeling guilty and saying how wrong it was. Layla agreed and did not want to be looked down on like a cheap slut. So she said if they can't resist, then yeah...they need to stay away from eachother. He said he still wanted to be friends but it always came back down to Lyla picking up Sebastian, and they would go to her apartment and do it all over again.

After a few more times, they stopped and he told her he could not let this happen anymore and God was gonna punish them. He stopped calling her and she called him a few times because she just wanted to hear his voice and just say she was sorry and tell him that she loved him. But he ignored her calls and she stopped calling. They talked a few times after but it was pretty much over after that. Then at the very end of the semester he tried to have sex with her again and she was able to resist the temptation, which was surprising.

The last day of class, he walked out of one of the classes they shared without so much as looking at Layla. Layla held her tears in for as long as possible. When she got home that night she cried and cried. The next Saturday he was graduating and Layla knew that he and his fiance Kathy would come from Minneapolis. They were both at school for his ceremony and just the thought of them being together made her sick to her stomach and she cried herself to sleep that night again. He would graduate that night and go to Minneapolis to live near Kathy which is where she lived with her parents because now, she has already graduated too.

Layla knew that she would never see him again and NEEDED to move on. Spring semester 2009 began and it was a complete waste of a semester because Layla was still trying to get over Sebastian. The end of the semester came and Layla realized how much of a stupid a*s she had been acting like and understood even more by then that she brought it upon herself. She told herself that she should have known someone like him would never want her and that she should have never messed with a man who was engaged. She was finally starting to feel better and accepted that she had wasted Spring 2009 and promisted NOT to do bad in her classes after that semester.

But before the semester ended, 4 months after Sebastian and Layla had last spoken to eachother, Sebastian went online to the college directory and found Layla's new number (she changed it after he left because of some crazy stalker guy who kept leaving gross messages and Layla had not even known who the hell it was but felt unsafe, and no it was not Sebastian). Sebastian actually took the time to think of a way to contact Layla and went online to find the phone number. He called Layla and left a message. Layla did not realize this until she listened to her voicemail. He told her he was starting up a new business and wanted to come to town and meet with some business contacts and visit some friends for a graduation party they were having. He asked her if she could call him back when she got the message because he had just wanted to know how she was doing but understood that if she didn't call back then that was okay too. When she heard his voice she almost peed her pants and threw up. It sounds awful but she loved it, she loved the sound of his voice even though it made her heart sink into her stomach.

She decided to delete the message and knew that she was not going to call him back. She dismissed the call and felt so proud that she made the right choice. Then later on that day she was in the library and her cell phone rang. She quickly answered it because the ringer was loud and because she had been feeling so good lately, so much better, and more confident, she answered it with a smile on her face. She said hello and the caller said hi. The caller was Sebastian. "Hey, remember me?" She literally paused for 10 seconds and felt her heart sink yet once more into her stomach and after the time passed, she finally answered. "Yes, I do."

They talked and he commented about how happy she sounded and how good that was. She felt strong and confident enough to say yes when he asked if he could stop by and say hello when he came to visit his friends. She wanted to show him how well she had been doing. She had been making some more money, she had not done as bad with her classes as she thought she had, and then she lost a few pounds to top it all off, something that was/is always an issue for her. He even made a few jokes about it during the time they were spending before he graduated but he said them playfull...either way it still hurt Layla. He always tried to tell her that it was not that bad. But now, she had wanted to show him how well she was doing and looked.

A knock at the door, she saw his face when she opened her door after he knocked. He looked so handsome and cute. She was so happy to see his face and instantly felt all those old feelings that she had taken months to supress. He came and they talked. They ended up having sex because she could not resist. He started saying that he could not believe how she was single and how he wanted to be that man to treat her right and be there for her until the time came that she met someone special. She told him that she was not down with that, she was not going to do this again. She made this mistake once more but no more...that was it.

