Defining a relationship

[Riku]

I don't know how to start this. *I met this guy in June and we have been seeing each other exclusively for almost two months now. I know he's crazy about me, he says a lot of things that tell me he is falling for me but he refuses to call me his girlfriend or to even talk about labeling our "relationship". He refuses to even say the word relationship. This is a guy who also took six dates to even kiss me. He has serious issues with relationships but he practically tells me he is in love with me and even talks about when we will move in together. We spend almost every day and night together. We text each other first thing in the morning every morning, last thing at night every night we aren't together. I don't see how is isn't my boyfriend. And I'm kinda sick of talking about him to people as "the guy I'm seeing". I think it's just getting ridiculous.

Add all of this to the fact that he is in the military and just found out that he most likely will be deployed for the first time in October. I'm torn between wanting him to make more of a commitment to me before he leaves or just leaving it alone to not cause him any more stress. I know he is already stressed about leaving.

I don't want to make it seem like I'm giving him an ultimatum but I'm getting bothered by this. His roommate met someone two weeks ago and they are already committed and calling each other bf/gf. And I'm sitting there like..wtf is wrong with this picture. Today he brought up his roommate and I told him I didn't want to talk about it because it was a sore subject, he pressed the issue and I told him I thought he was being ridiculous by not having a relationship talk with me and his response, "It's really sunny outside, I can actually see blue sky…."

I don't know what to do or if the whole thing is juvenile and it's just a stupid title. Sometimes I think that how we are together and how things are going should be more than enough but this is like a thorn in my side and I am having trouble getting passed it. Do I let this go, do I force the issue? I don't know what to do.

He has expressed concern before about being deployed and getting a "dear john" letter or being cheated on while he's gone and I think he's afraid of the stress of not knowing what is going on at home when he's gone.

[Wakeup]

Have you asked him if he is going to continue to be exclusive during his deployment? Do you expect him to be? Maybe he's just enjoying what the two of you have until he's deployed?

If I were you, I would ask him for what I wanted and if he didn't want that too, then I would wish him safe journey and let him go to where he's going as a single man.

[Riku]

When he found out about the deployment he called me right away and asked me what I thought, I asked him if he wanted to have that conversation over the phone and he was insistent on discussing it immediately. He said he didn't expect me to wait for him to come back and that he would understand if I didn't want to wait. I told him that I wasn't going to wait if there was nothing to wait for and he told me that if I continued seeing him through it he was not wasting my time. He asked if I could be faithful and we discussed the issues briefly about temptation while he was gone, for me here and him there. We assured each other that we could do it and wanted to and then he said that he wanted to put the entire discussion on the back burner because he didn't want to think about leaving anymore.

[Wakeup]

Geesh... he's difficult.

I see three choices here:

1. You tell him what you want.. which if I'm understanding correctly is the title of his exclusive girlfriend and that you want to wait and both you and he be celebate while he's away.

2. You agree to just be what you are .. undefined and enjoying one another's company until he deploys and then the two of you maintain an online friendship so you know how he's doing and when he gets back, you re-evaluate the situation.

3. You remain undefined but together and both agree that exclusivity will be difficult and make no promise about that to one another. (seems neither of you really want that though)

He deploys soon, I think if you don't make a decision as to what you want then before he goes he will make it for you.

[Riku]

I know, he is difficult! He knows exactly what I want, he just refuses to discuss it. Every time I mention it he changes the subject. But then any other time he's talking about moving in together, how he feels so empty when I'm not laying next to him at night, that no one has given him the feelings he's having, etc. Difficult and confusing I think is an understatement with him. So I'm left wondering if I give an ultimatum of sorts that we discuss it and make a further commitment or be done...or do I just leave it alone and let things go as they are and see what happens.

[Wakeup]

I'd not let him leave without defining what he expects that you'll both do as far as exclusivity goes. If you both aren't on the same page there then only drama will ensue. He's certainly enjoying his time with you (and you he) but for some reason he's reluctant to define what it is you're doing??? That to me is a red flag and there is a decision you have to make to accept and enjoy or request and leave if he can't deliver. Tough choices.

As I said though, I'm thinking he will make a decision about the two of you before he goes.. in the meantime I'm thinking he's afraid to tell you the decision right now because he is enjoying your time together and doesn't want to jeapardize things. I say just relax and enjoy and figure it all out before he is deployed..

Good luck on it turning out well for you and best wishes for his safe return.

[Boisdevie]

1. He knows what you want.
2. He refuses to discuss it.
3. Relationship will soon be over won't it?

[Riku]

1. He knows what you want.
2. He refuses to discuss it.
3. Relationship will soon be over won't it?

I really don't think that is the case. Why would he talk about the future and how he feels about me if he had no further intentions. I think he is just afraid of commitment and doesn't want to talk about it.