But they talked for awhile after that visit. They talked on the phone many nights every week. He told her so much that he had wanted to say before. How much he had missed her, how much he cared about her. He said he loved her. He loved to have sex with her, he loved her cooking and her personality because she was sexy, sweet, smart, and had a little bit of street in her. He was from the inner city of another state and so was Layla. They had a lot in common. As for the opposite parts of their personality, they were attracted still to that too. He could talk to her in ways he could not talk to Kathy. He wanted Layla so bad and tried hard to let go but kept thinking about her and needed to see her. He made up the story about friends and business contacts. He only wanted to see her. He said that he and Kathy went to the same church, knew the same people, had the same friends, everyone knew about their relationship, he had made a commitment to her and had been with her for years and if he could change everything he would go back and change it. He never fully explained the part about going back and changing everything because Layla never let him go that deep. She said there was no need to explain because the only thing that matters is the future and what "is." She knew they would never be so even thinking about what it would be like was not an option.

They planned another visit and before coming that time, they made an agreement that he would come and it would be the last time they saw eachother. She said she did not want to be used and dumped again which is they basically knew would have to happen. She said that she could not post pone it and wanted to just let everything go asap. When he went back to town, they had sex again. He told her he loved her and that he was sorry it had to be this way. The next morning, he leaned over to hug me and kiss me leaving his tears on my cheek. He then left.

We have never spoken again. I know I will never see him again and will never try to see him or be apart of his life. It has been six months since he went away. I accept the way it is. But I just wish that I knew...

Would a man skip out on and forget a women he met and really loved for someone he made a commitment to and for someone who made him semi-happy? He has business contacts that weigh on his relationship and a reputation on the line. Could it be have been that he really did not want to give that up and that he really really loved me, that he just didn't want to hurt her after he, I am pretty sure, took her virginity and gave her the ring? I just want to know, could that have really been why he dumped me? Either way I am done and do not plan on anyone being in my life. If I could not have him I don't want anyone. He was the only man I will ever feel that way for and I don't settle so I will be alone the rest of my life. No husband and no precious children. I am okay with that and find happiness in other things, not the same type of happiness but just things to pass the time until I die.

I know what I think...how about you? Have you ever been in a similar situation and recieved the REAL answers?

Did he love me but have too much on the line?
OR
Was he just using me? (We did have a lot of fun AND when we had sex it was really crazy but in a good way, I would do things that she would not do)

[SS Gal]

I hate to say it, but sounds like you were used. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do about men and relationships, but time heals. Besides, would you really want to be with a cheater? Bottom line, that's what he is. I feel sorry for Kathy. She probably has no idea about the scumbag that she's marrying or married.

[emdc_l]

I feel bad for kathy too and if I feel miserable for the rest of my life, then I deserve it for doing that to her. I don't care if she is a good person or not. It was not my place to do that to her because she does love him. He told me that I was the only girl he had ever ever cheated on his girlfriend with and even cried in front of me one time because he felt so guilty about it. I think he was more hurt that he was cheating on her and way less hurt about using me. You are right, I was used like a complete dumb as*.

[SS Gal]

Just look at it as a hard lesson learned. I had a friend whose bf cried in front of her once about something and it was all part of a lie he had constructed, so don't let his crying fool you into thinking that was genuine. Some guys just pull out all the stops to keep getting what they want. That seems to be what your guy did. But now you know and you are a smarter lady for it. Just take what you learned and move on. Even though it may take some time, you'll forget about him. Don't let him ruin any more of your life. It's too short and there are better things and guys you can spend your energy on. Good luck.

[IndiReloaded]

Don't beat yourself up over this. You are all so very young. Understand you are just coming out of your 'crazy hormone' stage of life. Yes, what happened wasn't nice, but it happened. You got carried away by hormones, so did he.

SS gal is right -- now you know better, lesson learned & move on. Guilt isn't about 'I'm so awful...I'm going to punish myself for the rest of my life', its 'I made a mistake & will never do it again'.

[Mish]

I'm sure he'll carry on cheating on his gf many more times for many years to come and justify it with a little bit of guilt now and then. Just don't let the girl he cheats with be you again.

[bluesummer]

Wow, what a shitty Christian extremist this prick Sebastian is....lol. I feel genuinely sorry for his fiance, and I'm at a loss for understanding why you were attracted to such a scumbag in the first place.

He used you, and I hope you realize it and don't get played the fool again. Also, don't sleep with other women's men. That type of behaviour is....well, trashy.

Sorry, I have a real issue with women that sleep with men in committed relationships. As far as I'm concerned they're just as bad as the man who cheated.